This morning I woke up and found a huge pile of cat yak right in the middle of the hallway intersection between the kitchen and the living room.
That never bodes well.
I suppose that I should be happy that whichever cat it was (and I suspect our bulemic cat Tilly) had the courtesy of NOT yakking in our bedroom whilst we slept.
There is simply nothing more soothing that the sounds of ‘Kech Kech Kech Kech Glurp’ while you’re trying to sleep. And then all you can do is lie there in the dark, thinking ‘Oh god, not the white pants’ because you were lazy and just left your white pants lying on the floor. And then you remember that your shoes are there and she’s puked inside your shoes before too. And then you do the math: the bedroom is 22×12, and therefore 264 square feet. The pants maybe are a foot of that and the shoes occupy another foot. Therefore 2 square feet of space. Furniture in the room occupies probably another 150 square feet. Thus she’s got 112 square feet to hit that is just carpet. Which means that there is a 97.3% likelihood that she did NOT puke on your white pants nor your shoes. Factor in the Murphy’s Probability of Disgusting Acts and that brings the likelihood to 60%.
See, math can be useful in your life, kids. Now go study algebra and stop surfing the internet.
But even if she doesn’t hit a target, you know that now you are awake and your bladder is saying ‘Hola Chica, soy tan muy lleno.’ Because your bladder is taking Spanish lessons and likes to show off. Thus you start thinking about getting up to go to the bathroom. But that means traversing what is now a minefield and your feet are bare. There is nothing more disgusting that plopping your foot down into a body temperature pile of cat yak. You might as well just stay up at that point.
One of my $7 t-shirts had two spots on it when I took the tags off. Can you believe this? But then, I suppose I shouldn’t have gloated so much about getting such excellent merchandise at low, low prices.
I went to another one of the retailers out in the suburbs. A veritable wealth of my size $7 t-shirts, including many many purple ones. I bought three more.
$7 t-shirt count: 9
It’s a sickness I tell you.
I’m on vacation today and tomorrow, and of course, off on the 4th. Esteban and I plan to clean our house today. Hopefully, he will not slice off another body part and all will be sparkly and clean at Chez Weetabix.
Well, here’s hoping anyway.
He must also cut the lawn, as not only are neighbors losing their toddlers in our lawn, but school age children as well. At night, we can hear muffled cries coming from the front yard. It can be a little spooky.
My mom came over and put more flowers in my big bare urn in the front yard. She kept looking uneasily at the grass, saying ‘Do you hear something?’ It was really hard to keep lying to her and say ‘No, nothing. That’s crickets.’
She put the most lovely pink geraniums in. Gosh, that makes me want to have more and more purty garden stuff around our house!!! In a fit of motivation, I drove to my favorite garden store and walked around. Those spiral tree things cost $169!!!! Cross those off the list! I’ll just attack a normal bush with a corkscrew. I found the tree I want in the front ‘to be landscaped’ area. It only grows 8 feet high’. A Chinese Willow or Myrtle or something. It’s curvy and drapey and looks neato.
The owner approached me as I was eyeing it up. ‘Is there anything that I can help you with, Ma’am?’ I wanted to say ‘Don’t ‘Ma’am’ me, Mister! I look young enough to get carded TWICE!’ but of course, I didn’t. I told him I was considering the Chinese tree and then he started raving about it, about how this is the perfect time to plant, etc. Fine, but what I really need is someone to a) call Digger’s Hotline and make sure that there are no power lines where I want the tree b)dig a tree-sized hole in that spot c) take the tree out of the pot thing and put it in the hole d)fill the hole back up. And maybe wrap that stuff around the bottom so that the bunnies don’t eat the bark during the winter. Is that so much to ask? Anyone?
Ok, in recent days, people have Googled this page off the phrases ‘granddaughter fucking’ ‘austrailian fucking’ ‘boobs in hand’ and strangely enough ‘cat water fountain’. And they’re not hitting it off that test porn entry I wrote awhile back. It’s just my general potty mouth. I should really clean that up.
I’ll fucking look in to that.
Have you Seen These?
2001-07-02 If you’re gonna spew, spew into this.
2001-07-01 Huzzah! Lady Weetabix approaches on her trusted steed, Vomitorium!
2001-06-29 Journey to the center of Mulletdom
2001-06-28 Is you is or is you ain’t my Savior?
2001-06-27 Mattel introduces Slutty ‘Ho Barbie!
2001-06-26 More Fart humor at Casa Weetabix
2001-06-26 Poet-Collab: Tea Poem
