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It’s crunchy because you’re eating the prize, stupid

I had cereal for dinner tonight.

That’s what I love about being an adult. I can just say “I don’t feel like cooking or doing anything other than sitting here like a big lump, so I’ll just have cereal for dinner.” When we were growing up, my mom was a single mom for most of the time and worked nights as a waitress in various expensive joints, so our dinner was either cereal, frozen pizza, or leftovers from the previous night’s shift. I was 17 before I realized that Chinese food was not meant to be eaten cold as a breakfast food, from white cardboard containers.

Then in college, cereal was too expensive. I actually couldn’t afford cereal. I ate a lot of instant mashed potatoes and other inexpensive starches.

But now I can afford cereal, so I buy it buy the case. I love Kellogg’s Smart Start. I think Smart Start is just an elaborate ruse whereby the folks in Battle Creek, MI took an unattractive kid’s sugar-sweetened cereal and just slapped that whole healthy label over it.

You can tell it’s not truly healthy. They package those things in green labels.

I just wish they’d put a prize in it. Like some temporary tattoos. I think they banned those when that whole blue star/LSD urban legend got started with Cracker Jacks. Prizes these days suck. You’ve got to send in for everything. Or they give you 6000 free hours of AOL. I could shingle my house with free AOL CDs. I actually use them for coasters.

Anyway, tonight I tried a new cereal. It’s Crunchy Kashi. It’s “naturally sweetened” and can only be found in the health food aisle, next to the wheatberries, Not!Dogs and incidentally, the Burt’s Bees products.

I tried a few chunks dry out of the box and decided it was awesome, so pulled a REALLY big bowl and dumped it in. Hey, it’s my DINNER, ok? Plus, I guess it has negative 400 calories in it. But that’s not why I bought it. It looked kind of like Sugar Smacks, which have been renamed Smacks to remove the unhealthy stigma associated with “Sugar”…. denial is the cereal companies biggest product. How else can they get away with selling a bunch of grains for more per pound than steak?

Yum… it was some good stuff. My jaws started to hurt. It never lost it’s crunch. It seems to be made of that stuff that you find on the forest floor… you know, the stuff that looks organic but is not actually twigs or whathaveyou. Seeds and pods but not twigs.

By the time that I finished my bowl, my temples ached from the aggressive chewing. I rubbed them and realized that they are now protruding out of my head.

That’s right. I gave my temples a workout and now they’re all hard.

I turned around and made Esteban feel my temples. He looked at me like I’m a freak. He wouldn’t let me feel his temples to compare muscle tone.

I keep having this urge to flex them. I keep wanting to do bad impressions of Hans and Frans “We’re going to pump…. chew up!!!!”

Man. I’m so ripped I could crack a walnut with my jaws.

I’m going to bite anyone who calls me a bitch.

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