My mom’s dog Nana went slumming. That’s right, little miss Purebred Chocolate Lab (who looked more like a ‘Coon Dog to me, actually, but I never really had the heart to tell my mother this, who was very proud about saying in a psuedo-snobby voice ‘She’s a chocolate lab’ as if the dog were some kind of Easter snack, meant to be eaten ears first) stuck her rear end up for that rogue Husky down the street. There she was, wagging her tail for the first shaggy canine to come along. My mother caught them going at it in the backyard and Nana looked very ashamed.
And then she was a chocolate lab in trouble.
And did the husky come around to visit? Did he rub her feet and fetch her Beggin Strips or root through the crazy-lady-up-the-street’s garbage? Did he say ‘Yes dear’ when Nana would go off on a tirade about how they pre-empted her ‘stories’ for Wimbledon?
He did not.
Nana got huge. She could barely make it up the two steps from the patio to the doors. She needed to winky every half hour. She was always hot. The jowel area under her chin swelled up and didn’t sway to and fro, but rather hung there, turgid, like a large goiter on a man named Cletus. I think she might have been storing an additional puppy there.
She actually escaped Mom’s fenced back yard a week ago. I think she was going looking for the husky who put her in the family way. I think she wanted to go and show up on the corner, where he hung out with all his rogue friends, the bulldog named Scooter who bites kids and the border collie who gets startled by the slamming of screen doors. I think she wanted to show up there and embarrass him. The Humane Society picked her up and yelled at my mom for not having her spayed. They could have saved their breath, since I had already gone down that route.
All my mom could say was ‘I certainly hope they don’t all have curly tails. That will be the saddest thing’ a lab with a curly tail.’. I don’t think they’ll be labs, Ma, I think they’ll be Habs or maybe Hubskys. Not chocolate labs with floppy neck skin and a propensity to chew on dirty underwear like your sweet Nana. And might I add that this is some strange kind of behavior coming from my mother. I swear, she’s more concerned with who the DOG was getting screwed by than she was when I was a teenager and going out with boys. When I was seventeen, I was dating a man considerably older than myself. She actually told him that it was ok with her that he was sleeping with me (we weren’t, but it wasn’t for lack of permission). Maybe if the possibility of curly-tailed grandchildren had occurred to her, she might have offered more resistance.
So anyway, Nana started giving birth last night. 18 hours later, and she’s had three puppies which are doing fine. My mom was up with Nana until the wee hours of the morning. More puppies may be eminent, Mom’s not sure. There’s no status yet as to tail-curlage, but I’m certain that a full report will be forthcoming.
I’m really hoping I can garner this into getting a little Chocomute Labsky of my very own. Don’t tell Esteban.
Today, I actually made it out to the strawberry fields. They’re done now. It’s blueberry time now, so I purchased five pounds of blueberries instead. The thrill just isn’t the same. Oh, and some old guy wearing Polo fucking ankle socks sneered at me as I got into my car, because when I turned the key, the B-52’s were playing very LOUDLY. And apparently it offended his tender Armani-stuffed asshole or something. I lifted up my shirt and did a strange tribal chant until he hopped into his Lexus SUV and drove off.
All this for blueberries. If it were strawberries, it would have been worth it.
Then I went and rented several DVD’s, including the stupid recent release by Ashton Kusher, who is very beautiful and has thighs like a middling pony. Even his good D.N.A. could not save that movie. I felt my brain dripping out my ears about 20 minutes into it. I’m not certain why they bothered to put that on DVD. That type of movie does not exactly benefit from the wide screen status nor the enhanced digital picture and sound. It’s like having a Motley Crue CD. Why? What subtle nuances would you miss on a tape?
I also rented ‘All the Pretty Horses’, which was a snore. Matt Damon’s cheek bones cannot carry a movie, but they sure gave him a set of striking blue contact lenses. I made dinner throughout that movie. Actually, Esteban and I tag-watched. I started watching it, then Esteban walked in and I filled him in ‘Matt Damon and E.T. boy ran away to Mexico’ that kid from American Gothic is following them.’ Then I went out to light the grill, take out several bags of trash and water plants. I came back into the house. Esteban relays ‘Matt and E.T. boy helped American Gothic kid steal his horse back after he lost it.’ Then Esteban went next door to fix the neighbor’s computer. He came back ‘Matt Damon is in love with the rich Penelope Cruz.’ I started making our steamed garlic/dill potatoes and Esteban did the color commentary from the living room ‘They’re making googly eyes at each other. There’s lots of horses. There’s a Mexican who doesn’t talk. He’s looking at Matt Damon. He’s not saying anything. We’re apparently not supposed to trust him.’ At one point, neither of us were watching and the plot didn’t suffer. Suddenly, they were in prison and there was knife fights and lots of butt pumping and bitch slapping. Then they were strip searched and forced to watch ‘From Dusk Til Dawn’ for 48 hours straight and if they didn’t comply, Charo would stand above them and shout ‘Hootchie Cootchie!’ at the top of her lungs while shaking her hip-huggers madly.
Or at least that’s what Esteban said was going on. It didn’t really fit the whole mood of the pic thus far, but who am I to question?
Now I’m off to deliver some blueberries to my mother and take a gander at the puppies.
Edited to add: wow, that was my 100th entry. Hua!
Have you seen these?
Charo and the horny little bitch
The quest for poop
Lazy days and Sundays always make me sleepy
Will taking amoxicillin get rid of my clematis?
It’s not over until your brother counts the votes
Feral Girl raised by wolves desires Rouge Pulp lipstick and some hair gel
Nothing but a gimmick, baby, just a gimmick
Magic 8 Ball says: It is unclear
