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I think that singing belly buttons are the sixth seal of the apocalypse

My body does not like me today.

My allergies are driving me cwazy. My nose feels as though there are little itty-bitty feathers up there, wiggling around. I’m thinking about gargling with sand to stop my throat from itching. I want to stick a little wire toilet brush inside my ear and just scratch and scratch and scratch until it no longer itches.

A doctor once told me to never use Q-Tips in my ears because it was like applying infection directly to your eardrum, but what else am I going to do when it itches like a banshee? Ok, that metaphor didn’t really make sense on the surface, but I’m certain that banshees are screaming because their ears itch and they can’t scratch inside them.

So instead I route around inside my head with a Q-Tip and figure that it could be worse. I’ve seen people put keys and paperclips inside their head. When I used to work at the homeless shelter, I could never leave pens with caps on them at the front desk because they would soon have ear residue on their little tails or whatever that stick thing that hangs down off of pen caps. I think it’s there so geeks have something to put in their pockets. I don’t know. It’s really anal-retentive if you think about it. Or maybe it’s there so homeless people will have something to scoop their ear crud out with.

This is grossing you out, isn’t it? Maybe we should go back to talking about butt wiping?

I had a weird dream last night about Lokki and his BDSM. Another time, I had a dream about Eloi teaching me how to surf. I was too bodacious to stand up on the surfboard. Then I was attacked by a jellyfish. I know that I had a dream about Monitor and Caribou one time, too, but I don’t remember what it was about.

Must stop reading diaries before going to bed.

Dear Levis,

You had a good commercial with the guy wearing corduroys walking through the woods being chased by a horny badger going ‘Zoot Zoot Zoot Zoot’. Good job! Very funny!

But this ‘I’m coming out’ singing belly button thing.

I think it was contrived by the anti-Christ. Please check your ad execs heads for the sign of the beast.

Thank you.

P.S. That song gets stuck in my head for weeks and makes my ears itch.

Dear Anne Heche,

Boy, was I relieved that you had a press release stating that while you were in Logan Airport at the same time as the hijackers, you were not harmed and are, in fact, safe and sound.


Oh, and please see my letter to Mariah Carey. I forgot to put you on copy of that one.

Yours truly,

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