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Daily recommended dose of Caffeine and Nutrasweet

For some reason, when I’m feeling especially exuberant, as I was yesterday, I get this healthy vibe going on and eschew my normal Diet Cokes and bagels. I think channel my hippy mother, circa 1984 or something. If I take a rototiller to our large side yard and plant okra and echinacea, you have my permission to club me violently over the head with a Spiegel catalog until I come back to my senses.

I had this intense craving for hummus yesterday. Yes. You read that right. Hummus. With cucumbers and possibly a sprout of some sort. It’s a sickness, I tell you. So I tried out this new deli/juice bar and got a hummus hoagie with a bulgar wheat cold salad. Then, because I just didn’t have enough freakishly healthy food, I also ordered carrot juice zinger, which was a convolution of carrot, apple and lemon juice.

I watched as the lady cut up what was possibly the world’s oldest carrot and place it into the juicer, unpeeled, little white hair things still clinging to its rooty body.. Then she dropped in half an apple, complete with core, stem and seeds. Then she put in a lemon peel. It churned into a dirty (!) pitcher, an orange miasma of vitamins and healthy crap. She placed it into a plastic cup (no, it wasn’t a cup, it was too small to be considered a cup, it was a cuplet. I’ve filled urine specimen jars larger than this thing.) and presented it to me.

I was a little apprehensive. It was room temperature, which was scary enough, but it was also two colors. Apparently, the carrot and the apple juice are diametrically opposed and must separate. Little bits of carrot floated on the top of the specimen cuplet like psychedelic pond algae.

I took a swig. It tasted like ass. Carroty ass. It was both woody and vile all at once. If I hadn’t seen the woman make it, I would have sworn it was Essence of houseplant with a dash of Cat Puke.

I pitched the carrot shit as soon as I hit my office. My hummus was good though. The Bulgar tasted like someone had tossed olive oil and garlic into a bunch of insect larvae.

Today, I had me some McDonald’s. Fries and a cheeseburger, please, with an Extra Large Diet Coke.

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  1. That's My Bix! › What not to drink on Friday, June 29, 2012 at 11:28 am

    […] blog readers might remember how I fought with my addiction to Diet Coke in the early OO’s (oh, we were so naive back then, were we not?) and how I almost went into withdrawals craving the […]

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