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I’m a unicorn

Here’s a very true fact: our cat Jincy is the boss of all of us.

She’s the boss of me, she’s certainly the boss of Esteban and she’s even the boss of Avi. The pug weighs twice what the cat does, but you wouldn’t know it for the furious ass kickings that are doled out nightly in our den (aka The Thunderdome). What’s more, Jincy has decided that Avi’s nice big cushy dog bed is in fact the perfect place for a 10 pound grey and white cat. Please be aware, Jincy already has her own elevated kitty beds in my office, Esteban’s office (where there are TWO) and the den, as well as a super cushy smaller cat bed of her own. Not to mention that the entire loveseat in the living room is basically hers as well, as it is covered with Ikea sheepskins and one of my fleece hoodies that has also had the misfortune of being Jincy’s favored sleeping places. No. She also would like the pug’s giant bed, please and thank you.

It’s so sad: Avi will walk into the living room, spy the cat in the dog bed, and then sadly slump off to sit in the only cat bed that is pug-accessible. There, she spills over the side and crushes the top until she gets more or less comfortable and then sighs a giant world-weary breath and closes her eyes against the cruel world.

I realized that I’ve been doing that for the last year. The sighing, the making do, the tiny ridiculous attempts at getting comfortable.

I have a giant lump on my noggin. It’s not a tumor. It’s completely normal or normal for me or something. It might be something gross or it might be something even more gross or maybe it’s a vestigal horn or a third nipple or (here’s my hope) it might be an absorbed twin fetus (fingers crossed).

It was pea-sized since I was a teenager and was something I kind of lived with, but in the last year, it’s started hurting off and on. Then it started always pretty much being a low grade headache emanating from the lump. I mostly blew it off because I figured my life was a fucking mess with my grandmother’s illness and death (something, in retrospect, I have not been dealing with well) and why wouldn’t I have a stress headache pretty much all the time? Except that it just got worse and worse and then just when I thought I could deal, it got even worse. Incidentally, the lump is also in the same spot where my neck muscles always seize. Coincidence? It turns out maybe not, since the lump is apparently full of evil. That’s what my doctor said. She used the word “evil”. When I become a super villain, remember this absorbed twin fetus thing for my origin story.

I let Sarah feel it in October and she compared it to a malted milk ball. I let my sister feel it over the weekend and she pulled her hand away like it was going to bite her. It’s the lump that keeps on giving.

How long do you put up “wait and see” before you do something about it? Or is the twin inside my brain trying to chew its way out of my skull and maybe the neck pain is the little malformed feet kicking their way to the surface? Because if so, that’s going to be the fucking BEST story at parties.

Tomorrow, my head is getting cut open and my lump/twin fetus/devil horn is going to be cut off my skull. Just my luck, my super short haircut should show off the shaved section quite nicely for the holidays. Maybe I can ask the surgeon to use red and green stitches.

Unfortunately, there’s no similar hope for the pug.


PS. I updated to tell you this because I’m trying to be a better, more consistent blogger, especially now that the NaNo business is done. But you don’t have to comment to say anything about good wishes or hugs (or huggggsssss!!!!) or anything like that. I assume that you guys wish me well. I really just posted so that you could rubberneck my weird medical drama, quite honestly. Peace out!

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  1. tiff wrote:

    God I hope you post pictures of it.

    (best of luck! I have gotten cards already from your super-organized Weet-a-Christmas card folks! Whoa!)

    Wednesday, December 7, 2011 at 7:35 pm | Permalink
  2. Jas wrote:

    I have two thoughts about your Lump of Evil:
    1) My mom had one of those on her forehead and it turned out to be a benign cyst. I hope yours is the same thing, because while it sucks that it has to be cut off, benign is good.
    2) I have this scene in my head now from The Godfather (the book, not the movie) where Lucy Mancini goes to the doctor in Vegas for a lump on her arm and he smashes it flat with a heavy medical tome to save her a surgery fee. So, if you go to the doctor and they start coming at you with a large book, you might want to brace yourself.

    Wednesday, December 7, 2011 at 7:54 pm | Permalink
  3. Melissa Heckman wrote:

    I have a non-tumor on my head too. I kind of hope it has a tooth in it.

    Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 7:54 am | Permalink
  4. dorrie wrote:

    DUDE! You MUST let us know what happens. Good luck

    Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 9:17 am | Permalink
  5. Scotty G wrote:

    Bring a jar and some formaldehyde. If you’re going to brag about it, we at least need pictures.

    Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 5:35 pm | Permalink
  6. WendyBix wrote:

    If only I knew someone who could get me a jar of formaldehyde, say, tomorrow by lunchtime.

    Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 7:24 pm | Permalink
  7. Amanda wrote:

    I had a lump of evil, too! Sebaceous cysts run in my family (thanks, mom!), and I had one that got inflamed and even created a little bald spot. It exploded two days before I saw the doctor, which was kind of awesome and incredibly gross at the same time. At least the hair has grown back 🙂 Surgery sounds much cleaner – best of luck!

    Friday, December 9, 2011 at 9:03 am | Permalink
  8. Susan wrote:

    huggggsssss!!!! Sorry, I just couldn’t not do that. I had a giant lump near my should blade that was removed a few years ago. We all have lumps to bear, apparently.

    huggggsssss!!!! Oops, it slipped out again.

    Monday, December 12, 2011 at 8:08 am | Permalink

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