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Anyone seen my support hose? Mmmmhmmm?

I think I scared Kim V. today.

We were discussing people we don’t like and who now don’t like me.

So Kim then mentions that I shouldn’t be too upset because I’ve been fighting with these two women for the last two years.

Um. Excuse me?

And that’s when I lost control. That’s when I said, “Er… no. I haven’t been fighting with them. I’ve been polite to them. I’ve been talking to them. I’ve been the picture of charm and grace. I have not been fighting with them. Because if they think I’ve been fighting with them, let them come see me and I will show them what fighting is all about, because obviously they don’t know what fighting is. They have not seen fighting apparently because if they start shit with me, I will show them fucking fighting.”


She gave me a stunned “deer in headlights” look and that’s when I realized that I had my hand on my hip, and the hip was cocked out of the side, and my neck had loosened and was now doing a little bobbing thing and the finger… the pointy finger… well, let me tell you… it was up making it’s presence known.

That’s right. When I get my dander up, I go all “gangsta chick”.

It’s scary. I don’t blame Kim from being scared. You never know what’s going to happen. And if I start doing the “mmmmhmmm” Sling-blade thing, just watch it. You don’t want to stick around. It will be bad.

And really, they don’t know what fighting is about. I’ve been very nice to them. I don’t LIKE the way they’ve treated certain people and thus, no longer like them personally, but I HAVEN’T been fighting.

Not yet.

Got to see the new issue of Grogan’s Fantasy Football Analyst” today. Hysterical! Very funny! Oh, and the football stats are good too. But the article is da bomb. You must pick up a copy. It has a cover picture of Donovan McNabb (the interview of which knocked my article off of “cover feature” status) and the “Lola” article on the back page is quite cute.

And I got paid. WOOOHOO!!

Tonight as I was driving home, I achieved a strange milestone.

I saw a man outside mowing the lawn. Wearing shorts, black socks and sandals.

And for the first time in my life, I did not think to myself “Oh my god, why must the fashion victims continue to foister upon themselves these stereotypes” or something along those lines.

Instead, I inherently understood that he must have just gotten home from work. He must have taken off his business suit and shoes and threw on shorts and sandals. But why dirty another pair of socks? So he kept the black ones on.

And that’s how most people get sucked into cults. They first try to get you when you’re beaten down and feeling bruised (as I was immediately after work today) and then they try to make you see their side of things. So that you say, “Ok, that makes sense.”

It’s started already.

If you see me gardening with curlers in my hair, wearing a flowered muumuu and dark brown nylon knee-hi’s, you have my permission to club me over the head with a J.Jill catalog.

I was telling my fabulously beautiful friend and hairdresser Staci about my rosacea and she asks “What’s that?” and all I could blurt out was “I’ve got the fucking red face disease!”.

Which pretty much sums it up right there, doesn’t it?

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