Today, the powers that be were trying their darnedness (is that a word? Or is it darnedest? Or is this just a word that my grandmother made up?) to prevent me from going to work.
First of all, the rain. Minutes before I left for work, the heavens opened up and torrents fell to the earth. We’re talking “hurry up and build an ark” kind of rain. Luckily for me, my car was in the garage, so I didn’t have to actually run through rain to get to the car. Off to work we go!
Even the rain of biblical proportions could not unadhere the dead bugs from my windshield. I tried to lube them up with the windshield washer fluid, but no go. It was like tires crushing corn flakes. Very gross. Hopefully they’ll have washed away after today’s rainfall.
So, I’m up on the Tillman Bridge (aka, the bridge of no return) and suddenly, the drawbridge begins to rise. I drove, I kid you not, half a mile with my jaw agap, trying to see the boat that was coming. I almost relaxed, thinking, ok, maybe it’s one of those masty sailboat thingys that just barely needs the bridge open? No go. The U.S.S. Calumet coal barge had stopped in the middle of the Fox, waiting for the bridge to open. Then I had to wait for it to traverse the opening. 20 minutes. No caffeine in the car. It was not a pretty picture.
Finally, the drawbridge closes. I continue my journey to work. At the end of the bridge is a posted school zone. 15 mph (rather than the normal 35) for about two blocks. I’m used to it. It’s no big. Anyway, I’m driving along my 17 mph through this area and an ASSHOLE in a rusted pick up actually lays on his horn at me. Because I’m not going fast enough, see. He’d rather I endanger the lives of the many low-income children of that area. And get a speeding ticket. Bastard. All this as I am passing a sign that clearly states “School Zone 15mph”. And he has the gaul to pass me and give me the “Idiot driver” look. I waved my hand at him. That will teach him.
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Green Bay Rules of Travel
This brings up an important fact. The good people of Green Bay, Wisconsin, do not, in fact, know how to drive. Well, some of us do. Mostly my friends and me. My sister, however, does not. She tailgates like a mo-fo. I’ve talked to her about it and she does not see anything wrong with this. It’s not her fault, people, she lives in Green Bay and is infected with the driving disease.
Rule #1: When merging, you are the most important vehicle on the highway. All other cars must yield to you. Feel free to ramp up to speed as slowly as you like. If your merge lane is going to disappear and the car in the real lane does not or cannot move over for you, feel free to slowly edge over until the car either speeds up or slows down to accomodate you. DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SPEED! You’re the guest on this highway, so they should be nice to you.
Rule #2: When making a turn, immediately place yourself in the lane that you need to be in. Even if you are making a right turn, go ahead and aim for the farthest lane possible. After all, it’s efficient, since 10 miles down the road, you’ll be making a left turn. It saves time and energy for all involved.
Rule #3: If a car is trying to change lanes to the lane you are driving in and clearly has their blinker on, SPEED UP to make sure that you don’t allow them to get in front of you. After all, they might get to where you’re going faster than you. Can’t have that. If they had followed Rule #2, they wouldn’t have been in that predicament in the first place.
Rule #4: When passing on the highway, speed up to pass a vehicle, then get in front of them and slow down again…. to below the speed that the passed vehicle is traveling. You’re traveling the right speed after all, and it is up to you to make sure that all cars follow this standard.
Rule #5: When driving straight and approaching a stop light, feel free to stop in the far right lane. This will prevent right-hand turners from turning and make them wait until the light turns green. If you have to wait, why shouldn’t they?
Rule #6: If a road looks wide enough for two lanes but does not have an idiot strip down the middle designating two lanes, then go ahead and straddle that midpoint. The roadmakers wanted to have a generously sized single lane for your driving pleasure. Feel free to take as much space as necessary for your peace of mind.
Rule #7: If it is a beautiful day, feel free to linger as long as you’d like after the light turns green. Drivers are too stressed and they should take advantage of any little breaks in their day to stop and enjoy God’s world. We don’t see many nice days in Wisconsin, so if it means that the cars in the back miss their light, so be it!
Rule #8: Turn without looking for approaching cars. If there are any cars coming, they’ll stop for you. We’re a friendly town!
Rule #9: Head-checks were invented by chiropractors trying to drum up business. They are not neccessary, so don’t bother straining your neck.
Rule #10: The left lane on the highway is for your use. Drive your entire trip on it, don’t worry about it! As long as you are within spitting distance of 55 mph (even in a 65 mph zone), you’re fine. No one should need to pass because no one should be going faster than you! However, 35 mph and lower do belong in the right lane. Let’s not go overboard!
Rule #11: Only use your turn signal in extreme cases or if a cop is around. Seriously. You might wear it out.
Rule #12: The world is your ashtray. If you are driving, regardless of speed, feel free to throw cigarettes or butts out the window. Hey, don’t worry about the driver behind you with the open window. That cherry should be out before it hits them in the face. Shouldn’t be driving that close anyway! As for the mess, that’s what the prisoner road crews are for every spring.
Rule #13: At night, drive with your BRIGHTS ON! Don’t worry about dimming them for on-coming traffic or when you are behind another car. You’re just helping them see better too.
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Yesterday was a Grrl Golf day. Carissa, Penny and myself all headed out to Woodside Country Club for a fun day of putting and driving. Aside from a club car guy who was not on the stick and did not quench our thirsts until HOLE 5(!), it was a lovely day. I golfed like shyte, though, but that was not the point. Carissa got a Par on that same hole 5 (had to have been the addition of booze, right Cari?) and Penny got 1 above par on a different hole.
I broke out my new hot pink Lady Fliers and promptly lost 6 of the 15 new balls, plus one used white ball. Yes, people, 6 lost balls. This coming from the girl who played 4 rounds of golf last year with the same ball. It’s really my own fault. The front 9 at Woodside is a ball-devouring void. I actually lost one ball in flat grass. I still don’t know how I accomplished that one. Nearly half my new balls, people. Gone to the Golf Goddess. I’m going to stick with used balls from now on. It doesn’t hurt so much when I lose them. I also lost my favorite Titleist white ball. 🙁 Had some good drives though. Plus got to play with my zoom lens. When the webpage is back up, I will be adding a Girl Golf page or something.
We looked cute. It’s all that matters, really.
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I love Golf days. I’m always so relaxed afterwards. I drove around really fast playing my blues CD and singing along. I’m not sure if I’m relaxed because of the exercise, the wine coolers, or what. Normally, Sundays are very stressful but golf days never are.
Love that. It’s a good thing.
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Last night, when I signed on to MIRC, someone stole my nickname. I know! Shocking! I was so pissed! So now, instead of the cute perky LOLAGRANOLA, I am saddled with LOLA^GRANOLA, which, in my opinion, is not as cute and perky. I hate symbols. It’s just a loser excuse of a name. Plus, it’s hard to type. It’s all shift key then stretch for the 6 key. Suckage. I’m trying to log back on and hopefully, they will not complete the registration for my nick and I’ll snag it back. It’s worth a shot? A girl can dream.
Ok, not like I’ve had it for very long, but still… it was my identity. {sniff}
If I ever see the wench who stole it, I’m going to slap her. Seriously.
I don’t normally resort to violence, especially with strangers, but that felt pretty invasive.
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Overheard in the Ponderosa restroom yesterday, spoken by a little girl to her mother.
Little Girl: (hushed awed voice) One time, I touched a poop.
Mother: My, what an exciting day that must have been!
TEEHEE!
