Number of Weddings attended: 1
Number of Weddings attended at Renaissance faire: 1
Number of Weddings attended at Renaissance faire in lifetime: 1
Sane reasons for getting married at a Renaissance faire: 0
Miles to Wedding: 154
Average posted speed limit: 65 mph
Miles driven while obeying the posted speed limit: 0
Miles driven exceeding 110 mph: 2
Times Weetabix used the term ‘ball sac’: 5
Times Esteban used the term ‘sex shop’: 14
Bottles of Dasani consumed: 12
Number of potty break stops in questionable gas stations: 2
Extra shirts Weetabix brought along ‘just in case’: 2
Extra shirts that came out of the laundry with miscellaneous spots that were discovered after leaving Green Bay: 2
Minutes of wearing only clean shirt before getting mystery coffee splots on shoulder of all places: 23
Miles off the highway to nearest store selling plain t-shirts: 6
Length of wedding ceremony in minutes: 4
Minutes late to wedding ceremony: 23
Dollars saved by breathlessly running up to security guard and explaining that we were late to the wedding and could we just enter through the employee gate: 34
Certainty that the security guard was a lesbian: 94%
Bare girl asses seen at the Renaissance faire: 13
Bare boy asses seen at the Renaissance faire: 0
Geeks who dress as though they kick some medieval ass, but in reality, they could only kick ass with a twelve-sided die and a magic ring of regeneration: 187
Esteban’s aunts and uncles in attendance at the reception: 18
Manhattan’s consumed by Esteban’s Aunt Neat during dinner: 4
Times Esteban’s Aunt Neat referred to her vagina at dinner: 43
Times Weetabix stated ‘I’m going to have hysterical deafness in three’ two’ one’ yep, there it is.’ Or simply covered her ears and sang ‘lalalalalala’: 12
Number of times Esteban’s younger cousin tried to brag about her mediocre life: 15
Number of times Weetabix stopped herself from saying ‘Oh, really, three trips in five years? Yeah, I’ve been on three trips since January’: 2
Number of times she chanted ‘Bitch’ in her head instead: 112
Fashion violations at reception:
&AAk-
Visible foundation: 2
&AAk-Pantyhose with open toed sandals: 15
&AAk-Trucker hat: 1
&AAk-Harley Davidson T-shirt: 1
&AAk-Jeans with paint splatters: 1
&AAk-The combination of the above three on one person: 1
&AAk-Wearing a skirt with Reeboks and white socks: 1
&AAk-Way too much time spent in tanning bed: 5
&AAk-Way too much time spent watching QVC: 43
&AAk-Bad hair (Weetabix included): 18
&AAk-
Distance in feet from hotel to reception: 86
Trips Ward made in his minvan from hotel to reception: 4
Degrees in Fahrenheit that Esteban insisted keeping the hotel air conditioning set to: 63
Times the noisy hotel air conditioner must kick in to maintain a steady temperature of 63 degrees overnight: 483
Dreams about Ren faire geeks fighting Star Trek geeks: 2
Dreams about hair plucking: 1
Dreams about hair plucking inducing a strange rattling air conditioner sound: 1
Stops at the Krispy Kreme donut place: 2
Donuts purchased in total: 8
Donuts discarded because they stopped being ‘good’: 6
Choco-Tacos consumed: 2
Miscellaneous ground meat products in some kind of casing consumed: 5
Servings of fruit consumed: 4
Servings of fruit consumed if bar cherries do not count as fruit: 0
Guilty looks at people when they asked about recent weight loss: 12
Songs by the Beastie Boys played on the way back home: 12
Songs by the Beastie Boys that Weetabix realize that she likes: 4
Cars Esteban pointed out that he’d wishes Weetabix liked rather than a Lincoln LS: 18
Alternatives Weetabix pointed out: 3
Average cost, in dollars, more expensive the alternatives when compared to a LS: 20,090
Times Esteban sang his ‘Go back to Illinois’ song when being passed by a car with Illinois plates: 4
Number of mysterious houseflies which have appropriated residency of Casa Bix over the weekend: 9
Emails received while gone: 26
Emails received which were spam: 23
Inches grass grew in 36 hours: 5
