That's My Bix!

I didn’t get the big fellowship either.

For perhaps the first time, the quarantine/shelter in place situation has kind of gotten into my brain. Between the hopes getting dashed for an exit out of Nevada via a sweet waterfront home to the idea that it might have been partially funded and with a tremendous honor and then horror of watching the death count skyrocket as the dictator in charge uses it as an opportunity to self-promote and gaslight, it has not been a good day.

I did have a long phone chat with my LV bestie and grad school confidante, Lindsay. We are both certain that we’re going to walk out of this COVID experience with extreme agoraphobia. We are both a little weirded out that we have been absolutely FINE without leaving the house. I mean, that’s not normal, right? Honestly, for me it’s been a not just fine but an actual relief. Las Vegas traffic is terrible, parking on campus is terrible, half the people in graduate programs or academia get worked up about meaningless things and have ridiculously inflated senses of entitlement, and until a few days ago, I was heads down on my manuscript anyway, so being still and limiting stimulation helped me get my head centered deeply into the novel.

So I guess some good things are happening in that I’ve learned a lot about myself, but also, I wish we didn’t have to watch more than 30K people die because our leaders didn’t bother to prepare for the pandemic, or chose to underplay it while they moved their stock portfolio.

I really hope that if I do get this disease and don’t make it, the rest of you will make sure that these assholes are punished for their crimes against the country and against the thousands of people who have suffered and died for their irresponsible lack of leadership. Make them say every name of every person who died because of their actions. Have them shake hands with every currently contagious person. Force them to dip into their stock portfolio to pay off the medical bills, mortgages and credit card bills for the people who lost their jobs. Drag my corpse out if you need to but get it done.

I’ve been trying to be open about my mental struggles to help make that more open and less weird to talk about. I have panic attacks. It’s bad. It’s really terrible. It’s basically your body deciding that someone or something is trying to kill you and that you need to fight or run as fast as you can to get away, but really you’re just sitting in your house and you can’t breathe normally and your heart feels like it’s going to explode and generally you also can’t stop the waves of crying jags.

It’s a bad scene.

The last one I had was the morning of my first comp test at the end of January. I don’t remember the one before that, but I think it was sometime in autumn or maybe around Thanksgiving.

I’ve learned to recognize the signs and some of the triggers. Many things are related to the PTSD that I carry from past traumas. Things like sometimes I get freaked out by sudden movements near my face. If I accidentally hit my own head doing something stupid (like not being careful getting in a car), it will trigger a panic attack like clockwork. Sometimes Esteban will lean over me to read something on the computer and I get panicked. I always try to calmly ask him to step back and I know it hurts his feelings a little because of course I know he wouldn’t do anything. I know he wouldn’t do anything, just like I know that no one is trying to kill me despite my body sending tons of adrenaline coursing through my system — knowing isn’t the problem. Your conscious mind might intellectually know that you’re safe but your lizard brain doesn’t listen and has an inbox full of 30,000 unread emails.

I’ve been hearing that some of you are also feeling maybe some of the signs of trauma and physical body distress. Here’s the thing — what we’re all going through is actually trauma. Seriously, I’m not making this up — it’s trauma. And if you have PTSD from anything, new trauma brings back old trauma in weird and unpredictable ways, so you start seeing some of the same behaviors and reactions pop back up but in contexts that don’t make sense.

It doesn’t make sense because it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t have to make sense to be upsetting. Stop trying to figure it out. Just go with it and treat yourself with kindness, okay? Because someone’s got to do it and Now You is the best friend that Future You has right now.

Future You is going to need some help. That means Now You needs to do some small things that help Future You deal with this. Because the numbers are going to get more scary. The people staying safer inside are going to start getting tired of it and making statements about how you might as well just get the infection over with, it’s just a spicy flu, etc. Those statements are going to flag trauma centers in your brain. Our poor little trauma centers of the brain are firing overtime, like underpaid Amazon Fresh delivery drivers. We have to go easy on ’em. Future You needs you.

Your assignment: Be kind to yourself. That means if you want to sit on the couch and start up a Gilmore Girls marathon even though the dishes need to be done, well, let’s see what Richard and Emily are serving for dinner this week. That means if you need to have a “from bed” day, then crawl in and put on some soothing music but don’t forget to turn the ringer on your phone all the way off. That means that if you don’t feel like washing your hair today, messy buns and hats are your medicine.

Now, I do have a few rules for Now You that are zero fun but they pay off for the trauma centers of the brain.

First, get enough sleep. Enough sleep is really hard right now — insomnia from anxiety is real, so do what you need to do to go to sleep. Maybe that’s taking an edible two hours before bedtime. Maybe that’s playing soothing music. Maybe that’s making sure you are done eating at least 4 hours before bedtime. Maybe that means you can’t watch scary movies right now or you need to reup your Hallmark subscription to mega dose on cheesy bland happily-ever-after 90 minute shows. Whatever you need to do, 8 hours of sleep is your new religion.

Second, you need to eat protein and fiber. I know, I know, it’s much nicer to just eat white bread and Kerrygold butter and not think about nutrition but you really will feel better if you eat every 4 hours during the day and make sure there’s always some protein and fiber in the mix. Your guts will thank you and Future You will be getting a serious kindness. Good stuff for this include smoothies, hardboiled eggs, and peanut butter and banana sandwiches, but it also counts if you just find a protein drink you like and drink that to get you through the day. Whatever works but try to get at least 20 grams of protein with every meal, and at least three fruits and vegetable servings a day.

Third, at least 20 minutes of exercise per day. If you’re doing everything from your house, you’re not walking even a tenth as much as you used to — think of all the parking lots you no longer walk from, the trips to the restroom which are now only ten feet away instead of across the corporate lobby, etc. 20 minutes of exercise isn’t a lot — and yes, vacuuming or picking up stuff around the house totally counts. You get bonus points if you get outside and get some sunshine though (sorry Seattle folks — do your best?)

Fourth, buy yourself a quarantine present. I don’t care what it is. You know the thing you’ve been eyeing up. Maybe it’s a leather bound fancy journal with creamy thick pages. Maybe it’s a box of fancy fruit from the expensive mail order place. Maybe it’s a Spirograph. Maybe it’s a puppy. You already know what it is. This is your excuse to buy it. If anyone gives you shit about it, tell them I said you needed to do it. Then leave me a comment to tell me what your splurge is. Go ahead. I’ll wait until you get back.

I believe in you, friends. And I believe in Future You. I’m glad you’re here with me. Thank you for being kind and taking care of you during this time. We’re all in this together and it helps me to know that none of us is doing this alone.