Today, Markus sent me an email at work which said that he’d be bringing over my birthday present early, since it had arrived today. He said he wasn’t expecting it so soon and had wanted to wait until my birthday, but, well, I’d understand when I saw the present.
Um. Ok.
Now, y’all know that I’m InstantGratificationGirl. I can’t stand to wait for shit. So naturally I am wondering what could it be? What could not wait until next weekend’s Birthday Spectacular’ party? Or even my actual birthday, which is before then?
Couldn’t be a Twinkie. Those last forever. Maybe it was a dream date with Johnny Knoxville from MTV’s Jackass, but that didn’t really make sense, since Markus is Esteban’s best friend and was the best man at our wedding. Don’t think that he’d be fixing me up with any dates.
That’s when I thought “Maybe it’s a puppy!”
Yes. I am four years old.
A fluffy puppy with big brown eyes that would jump on me and lick me all over until I was in a giggle fit. A puppy that I’d call…. hmmmm…. Spike. Yes, Spike the puppy. And I’d feed him Double Stuffed Oreos and lots and lots of Diet Coke. (Warning: do not feed your dog Oreos or any kind of chocolate as it will kill them. We at Weetabix.diaryland.com do not condone feeding dogs anything harmful or mistreating them in anyway. Please feed your dog or cat brand name pet foods, such as Hills Science Diet or torn up scripts from MTV’s Total Request Live and they will live a full and healthy life with regular bowel movements.)
Ok, so now I’m hoping for a puppy at this point and then I realize that basically I’ve screwed over Markus because anything he brings me is not going to be as cool as a puppy. It’s just not. And I love Markus to death. He’s my favorite platonic male. He’s awesome. And he’s going to dress up in a kilt when we go to Ren Faire. So I don’t feel too out of it, all dressed up by myself. And Markus has never even BEEN to Ren Faire. But he’s doing this. Can a person be any sweeter? I think not.
But Markus has a history of getting wonderful presents. For our wedding, I was whining to him that I didn’t like my car at the time (this was pre-Monte), so what does Markus do? He went out and rented this SAHWHEEEETTT silver sporty thing for me to drive that weekend. So I didn’t have to drive to my wedding in a bomber. And he had a permanent magnetic sign made up by a professional sign maker that said “Weetabix & Esteban Just Married” with the date and stuff on it. It’s now living on our refrigerator. Because that’s what kind of awesome guy Markus is. Seriously. Words cannot describe.
I rushed home from work and Markus, being the paradigm of earliness, pulled up seconds after I rolled the Monte into our garage, which I can now park in as Esteban was storing this Network Attached Storage device in my parking spot in the garage and I assume that he moved it or it was picked up or whatever. I never really did understand that whole deal. Why store a $60,000 piece of equipment in a $80,000 house? Really, where’s the logic? But back to the story.
Markus brings in my gift and it’s a plain cardboard box. He hands me a knife and immediately I realize: it’s not a puppy. Unless Markus is now channeling Charles Manson and we had to sacrifice the puppy two weeks before summer solstice in order to fully benefit the evil vibes or some weird shit like that.
So I cut open the box and, after sorting through 56,340 styrofoam packing peanuts, I encounter A LEAF. Then MANY LEAVES. Then a little tree.
Markus got me a bonsai tree. Markus got me a flowering white rose shrub bonsai tree. With little white flowers on it.
No, really, he’s a heterosexual male.
And believe it or not, it’s WAY better than getting a puppy. For one, it does not piddle on the carpet. It does not harass my cats. And it’s lovely. And at some point, I get to PINCH it!
It’s like this whole Karate Kid thing going on at the Weetabix household. And for Christmas, he got me this way cool chinese lantern thing because he likes our black and white tree photos that I’ve got in the living room and he thought it would look cool. And it does.
And now he got me a flowering bonsai tree. I seriously almost teared up. It was just so sweet and thoughtful! Wow. Like it’s the best gift I’ve gotten for my birthday in a long, long time.
So I told him about how I wasn’t sure what he was getting me and told him about the puppy thought.
Right away, Esteban pipes up. He holds his finger up sternly to Markus and says, “You are not to get her a puppy. Understand?”
What the fuck? I am almost thirty years old and my dad Esteban is still declaring what I can and can’t play with.
“I hate dogs. We have cats. Cats are nice. No dogs.” Esteban says, petting Chelsea with finality.
Did you ever see that Christmas movie about the origin of Santa Claus, called “Santa Claus is Coming To Town”? It was sort of that stop/action animation like the “Rudolph” special each year. I think Mickey Rooney voiced Kris Kringle. And there was this guy who ran the little town, named the Burgermeister who declared that all toys would be outlawed after he tripped on a little boy’s toy. And then Kris Kringle came to town with toys and the Burgermeister put him in prison to be sodomized by the Easter Bunny because he refused to be the Tooth Fairy’s bitch. And then he scraped a hole in the wall of the prison and hid the hole behind a poster of Rita Hayworth that Morgan Freeman got him and then the Burgermeister came in and discovered that Kris Kringle had escaped and Morgan Freeman started laughing and the Burgermeister put him in solitary confinement. But the important thing is that Kris Kringle broke out of prison and got to be Santa Claus and make toys.
But anyway, that’s my husband. I’m married to the Burgermeister.
I called him Big Napoleon and he got defensive and I laughed and Markus laughed and then I told the story about when Chelsea pee’d on Esteban on night in bed. And I almost passed out with a laughing high.
My husband the DogNazi aside, it was a super present. I’m getting a bit verklepmt. Seriously folks.
Thanks Markus!
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I was talking about Sleestacks at work today and the chick who was claiming that I was pregnant earlier this week said “What if you were really pregnant with a Sleestack’s child?” and I just sat there in shock.
Shock.
Is there a single thing you can think of worse than that?
Can you imagine, a little sleestack hybrid child running around the playground, chasing after the Normals with his little lobster-like claws, making that “CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” noise?
Eeek.
Dante was right. No matter what you think your personal hell is, it can always get worse.
