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El gemelo malvado de Donny Osmond me dio el ojo rosado.

Man, I think I am the poster child for Pink Eye.

I just cured it in my left eye and now I’ve got it in my right eye. My eye is just weeping all of the time. I think a lot of people at work don’t know what to make of it. They must think that it’s overwhelming grief or something. No, just fucking Conjunctivitis, thank you very much.

I have these drops which seem to be some kind of acid that burns the little germs up. You’re supposed to use it four times a day, but I never remember to do it in the proper intervals, so I end up doing it lying in bed in the morning, lying in bed at night and then occasionally, I’ll wake up in the middle of night and do it again.

Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night and dropping some burning shit into your eye. Puts you in a really restful state, let me tell ya.

And I’m constantly touching my eye because it puts this puss crap in the corner of my eye, so I don’t want to be walking around with eye boogers all the time. That’s uncalled for. Just because I’ve got eye crap doesn’t mean that I must show my eye crap to everyone and make them all grossed out.

That’s probably why I keep getting the eye crap. It’s a vicious cycle because I’m a thoughtful person and don’t want you to have to look at my eye boogers.


My Diet Coke cup from McDonald’s is all in Spanish.

It’s not like I live in the Hispanic seat of North America. It’s Green Bay, Wisconsin, people! Not Miami. Not Houston. Not Los Angeles. Goddamn Green Bay Wisconsin. Where people think that they’re being multi-ethnic if they visit Taco Bell and order Fah-git-taz.

Midwesterners are the reason that they had to change the name of the Chillito to the Chili Cheese Burrito. We couldn’t handle that.

Anyway, my Diet Coke cup is all in Spanish and it’s giving me the wiggins. I’m fine with being multi-lingual and truthfully, I’m probably one of the more open-minded residents of the area, but I doubt that they would do a Diet Coke cup in Ugandan or French.

When I asked the drive thru lady why my cup was in Spanish, she said ‘It’s a new promotion’. Read the cup.’ ‘I can’t read Spanish.’ I said. She answered by laughing and nodding.

Which is Drive Thru language for ‘Whatever, lady, just get your ass out of my drive thru lane ’cause I’ve got McMuffins to dole out and I’m getting McUnderpaid.’

It’s not entirely true, anyway. I actually can speak passable Spanish. I know that ‘Sabado Gigante’ on the Spanish Channel means ‘Big Saturday’, but I can’t stand actually watching the show. The local cannery employs many migrant workers. I learned a little Spanish back when I worked for the local homeless shelter but only certain phrases, like ‘Sir, please stop peeing out the window’ and ‘Please move your car.’

Truthfully, I think it is just too early in the morning for my brain to process an alternate language. I mean, other than grunts and nods, I’m pretty verbally challenged before 8:00 A.M.

Or maybe it’s the pink eye. I’m owly today.

I hope Will doesn’t get kicked off of Big Brother. He’s so wicked and funny. He’s like Jeff from Survivor II, but funnier and he looks a little like Donny Osmond.

Donny Osmond’s Evil Twin’.. God, he’s perfect!


Edited to add: here’s the cup translation from Babelfish.

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