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I was sitting here filling out one of those survey things to make as today’s entry, but then I got to the end and thought ‘My GOD, what am I about to do? Who would want to read this boring shit about which song lyric best summed up my 2004 (Hint: it’s from ‘Such Great Heights’ and sorry if that just made you have a little vomit up in your mouth) and then I realized that I came thisclose to jumping the fucking shark. Or, you know, jumping it again.

I had a vacation day scheduled today and I didn’t want to waste another vacation day being sick. When I woke up at 6:30 and found Esteban sitting on the sofa, checking his email, the ‘We are awake now’ switch flipped in my brain and there was no going back. Which is a pity because Esteban, that bastard, promptly went back to sleep and then the cat claimed my side of the bed, just like it was any other work day. So I sighed, took a shower, and noticed that the act of lathering my hair did not make me feel like fainting, unlike earlier this week, so it was a good sign. So, I got dressed, checked my email, and then crawled back into bed and whispered to Esteban that I was leaving to go shopping.

‘Pick up a gift card for (name withheld).’ He mumbled.

‘Um, why?’ I asked, perturbed, as a month ago, when we were discussing potential Christmas gifts for friends and family, Esteban specifically told me to not get this person anything because he had it all taken care of. So, being a trusting kind of person, I didn’t. Or as Jake recently pointed out, I give people just enough rope to hang themselves.

‘Because we should get them something, don’t you think?’ He murmured, still half asleep.

‘Yes, actually, I do think. That’s why you were going to get them something.’

‘Just stop at Bed Bath and Beyond’ no, Best Buy! Or something?’ He suggested, ever helpful.

I was NOT about to set foot in Best Buy today. If he had wanted me to pick up a gift card, I would have gone three weeks ago, when Best Buy was not the retail version of a rave tainted with bad Ecstasy.

‘No. I’m not. You told me not to do anything, so I didn’t. You stop and get it.’

‘You will, though. You take care of things. You’re good at that.’

‘I’m not joking. I’m not getting the gift card.’

‘But you’re going shopping. I’m not going shopping today.’

‘No. This was your thing. You messed it up, you fix it.’

‘Thanks honey, for picking that up for me! Love you honey!’ He smirked back. How can someone smirk when they are half asleep?

I started some (fucking) laundry (because I am still codependent enough to make sure he has clean underwear), dried my hair and jumped in the car. I ran through Sbux for a soy chai, as my throat hurts too much to drink coffee, got some comments from the baristas for switching from my standard mocha (it keeps you honest, ladies!) and then was on the highway pointed toward the big mall in Appleton by 8:15. I got to the mall by 9 and was sort of irritated to see that it had opened at 8, which meant that I hadn’t needed to dawdle before leaving home. Through some kind of misguided thought process, I went to the manicurist first and got my nails done and then naturally needed to use the bathroom seconds after my nails were touch dry, so totally messed up my left thumb. I stopped at Godiva and noticed that the annoying sales lady was still there, sans tarantula eye makeup. I wonder if someone mentioned something. I picked up some more candy cane truffles (because yum!) and then because I had been randomly taking digital pictures as the mood struck, I snapped a quick flashless digital picture of the display case and then turned off my camera and dropped it back into my purse.

‘Um, did you just take a picture?’ She said slowly, as though I had been trying to pull something over on her but she was onto my clever ruse.


She snipped, ‘well, you shouldn’t have done that. We don’t allow pictures to be taken inside the store for any reason.’

She stared at me expectantly. I’m not sure if she expected me to delete the picture or apologize or what.

‘I guess I’ll have to really treasure the one that I have,’ I smiled back. ‘Happy holidays!’

Ok, whatever, I broke Godiva ‘law’ or something (Wanted: The Truffle Paparazzi), but this woman is now 0 for 2 with customer service skills. It’s not just me. I’ve seen her being snitty to other customers too. Also, I noticed a new sign at the strawberry dipping station warning people that they ARE NOT SAMPLES! YOU MUST PAY FOR THESE! PLEASE KEEP YOUR CHILDREN’S HAND’S (sic) AWAY FROM CHOCOLATES! I realize that I’m making some general assumptions, but one guess who might have written that? Next time she cops attitude, I have half a notion to snap back ‘Listen, lady, need I remind you that Godiva is owned by CAMPBELL’S? How much cred do you have now, bitchface?’

We now move onto the sane portion of the entry, now with fifty percent less capitalization.

I made a pit stop at Williams and Sonoma to pick up a gift for Esteban (shhh) and also some Eggnog Bread because damn if they have free samples of something at Williams and Sonoma, it goes without saying that I will buy it. I specifically avoided sampling the mulled something or other for this very reason. Then I wandered around Pottery Barn, but didn’t buy anything because I’m trying not to buy anything else for myself until the end of the month, which is why I did not even look in the direction of the Prescriptives counter. Keep your hand to the level of your eye.

After snapping a few pictures of a very scarily realistic Santa (and almost weeping when I saw a little blond girl leave Santa’s lap and then turn around, run back and give him a giant hug) I wandered back out into the frigid temperature and decided that I really needed another Soy Chai. Luckily there was a new Sbux right by the mall, so I swooped through the drive thru and when I got to the window, the barista said, ‘Are you by any chance from the Green Bay store? What are you doing in Appleton?’ Stop looking at me like that, I do not have a Starbucks addiction. Despite recent evidence that might suggest otherwise.

I hit the dry cleaners on the way home (which was a good thing, since apparently they are closed tomorrow) and then got my car washed. I then went home and did some more (fucking) laundry. I contemplated wrapping Esteban’s presents, since he was at the computer lab, but then I looked at the clock and decided instead to go to the grocery store and pick up stuff for Christmas brunch. Except that everyone in the world also had the same idea. I drove to three grocery stores but the full parking lots made me sick to my stomach, so I decided that I would wait until after ten pm and maybe it wouldn’t be as busy. Esteban was home when I came back. I told him about my misfire at the various grocery stores, and he replied ‘We could wait and go at like, midnight?’ to which I replied, ‘That’s exactly what I was thinking.’ And he said ‘Let’s totally do that!’ Like, totally, we’re so doing that tonight. Fer sure.

Everyone born later than 1979 just collectively said ‘Huh?’

Oh, and I don’t have to tell you that he didn’t get the gift card, right? Of course he didn’t. Am I going to fix it for him? No damned way in hell. Jake’s right. There’s rope puddling at his feet right now.

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