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Fuck your facist beauty standards, Farrelly Brothers!

I’ve been trying to figure out what bugs me about the new movie Shallow Hal for a couple of days. You know the one where Gwyneth Paltrow plays har har a 300 pound woman guffaw who looks like Gwyneth Paltrow when seen through the eyes of an asshole ha ha who has been afflicted somehow by Tony Robbins’ teeth or something.

The gimmick here is simple: It’s the idea that Tony’s teeth somehow changed the asshole Hal guy so that he’d only see the inner beauty of people and when he looks at the fat girl, he sees Gywneth, because she’s the inner beauty. Get it? It’s funny, right, because he’s so shallow he would have never fallen for her as a fat whale, but he sees Gwyneth instead and falls madly in love, allowing for numerous blatant fat jokes such as Gwyneth in a pink bikini and then a shot of the fat girl in the pink bikini and Gwyneth wearing short shorts and leaning over a counter getting a huge grundy and then the fat girl, wearing the short shorts, leaning over a counter getting a huge grundy.

Ha! HA!

Honestly, the idea that Hollywood is telling America ‘Hey, don’t pick on the fat girls because inside each and every one of them is a starving, anemic Gwyneth waiting to be seen.’ And then, of course, proceeds to poke and prod every single shallow stereotype there is. It’s hard to retain the notion that this movie is taking size acceptance road when they have a ‘humongous underwear’ joke in the trailer.

I don’t know, honestly, what we’re supposed to be laughing at. Is this supposed to be Hal’s punishment? To be seen by his friends going out with a blubber butt? Is the fat girl supposed to feel lucky that anyone at all is bothering to go out with her, even if it is this asshole Hal guy who thinks she looks like a pencil wearing two pink rubber bands when she puts on a bikini?

I have an acquaintance that is extremely shallow himself. I don’t spend a lot of time around this acquaintance because he ends up pissing me off, but that’s another diary entry all together. Needless to say, I have regularly heard sizist comments coming out of his mouth. Anyway, said acquaintance was heard remarking that he was very much looking forward to seeing Shallow Hal when it came out. Now, I’m certain that this movie will end up having a huge message behind it. I’m certain that Hal will be scorned for being so shallow somehow. I’m hoping that when Jack Black inevitably realizes that he loves Gywneth Wearing A Fat Suit that she dumps his non-attractive ass in a most vindictive way. I’m certain that Hollywood will take the higher ground, but, from watching the previews, not before skewering a few fat jokes in the process.

I have to tell you all right now: I do not have a Gwyneth Paltrow inside of me waiting to be recognized. I would be clinically depressed if I looked like Gwyneth Paltrow. The girl just looks uncomfortable, all bony and angular and empty. She looks like she’s been following the Aunt Brunhilda method of weight control, actually. Someone needs to feed Gwyneth a bacon cheeseburger. And the nerve that Jack Black has the audacity to claim that anyone fat is repugnant. Let he who is without cellulite cast the first stone, and that goes for Jason Alexander too. She may be fat, but you guys are fat, ugly and fucking assholes, and that is a far worse crime in my book.

Who is to say that my inner beauty doesn’t look exactly the fuck like ME????

Grrrr. Bastards. Farrelly Bastards.

In related news: Esteban and I watched ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ last night. Aside from being an adorable movie, Renee Zellweger looked lovely and should have retained her additional twenty-five pounds she gained for the role. She actually had boobs and hips. It was a very nice touch, a woman having those accoutrements.

I’m adding a little glossary to clear up any confusion for those readers who perhaps did not grow up in my family:

Grundy (n) (grunn-dee) 1) When a person’s undergarments ride up into their anal cleft, making said anal cleft extremely noticable. 2) Creating “thong” like underwear out of regular underwear

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