Today, I overslept and then tried to write yesterday’s entry but then Esteban required that I stop so we could go wish his parents, Ward and June, a happy Father’s Day. However, we had not had the fore-thought to actually purchase a Father’s Day present, so I sent Esteban off to the Man Mall (aka Sear’s) to purchase a gift certificate and then I went to the Card Store to buy the requisite card to go along with it. Because card stores apparently give men hives.
I don’t really understand the whole “Greeting Card” phenomenon. Does anyone really tear up at a pre-printed card? Does anyone say “Oh, wow, you got me a card with fish on it and you know how much I like to fish! That’s so personal and thoughtful! Aww shucks!”. I don’t think so.
The funniest card I ever got was at our wedding. It was a card made on someone’s computer and it basically said something like “We know you’re only opening this card to see if there’s money in it.”
They knew us that well. Because it was completely true.
Anything that starts out “On your special Day” or “For a wonderful daughter” is just cheese. Do you ever refer to your sister as “Wonderful Sister”? Nope. Thought not. If it was truly personalized, you’d address the card as “Skank Butt” or “Loser” or “Emotionally Distant Biological Father” or something like that. And the inside would say something like “You don’t suck that often, and I’d trade you in for a new digital camera in a heartbeat, but I hope at least you have a good day and please don’t forget to pay me back that $50 you owe me, OK?”
And what’s the deal with them costing $5? A card should cost less than 1/10th the price of the gift. If you can’t find a card for that price, then you used to just be considered a cheap bastard. Now, it’s because the fat cats at Hallmark and American Greetings are mind-fucking us into believing that our lives will not have meaning without their canned sentiment and emotional blackmail.
(Now I’m envisioning the kind of threats I’m going to get from Hallmark on this. The card would have a picture of a noose and maybe a guy’s foot stuck in cement and the inside would read “Thinking of You” or something like that.)
When you care enough to tell someone to rot in hell.
Spent some time with the ‘rentals and picked up the remains of the party paraphenalia. Ward and June cleaned out the wap cooler, which pretty much guarantees them sainthood in my book. I was certain that I had permanently dyed the inside red. Why was the cooler able to get shiny white, yet my hands still have the appearance that I gave the big Kool-Aid pitcher guy a hand job. And have you noticed the fixation I have with sexual encounters fictional product spokesmen? First Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and now Kool-Aid man. I’m not saying anything, but I have a date with the Michelin Man tomorrow. I hear he’s steel-belted. Don’t tell Esteban, ok?
Today, I was the
No. Really.
I traversed nearly the entire county today, bringing people bottles of leftover wap. The garage where we had the party smelled as though the Keebler Elves had been working all night on their illegal distillery. That is, if they said to hell with the whole cookie thing.
And to put me in the Wap Fairy mood, I played my mix cd that I had made for the party. Man. I have some awesome albeit eclectic taste. But I enjoyed it.
Here’s the 2 cd mix, in a random order:
* Sweet Jane (a Lou Reed cover): Cowboy Junkies
* Been Caught Stealing: Jane’s Addiction
* American Music: Violent Fems
* Keep Them Separated: Offspring
* Born to Run: Bruce Springsteen
* Friends in Low Places: Garth Brooks (appeasing the country crowd at the party)
* Wendy (a Beach Boys cover): The Descendants
* Groove is in the Heart: DeeLite
* Rock Lobster: B-52s
* Theme from Shaft: Isaac Hayes
* Lady Marmalade: Labelle(not the Christina ‘More of a Ho than the person I’m singing about’ Aguilera version, either!)
* Boys of Summer: Don Henley
* Margaritaville (live version): Jimmy Buffet
* What I am: Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians
* Do You love Me?: the Contours
* Closer to Fine: the Indigo Girls
* The Old Apartment (live version): Barenaked Ladies
* Ants Marching: Dave Matthews Band
* Happy Boy: Beat Farmers
* A little Respect: Erasure
* She Sells Sanctuary: The Cult
* Rocking the Tardis (Doctor Who megamix)
* Ana Ng: They Might Be Giants
* Can’t Hardly Wait: The Replacements
* Peek A Boo: Siouxsie and the Banshees
* The Oompa Loompa song
* Jay from Mallrats saying “Snootchie Bootches”
Do you know that it is practically impossible to drive the speed limit when listening to Jane’s Addiction? Try it. It’s impossible. I was going 85 mph when I realized it was happening.
The car just loves those crazy dogs barking, I tell you.
I think Jimmy Buffet is reaching retirement age. I noticed that the live version of Margaritaville is slightly different now. Instead of looking for “a shaker of salt”, it’s now “a shaker of Salt Sense” and the “booze in the blender” has been replaced by Metamucil.
Ok, lame joke. I know. But it made me laugh, so there.
At the party yesterday, I was explaining to my friend Erika (who was my best friend in junior high and knows how twisted I am) about the Naked Porn Twin, except I didn’t call her that. I just said “I found a woman on the internet who looks like me, but she’s naked.”
Erika raised one eyebrow and said “Identical Hand Twin?”
Exactly. Exactly!
By the way, Erika just got a mention here and that’s pretty cool!
The party menu comprised of brats, hamburgers, cake, chips, and booyah. If you do not know what booyah is, here goes:
First you lead several chickens to a vat of boiling water and then get them to jump in. Then you bring over several cows and try to get them to jump in the pot too. As cows are somewhat smarter than chickens, you’ll probably only get one cow or maybe just it’s tail. Then you lead a bunch of vegetables to the pot and put them in as well. As vegetables are only slightly dumber than the chickens, this shouldn’t be too terribly hard. Then you boil them until nothing is discernable from anything else. Enjoy.
