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Beat until stiff peaks form

Have I mentioned recently how woefully unprepared I am for the holidays? I have? Of course I have, because I am very much like a broken record, perhaps warped and if you look at it spinning too long, you’ll get sort of seasick feeling and then have to sit on the couch nibbling on Saltines and breathing through your mouth.

So yeah, everyone’s getting gift cards. I swear. I think it’s because after every Christmas when I nearly kill myself to find the very perfect bestest gift in the whole wide world of giftdom, the recipients are just like ‘yeah, huh, thanks’ because what in my head seems like a very appropriate gift is probably not all that great. And just now, while I was patting myself on the back, I just remembered that once I gave someone a bag meant to store their jumper cables. And thought it was the most clever thing ever, because certainly that jumble of jumper cables in ones trunk must bother other people as well. A jumper cable cozy. Go me. That’s even worse than slipper socks, medium. And really, most of my favorite gifts are gift cards, so damn. Damn. Gift cards all around. I even bought a bunch of silver Chinese takeout boxes so that the person actually has something to open, rather than handing them an envelope and gee, I wonder what’s in it? Of course, after the first person opens their moo shu gift card, the secret will be out, but there it is.

However, if you need a gift for the kitchen magician in your life, Amazon has 5 qt. Kitchen Aid Mixers on sale for $169, with an extra $25 off for spending more than $125 in Housewares, bringing the grand total for a true gourmet lust item to $144, since there’s free shipping and no tax.

I don’t know a single cook who doesn’t covet the Kitchen Aid mixer (save for the people who already have them, and then they probably want another one in pink or stainless steel or something). Personally I clicked on the Empire Red version without even thinking. Squeee! Sure, I don’t mix anything, but only because I don’t have an Empire Red Kitchen Aid mixer! Until now!

Yeah, I’m a piece of work. I buy my family impersonal gift cards and then buy myself the girly equivalent of a Harley Davidson motorcycle (although technically, that would be a Vespa) but you see, this way my loved ones can decide for themselves if they want a mixer or something else! See, it’s genius, really!

Denial is nine tenths of the law. Especially at the holidays. God bless us, everyone.

Dear Johnny Depp,

I am sorry to inform you but the crush that blossomed in my heart when you portrayed Captain Jack Sparrow with such effortless salty goodness may very well be dead for good. (Confused? Please refer to this)

Ms. Bix

PS. Please cross ‘Dorothy Hamill Bob’ off your list of potential hairstyles and the entire planet will thank you.

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