Ok, THIS is too funny.
I should not be laughing. The pain and agony of a skanky celebrity’s husband is not funny. We here at Weetabix.diaryland.com do not condone laughing at the suffering and misfortune of the celebrity spouses or hangers on, even when they do something stupid or marry Tom Arnold.
To recap, for those of you too lazy to follow the link I painstakingly made for you above, Sharon “Skank-Crotch” Stone’s husband, Phil Bronstein, decided to go muck around in a Komodo Dragon’s cage. Does the L.A. Zoo normally allow its citizens to accost the Komodo dragons or other lizard population (I mean the lizards in the zoo, not the lizard citizens of Los Angelos)? Probably this is one of those STAR PRIVILEGES that you receive when you are married to a woman who’s camel toe interior was gaped by everyone and their beaver–er, brother.
Now, in case you’ve never encountered a Komodo Dragon, just look at the name. Dragon. This should clue you in. You know those lizard things that stole the chickens on the good Survivor? Komodos make them look like skinks. Komodo dragons, I am certain, were the inspiration for Sleestacks.
Not something a sane person would want to dance with. No cha-chaing with the dragon, please, but could I pet the furry Koala? Maybe stick my hand down the pouch of a Kangaroo?
I can just see this scene, man. Imagine the Dragon Keeper guy. I’m thinking he looks like the Bill Murray character from CaddyShack. Carl. He’s DragonKeeper Carl. And in his spare time, he’s out getting stoned and pissing about how he could have been big time, could have been the Dragon Keeper in the San Diego Zoo, but no, he’s there in L.A. where they only get the animals no longer wanted by stars. And he’s ticked because they have to go and pick up George Clooney’s pig later that afternoon.
So Dragon Keeper Carl gets called in by his boss to let some schmuck go into the Dragon cage. And Carl gets there and who’s standing there but Sharon “Kootchie” Stone and her Bevis-esque husband, Mr. Sharon Stone. And Dragon Keeper Carl has always had these fantasies about Sharon, ever since he saw her all butch in “The Quick and the Dead” (in which she got to kiss a wet Russell Crowe, which probably explains the hostility I feel for her). And her husband is standing there, all decked out like the freaking Crocodile Hunter and his boner is going to get in with the lizards. DragonKeeper Carl’s lizards.
So poor Phil is about to enter the cage and the Dragon Keeper guy (god, this sounds like the plot to Krull, fabulous fantasy movie from the early 80’s starring people who’ve never been heard from again, other than Liam Neeson who had a short lusty role) tells Mr. Sharon Stone to remove his tennis shoes.
“Why?”
“Um,” and Carl looks back at Sharon, who is busily calling her cocaine dealer to make a delivery down by the Primate Habitat. And Carl thinks maybe he can get somewhere with Sharon if Mr. Sharon is out of the way. “Because they might think your foot is a big fluffy white bunny, dude.”
So Mr. Stone goes in and Chomp, there goes his toes. All because Sharon showed off her clam to Michael Doulas and the world.
It’s almost as funny as when Michael Jordon chomped his finger in a cigar cutter. I think maybe he was thinking of new ways to market BallPark frank slicers, honestly.
And these people make Robert Downey, Jr the butt of their jokes. Please.
