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Dear Faith Hill… you’re only famous because you look like a Barbie Doll

Good Lord.

Can I digress from the normal diary fare for just a minute? When Mike ‘Boogie’ from Big Brother proposed to Krista ‘Trailer Trash’, I suddenly realized that they must have consummated their dysfunction. Then I had hysterical blindness, perhaps due to his baby blue leather basketball outfit that had ‘Chill Town’ written in sequins across the chest. And I am even more appalled that she said yes. I suppose it’s a huge move up for her, considering that her last boyfriend was jailed for beating her up and she’s a scary ‘ho-bag who was in love with a man who put a knife to her throat.

Place them on the list of people who should never have sex. There they will have plenty of company with Tom Arnold and Roseanne, Tom Cruise and any female, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley, and my mother and anyone.


Word around town is that Faith Hill will be singing the national anthem on Monday night’s Packers/Redskins game, being played here in town.

Not that it’s a big deal to the rest of the world, but as you can imagine, there’s quite a buzz around the sleepy little burg of Green Bay that Ms. Hill will visiting.

Personally, I’m not certain she’s got the vocal chops to attempt the Star Spangled Banner. Just because she looks like Country Western Barbie, doesn’t mean that she sings any better than your average Skipper doll. Maybe I’m bitter. I always identified more with Midge, the brunette slightly less-attractive fashion doll. I wonder if Faith Hill’s feet are molded into that permanent high heel position as well? Maybe she’s got a little hole in her hand to hold the microphone. I’m rather disappointed that they didn’t ask Little Richard. At least he’s a diva who’s got a reason to be a diva. Maybe he’d sing ‘Oh Canada’ too.

People are all aflutter because they won’t be allowing carry-ins at the Packer game. No purses, no diaper bags, nothing. Only in Green Bay would they have to add ‘No diaper bags’. We indoctrinate ’em into the ways of the Green and Gold very young here.

Don’t be looking for me in the stands, though. Packer tickets are very much a feast or famine thing. Either you’ve got season tickets and go to every goddamned home game there is, or you have no season tickets and have only been to a handful of games in your life. I’m in the second category. Most people have their children put on the waiting list for season tickets the day they are born. The average time spent on the waiting list before achieving season ticket status is 47.4 years. I am not making that up. They just ran a thing in the paper. It actually makes the news when someone gets season tickets. There are 60,000 people on the waiting list. The stadium holds about 68,000 people, not including the people on the field. Green Bay only has a population of 100,000.

I’ve been to two games in my life’three if you count the time I sold soda in the stands when I was sixteen. But I’m spoiled. I was sitting in the second row for both games, so if the seats are worse than that, I don’t want them. The last game I went to, the guy behind me was eating peanuts and he kept shelling them onto my back. If I stood up, he’d shell them onto my seat and I’d sit back down on peanut shells. My sofa has a better view and shorter lines in the restroom. If I want the true game experience, I just give Esteban a handful of peanuts.

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