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greenies make you horny, baby

When I was fourteen, I was obsessed with green M&Ms, under the impression that the green ones? They made you horny. I wasn’t really certain what the whole “horny” thing was, if I was or was not horny at any one time. I had a boyfriend. He had shown me his penis, alert and spry in his brand new thatch of blond pubic hair. I wasn’t really sure what happened during our major makeout sessions, when I got all twisty and twirly feeling in my pants and apparently was sweating a LOT because my underwear were always soaked. (Moms and aunties, you might do well to get your girls a subscription to Playgirl so things like this aren’t quite so surprising, ok?) So yeah, the horny thing. I was down with that.

There’s no real basis for the green M&M thing, but just the same, I usually stock up on the Christmas red and greens anyway, and then only eat the reds first so that I am left with a delightful pile of greenies, because it makes me laugh. (I don’t eat chocolate very often, so I feel entitled to play with it a little first.)

But you know that you’re officially old when gigantic corporations are picking up on your urban legends and selling them back to you. This year, M&M Mars is releasing a companion set of all green bags of M&Ms for Valentine’s Day, along with their typical white/red/pink combinations. But still! All greenies! That make you horny! Or, er, give you “elevated romance levels”. Which means HORNY! HA!

I’m totally grabbing a bag for myself. And maybe a Playgirl.

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