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Everything I ever needed to know I learned watching MTV

I was watching a bit of Road Rules last night and it occurred to me: MTV never casts a cute fat chick in anything.

Nope. Not anything.

Unless you count Sharon from the London Cast of Real World, and that was seven years ago.

And then I thought “Weetabix, you are thirty years old and you are just now realizing that MTV objectifies women and portrays an unrealistic version of the world.”

Yeah, ok, I’m dense sometimes. According to MTV, there are several truths in the world:

* 75% of all people have some extraneous piercing (other than ear or nose)

* Names like Amaya, Yes, Puck, Genesis, and Tec are normal. Names like Michelle and John are not.

* Women are at least twenty pounds underweight and regularly wear items which expose their belly button.

*Christina Aguilera is a good singer.

* Twentysomethings can expect to live in a Phat Pad while having no discernible source of income, unless it’s a job at a recording studio or radio station.

*Don’t slap someone… you’ll be kicked off the show. Unless they called you a homosexual first.

*Putting your mouth on an uncooked pig foot is against a certain religion… while eating sausage is not.

*It doesn’t matter if you have a good singing voice. You just gotta look good wearing the clothes, honey.

*Pauly Shore is classic humor.

*Sometimes you just go along with something for the experience!

*MTV is about more than music videos…. especially because they never show them any more.

Time to play “Six Degrees of Separation from Green Bay, WI”

Pauly Shore was almost a hometown boy. That’s right. His mother, Mitzi Shore (although Shore is her married name, I don’t recall her maiden name), proprietor of the Comedy Store, hails from Green Bay, WI. Thus, had she not moved to L.A, I might have been friends with The Wease in high school.

Not that he would have stood out from any of the other people I went to school with. In fact, most likely he would have become some UberJock or gone some other redneck route to try to fit in.

Joel Klug of Survivor fame was born in Green Bay, WI. I’ve met him. He’s pretty hunky, but a little too slick for my taste.

Tony Shalhoub, who has appeared in many movies and is to random ethnic men what Colm Meany is to Irish guys, was born and grew up in Green Bay, WI. In fact, he’s vaguely related to my friend Mary Kaye (she’s his nephew’s sister-in-law).

David Spade and Darius Rucker (of Hootie and the Blowfish) are regular guests of Brett Favre here in Green Bay.

WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! What a fun game.

Um, yeah.

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