You know who is way better than me? Way funnier and way more cool?
No, don’t answer LadeeLeroy. I don’t acknowledge that she exists. She is my arch nemesis, even though she’s a fellow 12% Beermate, because sometimes people are so clever that it’s not enough to hate them a little. You have to declare them a nemesis. And since I have only one nemesis (unless you count my wicked step-monster, but she’s been laying low, perhaps going through some kind of pupa stage in which she will emerge with new more powerful paranoia and a pretty pair of wings to frighten predators), LadeeLeroy gets to be the Arch Nemesis.
But as I was saying’
Sundry. She’s very very funny. And cute. And she works for a company that not only makes her gourmet dinners and lunches but also provides massages, whereas MY company would ask me to take a laptop and a cell phone if I were ever perhaps hemorrhaging from my eye sockets and needed to be rushed to Mayo Clinic for emergency’um’ eye socket procedures.
But anyway’ Sundry. She made me pass a dehydrated strawberry from my dinner of Special K Red Berries through my nasal cavity while I was reading her latest missive. It was the Dutch Oven that did it. You can always destroy me with a good fart remark. It’s my fatal weakness.
Please don’t tell LadeeLeroy that though. That bitch doesn’t need any help.
You guys rock, by the way, on song suggestions. I started downloading last night, burned a CD this morning, and proceeded to be somewhat antsy and distracted as I tried to quality check it during work today. Except that I kept thinking alternately about Legolas, John Corbett, Russell Crowe, the Irish Ya Ya guy, the Verizon Guy, and strangely enough, Norman Feld.
The final mix for my friend, in the burned order:
Prince ‘ When Doves Cry (she’s very hot for Prince)
Terrance Trent D’Arby ‘ Sign Your Name
INXS ‘ Need You Tonight
Supreme Beings of Leisure ‘ Strangelove Addiction
Faithless ‘ Addictive
Evanessence ‘ Bring Me to Life
Puddle of Mud ‘ Control
Rosey ‘ Love
Dave Matthews Band ‘ Crash
Garbage – #1 Crush
NIN ‘ Closer
Stabbing Westward ‘ Haunting Me
K’s Choice ‘ Virgin State of Mind
Sting ‘ I Burn for you
John Mayer ‘ Your Body is a Wonderland
Sarah Mclachlan ‘ Your Love is Better than Chocolate
It was a really really hard decision. I also liked the Jump Little Children song Habit, The Faint’s Sex is Personal, and Poe’s Not a Virgin (which may go on one of my Going Out mixes) I really enjoyed downloading those songs and I now have this new love for Stabbing Westward and am addicted to the Evanessence song. I honestly didn’t want to hand over that CD but I quickly burned myself another one, swapping out the lighter stuff and the 80’s music with the above songs and am still downloading some of the later suggestions (god, why didn’t I think of ‘Fuck Me Kitten’ by one of my favorite bands ever? Because I am dumb. That is all. Dumb.)
I knew that you guys would come through for me. Thanks! Squeeeee!
Oh, and speaking of thanks’ I just got a notice that Gracielou, Ladyloo, Caenis, and Aswanber signed up for Swappingtons and listed me as a referral! And they are now my best friends.
Yes. I can be bought out with points. The Swappaddiction has started. I sent out the first batch of Bad Bar Weetamix’s and the second batch are going out tomorrow. I must say that I’m rather impressed with how they look. I even put a purty official picture of the Bad Bar’s sign on the label, to make it a true ‘musical postcard’ from The Bad Bar.
There are currently two Weetamixes up on Swappington’s that need to be loved right now. Won’t you adopt a little Bad Bar Weetamix CD? They have all of their shots and will be a true companion until the end.
I am such a damn pimp.
(Scene: The residents of Casa Bix are watching Will and Grace. Esteban is sick and drinking a lot of juice. Weetabix is eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, because she is eight years old.)
Weetabix: She has no boobs.
Esteban: I know.
Weetabix: None.
Esteban: She’s sort of pretty but then you look’ and nothing.
Weetabix: That is just a really bad dress on her. It sort of emphasizes how much breast she doesn’t have.
Esteban: Uhh’.you know, Weeter, I have had bad bowels tonight. It’s the juice.
Weetabix: Seriously’ she’s just flat.
Esteban: I was going to the bathroom before’ and I couldn’t even breathe. And then the cat left, so I knew that it was bad.
Weetabix: What? Why are you telling me this? I need an Assteban update?
Esteban: Tilly got up and left. And she gave me this loooooook’.
Weetabix: Ok’ look’ I am eating food with a timeline here. If you make me start laughing, my cereal is going to go all soggy and then I will have no dinner whatsoever because of your ass.
Esteban: Aw’ you’re so mean. I just was telling you about my poo and how bad’
Weetabix: I’m just saying’ hasn’t your ass done enough damage for one night? I mean, Tilly doesn’t smell that great on her own and if she makes that kind of statement about your foulness, you must be pretty rank. So let’s not also ruin an innocent bowl of Special K Red Berries.
Esteban: You mean Honey Bunches of Oats n Berries?
Weetabix: No, that stuff sucks. I should just throw that box out. I thought it would be like the Special K stuff but better because it wasn’t diet cereal, but I was oh so wrong.
Esteban: Thank you, because I took a handful of that stuff, thinking it was fruit free normal non-foo foo cereal and ohmygod I had this horrible vision that I was eating scabs.
Weetabix: Thank you (puts bowl down)
Esteban: Sorry.
Weetabix: And even that is not as scary as Grace’s concave breastless chest.
Esteban: It’s like she’s got two little flesh pillows.
Weetabix: She’s not even an A cup. She’s a six-ounce cup.
Esteban: It’s like she only has one boob but they parted it down the middle.
Weetabix: Exactly.
Esteban: I know.
Weetabix: I think it’s the dress. I think she shouldn’t wear a dress with a six-inch wide plunging neckline because she still shows absolutely nothing.
Esteban: No, it’s not the dress. You can watch her skin sort of do that thing right by her neck every time she moves and ohmygod I’m going to have nightmares now. It’s the juice. She needs to drink more juice
Weetabix: The thing that is ridiculous is that I can’t imagine any gay man would allow her to go out looking like a plank board wearing a woman suit. It just doesn’t compute.
Esteban: Ooooh’ there they go again.
Weetabix: What?
Esteban: The juice’ my ass. Tilly? Tilly, come back here.
Weetabix: Oh dear God!!!!! MY EYES!!! It burns! Why does it burn!!
Esteban: I’m saying. This is Assteban signing out. Have a safe and pleasant tomorrow!
