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Hair today, hair tomorrow

I’m kind of a princess about my hair. Perhaps it’s because it’s the only part of me that doesn’t get fat, or maybe it’s because I’m a princess about a lot of things, but even when I go through hippy periods where I forego pedicures and facial/eyebrow shaping appointments, my hair is still getting professional touch ups by a master stylist to hide the witchy greys every five to six weeks without fail. It’s expensive bullshit and I cringe at the price of my vanity whenever I hand over the plastic and make another appointment. It’s an expensive habit and the ridiculous thing is that I literally have the simplest hairstyle in the world right now: straight with blunt bangs. No fanciness. No trickery. No nonsense.

It’s also an annoying addiction: my stylist is really hard to get into, I often end up with inconvenient appointments and often get my hair did just in time to go home and go to bed. What’s more, my stylist is short! What does that have to do with anything? Well, if she happens to wear ballet flats that day, I spend the entire appointment with bad posture so that she can reach the top of my head.

But I keep going back to her because the color she uses is rich and perfect and makes my hair happy (unlike other colors, which make my hair limp and feel like it’s been colored) and she has never ever fucked up my head. Ever. Also, aside from her absolute refusal to give perms (which she gave as a caveat up front), she’s never ever imposed her agenda upon me. For instance, when I decided to grow my hair out last year, we did judicious and light trims and now whomp, it’s grown out. Contrast that to my previous stylist, who insisted that I looked better with short hair, so after two years of telling her I wanted to grow my hair out, I realized that it was shorter than when I started. So fired.

Also, as much as I pamper my hair, I’m totally not committed to it. I feel that hair should be performance art. It should be whatever color or cut or style that you feel like the morning you are sitting in the chair. It shouldn’t give you angst, because it’s HAIR. It will grow back. It will grow out. If you don’t like the color, you can change it. No big whoop.

I had the inverted bob that everyone else had four years ago (and some still have, much like others desperately cling to satellite dish bangs and mullets) (Oh not you, I’m not talking about you) and got over it and then just started going Mrs. Mia Wallace and then decided that I really sometimes wanted my hair off my neck, and hey, it’s impossible to do that when it’s too short to put in a ponytail. I’m the queen of ponytails, because as much as I insisted in the first paragraph of this post that I love it, I also hate my hair. I hate it when it gets in my face when the wind blows, when I’m bending over anything, when I’m at a club dancing, when we’re swimming, when basically EVER. When I do the laundry, no fewer than four ponytail holders fall out and then I have shame. Why? I don’t even know.

Then seemingly overnight, my hair went from shoulderlength to long-assed hair. The kind of hair that people come up to you and say “Oh my god, look at how long your hair is getting! When did you start growing out your hair?” Er, it’s always growing, right? But whatever.

Then, I was slouching in my stylist’s chair and she held up a hank of my hair, repeating her monthly question “What do you want to do with this?” and I shrugged. “Do you want to cut it? Are we going short yet?” And that’s when I made the critical misstep.

“No, I think I’m going to donate it.”

That was it. I think I’m going to donate it. How sweet. How kind. How damned noble, right? My hair going for wigs for kids with cancer! I’m not vapid, I’m Saint Bix!

Here’s the thing: They need at least 8 inches of hair, preferrably more. I have at least 8 inches right now but I would have to go right back to super short. I did super short in the early 00’s and didn’t really like it. It’s actually way more maintenance and required an actual committed relationship with a blowdryer, something better left to one night stands. Also, I really don’t want to ever be mistaken for Dooce. Which just might happen. You never know.

But now, because of the “I think I’m going to donate it” business, I really need to let it grow for another few months. And then it will be the heat of summer: a time that I can only really survive with a ponytail because of the aforementioned neck issue. Which means we’re looking at, oh, September.

September. Five months from now. The alternative involving the phrase “the kids with cancer don’t REALLY need wigs, do they?”

Sigh.

I hate my hair.

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10 Comments

  1. Nimble wrote:

    Hee hee — It’s up-dos all summer long then!

    Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 8:52 am | Permalink
  2. Sherri wrote:

    My hair is currently hip length (I stand 5’8, so figure about 3 feet of hair). I found out a few years ago that anything above my shoulders spends all its time trying to crawl up my nose (or restrained in hairbands, headscarves, etc.) and I’m too lazy to bother with anything like a style or cut. It grows fast.

    I also decided that, when I got it cut, I’d donate (I’ve donated before, as I’ve fought with the long hair/short hair dilemma for most of my life), and it’s JUST about long enough to cut off the tail and still have enough for it not to be up my nose all the time.

    I also live a lot further south than you do, so take the next remark with that in mind.

    BRAIDS, my dear. Also, explore the Goody display for a variety of clips. Fancy ponytails (1 part ponytail, 1 part bun, 3 hair pins and an elastic) But, mostly, play with braids. I often sleep with braids in if I don’t want to spend hours on the hair first thing in the morning — I can undo the braids, run a comb through, and get a nice wavy thing going without much bother.

    I’m also a big, big, BIG fan of smoothing serums. Pantene makes my current favorite. Doesn’t take much.

    Some time in late August or early September, I will be cutting the mess off. I should get a good 10 inch tail and still have hair below my shoulder blades.

    Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 9:54 am | Permalink
  3. Georgina wrote:

    Hi Weet! Long time lurker here!

    Anyway, I made the same comment! My hair was a pixie-ish cut when I initially made the comment which means, I have to grow my hair out about 18 inches. It’s currently down to my ears. I have curly-ish hair and I live in the worst hair city (Houston, Texas). I hope to hear more of your hair growing stories.

    Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 6:22 pm | Permalink
  4. Lorraine wrote:

    Make sure you check the rules about coloured hair. Growing it for so long and then hacking it off only to find out they won’t accept it will suck!

    Saturday, April 10, 2010 at 9:01 am | Permalink
  5. Nimble wrote:

    My inverted bob is prissily miffed. Come on — it’s the cutest thing I’ve done with my hair in 10 years.

    I remember seeing a woman in Albuquerque in the early 90s and doubletaking at her cobra-esque corona of stand out bangs. Not just on top but all the way around her face, sprayed to stay. NM manages to be around ten years behind the trends but that was a stand out sighting.

    Tuesday, April 13, 2010 at 1:25 pm | Permalink
  6. Sara wrote:

    I’ve donated several times. I always hate the short hair that results, but the thought of some sweet baby having a wig always overrides a few months of shitty hair. Here’s a link to several of the bigger programs that includes their requirements. I’ve done Locks of Love twice and Pantene Great Lenghts as well. Most salons will do the cut/style for free when you donate, so that a bonus too!

    http://www.squidoo.com/donateyourhair/63531692-Donate-To?utm_source=donateyourhair&utm_medium=secondary&utm_campaign=MPL#module8153964

    Wednesday, April 14, 2010 at 12:45 pm | Permalink
  7. Sasha wrote:

    You know, I was just looking at a photo of you and thinking “When did W’s hair get so long? I just saw her like last week and it was jaw length.”

    And then I remembered that last week was actually 18 months ago, and hair grows.

    Saturday, April 17, 2010 at 4:31 am | Permalink
  8. Bruce wrote:

    I too was going to wave the caution flag regarding coloured hair. I’d always heard it had to be dye-free to donate. To be honest, donating’s out for me anyway, just because my hair is fine and it would take about 3 years to grow long enough, and then it’d be full of split ends.

    Monday, April 19, 2010 at 1:49 pm | Permalink
  9. Melinda wrote:

    I finally switched hairdressers this year and the shock of the price difference between Fabulous Mike and Crazy Ray was enough to make me gasp a little. But oh, Fabulous Mike’s color jobs are such perfection! His tendency towards giving me the ubiquitous bob is totally forgiven every time I hear someone say “Wow, I love that color on you!” I’ll do my own nails and brew my own coffee, but I’m never elaving Fabulous Mike.

    Monday, April 19, 2010 at 2:09 pm | Permalink
  10. Punchy wrote:

    I’m ashamed to say I was SO RELIEVED when I went to donate my hair to Locks of Love and they said they wouldn’t take it because of the years of dye.

    Thursday, May 6, 2010 at 4:26 pm | Permalink

One Trackback/Pingback

  1. Tangled up in Bix « That's My Bix! on Friday, March 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    […] Almost exactly a year ago, I declared that I was going to donate my hair but I had to wait until fall so that I didn’t get scalped. Then I decided to wait until Christmas. Then it was just the right length where it didn’t do that horrible bunching thing on my neckline/shoulders and then I decided to let it go until after Weetacon so that I didn’t chance a Tuf situation. Plus, since I’m going to cut it all off anyway, I don’t have to be all gentle with the coloring anymore and could in theory get some crazy ass pink shit and have a head of cotton candy if I wanted. (It worked for Katy Perry. That bitch is a goddamned firework.) […]

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