Esteban: So… can I use the word “cooter” now?
Weetabix: Absolutely not.
Esteban: You used it this afternoon. You said “I burned my cooter!”
Weetabix: I only said it to make you laugh.
Esteban: It was kind of funny.
Weetabix: See?
Esteban: But I don’t understand why—
Weetabix: Because it’s…
Esteban: Too “Dukes of Hazard”?
Weetabix: Exactly. It’s undignified. I mean, you wouldn’t want me to call yours “Boss Hawg” or anything. Or Rosco P. Koltrane.
Esteban: You wouldn’t.
Weetabix:Or “Flash”… (giggles) No. Of course not. That’s why you can’t use the word “cooter”
Esteban: It’s not as bad as cun—
Weetabix: Don’t even say it.
Esteban: I’m just saying.
Weetabix: You’re not allowed to use that word ever.
Esteban: But—
Weetabix: Never.
Esteban: That’s why we need to find another word for it. Something not offensive.
Weetabix: I like “kitty”.
Esteban: That’s just as bad as “pus—“
Weetabix: (interupts) You’re not allowed to use that word either.
Esteban: But vagina is just so… scientific. So… insert tab A in slot B.
Weetabix: How about “ragina”?
Esteban: That’s the same thing.
Weetabix: No, it’s cuter. It’s “vagina” as said by… oh…. Scooby Doo.
Esteban: Just think… you just used the word “Vagina” and “Scooby doo” in the same sentence.
Weetabix: Yeah… this is a new low. I like “kitty”… then it would pervert that entire “Hello Kitty” genre.
Esteban: I’m against having a word which has a double meaning.
Weetabix: Like “cock” or “dick” or “rod” or any host of other ones?
Esteban: Exactly. How about “billini”?
Weetabix: That’s a dessert.
Esteban: It is not.
Weetabix: Yes. It’s a dessert. Seriously. I saw Martha Stewart make it once. On Food Network. Now how bad would THAT be…. “Martha was working hard on her billini.”
Esteban: No… I’m saying “BILLini” not “blini”. BILL. Eeny.
Weetabix: Oh. Yeah, but it’s still sounds like a dessert. And there are some schools of thought which would agree with that–
Esteban: (ignoring that completely) Although, maybe guys named Bill would find that offensive. It needs to be foreign, I think. Maybe Spanish.
Weetabix: Oh my god. This is like an email conversation I had with a diary reader, about what the various parts of my body would sound like. I told him that I always envisioned my kitty having a French accent.
Esteban: I’m thinking Spanish though.
Weetabix: It’s my kitty, it can be French if it wants to be.
Esteban: How about Tuvalee?
Weetabix: That’s… very pretty, I guess. Tuvalee. It sounds like a city name.
Esteban: Or “gorto”.
Weetabix: Gordo? That’s Spanish for FAT!
Esteban: No no no, gorto. Maybe “vorto”. Although that sounds more masculine.
Weetabix: Yes, it’s definitely describing something that penetrates.
Esteban: “Tuvalee” then.
Weetabix: I don’t know.. it sounds too much like… tuna.
Esteban: It doesn’t. Or “Uganamy”.
Weetabix: That sounds like a dish made with sea urchin and soybeans. You should talk to the people who name the sandwiches at Erbert & Gerberts.
Esteban: Hey… I think that’s where I heard “Tuvalee”. I think it’s a sandwich.
Weetabix: Is it a tuna sandwich?
Esteban: I don’t…
Weetabix: …that tastes like chicken?
Esteban: This is why I married you…because you have the body of a girl with the mind of a guy.
Weetabix: Oh, did I tell you? Badsnake threatened to fly up here and kick my ass and then have sex with me.
Esteban: Oh? THE Badsnake from Atlanta?
Weetabix: Yeah. It made me giggle out loud. It was, of course, contingent upon your permission, though. She’s very respectful that way.
Esteban: Hmmm… Let me think about that… let you have sex with a lesbian. What do I get in return?
Weetabix: Get? I don’t know. I thought that was every man’s fantasy? For his wife to get all lesbiany with another woman.
Esteban: Well, it’s not like I would get to watch! I doubt that Bad would want me involved.
Weetabix: Yeah, I kind of doubt that too. I think she works solo.
Esteban: So, I’d need something in return.
Weetabix: What do you want?
Esteban: I get to have a Get Out Of Adultery free card, to be used at some time in the future to have sex with someone of my choosing.
Weetabix: A male someone.
Esteban: No, no, no, a female someone.
Weetabix: That’s not fair! The point of this would be experimentation.
Esteban: No, it is fair. Think of it from my side. There are risks involved. What if you LIKE it? Then I’d be out of luck.
Weetabix: This is all hypothetical.
Esteban: I know, but work with me here. You might like the entire lifestyle, and then you’d be moving to Atlanta to become the 5th Rancho resident, you even got offered a job at your Atlanta branch office, you’d be all set. And you like the radio stations down there. I’d be out of luck. I need some payout for taking such a high risk. But it’s a good deal for you. I think it’s safe to say that I probably wouldn’t get to use my Get Out Of Adultery Free card anyway. I’m offensive, I’m old, and I’m not the hottest guy out there.
Weetabix: I think you’re very cute.
Esteban: You’re my wife. You have to.
Weetabix: My tuvalee thinks so too.
Esteban: See… it’s catchy, isn’t it?
Weetabix: I’m writing this into my diary. People don’t believe that we really have these conversations.
Esteban: I can’t imagine why.
“I believe you have those conversations, I just don’t believe that you put them on the internet”
