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The Marshmallow Incident

An update on Auntie Brumhilda:

Apparently there has been a debacle.

It’s being heralded as The Marshmallow Incident.

Sources say that Auntie Brumhilda and her family went back to Grandma’s house after the funeral. There, in full espionage mode, my other Aunt attempted to slip Brumhilda’s daughters some marshmallows. The girls went outside to eat their marshmallows where their mother would not see them.

But she did see them.

Apparently, she chased them out of the house and forcefully snatched the offensive Stay-Pufts from their scrawny little hands.

Then she chewed out her sister for slipping her malnourished children some marshmallows.

Mafia Grandma was quoted as saying “I don’t know what’s gotten into Brumhilda. I think she has a food demon.”

A food demon indeed. A demon with a thirst for marshmallows.

No, ok, not really, but it’s pretty bad when a grown woman goes screaming out the door after her two children, to snatch purloined marshmallows out of their hands.

I believe that a marshmallow has roughly 13 calories in it. And no fat.

Doesn’t matter though. My mother has also witnessed Brumhilda lie to her children at meal times when they ask for more food, stating that they didn’t have any leftovers. The girls later went into the kitchen and lifted the cover off a pot of carrots and said “Mom!” and Brumhilda said, “Oops, you caught me!”.

Someday when the girls aren’t there, I want to go over to her house with a big fucking ice cream sundae and then proceed to eat it. With my fingers. And let it dribble down onto my chest, sucking the hot fudge off my knuckles.

It will surely drive her insane.

And I will then shout “GET THEE BEHIND ME FOOD DEMON!!!”


Some days, I wish I were an Osmond. They don’t have these problems. They just have big shiny white smiles and amazing harmonies. Of course, I’d be known as The Sassy Osmond, but I could live with that. If I had any problems, I could just go to Merrill or maybe Jimmy and they’d talk me through it. Yep. It’s an Osmond’s life for me.

But then someone would have to explain what that whole Mormon thing is all about.

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