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That’s not a raisin, that’s an earwig!

In the wee hours of the morning, after falling back asleep following a YEOWARLLLLLLLLLL episode from our dear cat Chelsea, I had one of those strange and disturbing dreams. First of all, I believe that there was a really cheesy horror movie from the 80’s that shared the same plot of my dream. I was a high school cheerleader. I might well have even been a Rancho Carne cheerleader like my heroes Missy and Torrance from ‘Bring it On’, but that is no matter. The thing is that it was Cheerleading Camp and there was a killer on the loose, striking each of us down in our pom-pom wielding glory. I was personally recognizing each potential scene from various movies, realizing before it happened that the killer was about to strike. Wait a minute, where did the rest of them go, I’m all alone? Must turn around quick, because the killer is about to strike! The nights and nights of watching horror movies as a teen were not spent in vain. I think I’d do pretty well against a homicidal maniac, as long as s/he was mentally unbalanced and followed the horror movie rules of attack, as detailed in ‘Scream’.

But that wasn’t the truly disturbing thing. The thing that I’m all freaked out about was a strange anomaly in the dream. I was running through a dark park in my cheerleading warmup suit, the killer hiding nearby, about to strike with a circular saw blade that she threw like a discus, when suddenly, out of nowhere, AN EARWIG CRAWLED INTO MY MOUTH AND I CHOMPED DOWN ON IT. I remember spitting it out in pieces, looking at the gross pincher things and the yucky feet. I clearly tasted the sick slime in my mouth. I believe in the dream, I stopped running and stood there, spitting out the bug parts. The crazed killer had lost all importance at that point. She stood there, deflated, with her insanely sharp spinning circular saw blade in her hand. She opened her mouth and a big yodeling YEOWARLLLLLLLL came out. I said ‘What?’ She squinched up her face and said again ‘MEORRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLL’. Then the smell of rotting fish wafted over my face.

Chelsea was standing on my chest, meowing into my face. My mouth tasted kind of funny.

Then I was wide-awake, because I wasn’t sure. Did an earwig actually crawl into my mouth or did I just dream it? Was the funny taste in my mouth from sleeping with my mouth open or is it the viscous residue of a creature of the six-legged variety? I jumped up and frantically began searching the sheets for earwig parts. Didn’t find any.

I always think of that skit on Saturday Night Live so many years ago. I believe the guest star that week was John Larroquette. He played a guy who had died and was now talking to his guardian angel, being played by Dennis Miller. He was asking all of these questions like ‘What occupation was I best suited for?’ (Answer: President of the United States) and ‘Which celebrity who we think is dead, is really alive.’ (Answer: Hitler and Jim Morrison). Then he asked, ‘What was the grossest thing I ever accidentally ate?’ and Dennis Miller wouldn’t tell him because it was too, so he changed it to ‘What was the 47th grosses thing I ate?’ and Dennis Miller replied, ‘Once you ate an earwig that fell into a bowl of butterscotch pudding.’

I’ve never been able to eat butterscotch pudding after watching that skit. To me, it tastes like earwigs.

When I was a little kid, my two Aunts (including Aunt Brumhilda who now starves her children) told me that caraway seeds in rye bread were actually minnows. Almost thirty years later, I still gag if I accidentally eat a caraway seed.

People, don’t mess with your kids. It just ain’t that funny.


Just wanted to give a big warm ‘Welcome to Online Journaling’ to Outfoxed, who just started his journal this month. Oh, and his guest book is pristine and stark, so you might want to help fill it up a little?


Quite a rousing discussion about Gone But Not Forgotten Foods on the Message Boards. Does no one remember Google peanut butter???? That stuff was the shiznit.


Also, if you are in St. Cloud, MN and reading this, please send me an email. I keep seeing this server on my stats and I’m curious! I’ll explain why when you email me!

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