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Do not fear the Body Butter

Weetabix: Scratch my back please?

Esteban: (scratches Weetabix’s back)

Weetabix: (undulating and twisting, trying to maneuver her back so that he hits the itchy spot) Lower…. Left…. Down… the other down…. Other…no… move…. Arrrrgghh!

Esteban: Where?!?!?!

Weetabix: I think my skin is dry and that’s why it’s itchy. Can you put some Body Butter on it?

Esteban: NO WAY! That stuff smells like the inside of the Dole Pineapple’s anus.

Weetabix: No, I got different stuff. One of my diary readers told me to try the Nut Butter stuff… she said it smelled like sex.

Esteban: Um… sex doesn’t necessarily smell very good. It smells kind of raunchy.

Weetabix: Well… I don’t think she meant the actual bad sex smell. Like you’d WANT to have sex.

Esteban: With the nut butter?

Weetabix: Freak.

Esteban: Oooh… it feels like… pig fat or something. This is made from pig fat isn’t it?

Weetabix: No… it’s all natural.

Esteban: Natural pig fat.

Weetabix: I think it’s vegan.

Esteban: (delicately rubbing the butter in with one finger) That’s what they TELL you. Soylent Green is People! It’s people!!!

Weetabix: Stop being a wimp! Use your hand!

Esteban: (digging out a huge glop of body butter) Hold still!

Weetabix: (Pulling her shirt back down) No. No. You’re done. You’re done!

Esteban: No! Hold still! You will hold still!

Weetabix: No! No! I don’t want you to do it anymore!

Esteban: I have it in my hand now! You’re getting buttered, young lady!

Weetabix: Henry Rollins wouldn’t be so mean! He wouldn’t be afraid to butter my back!

Esteban: Henry Rollins is a hard-core meathead.

Weetabix: He’s a hard body. He’d probably hate my fat butt.

Esteban: I love your fat butt, honey.

Weetabix: (injured voice) You think my butt is fat?

Esteban: Um…. er…

Weetabix: (erupts into wicked laughter)

Esteban: You’re evil. Ack! I have it on my hand! (wipes some on Weetabix’s leg)

Weetabix: That will teach you to avoid the Body Butter! It’s butter karma.

Esteban: You’re going to write about this in your diary aren’t you.

Weetabix: What makes you say that?

Esteban: Because I know you. You’re writing the entry in your head right now.

Weetabix: No… I don’t have to write it in my head.

 

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