You know that lawn that Esteban has neglected to mow? Well, we haven’t had rain in several weeks and now all the nice and neatly cut lawns are brown and crispy! Ours? Green and waving in the sweltering heat. Laziness comes out ahead!!!! Apparently, the longer grass allows it to retain more moisture so it doesn’t cook like George Hamilton in a three-piece tinfoil suit.
Just a little extra knowledge from your friend Weetabix.
Oh, and apparently, my Hamburglery at the ‘rentals house has worked. When we were over there on Father’s Day, I mentioned that I thought that they should get a pool. Immediately, they knocked that right down with various excuses. “You can only swim in Wisconsin three months of the year.” “You have to clean it every day or you burn your eyes out.” “If we had grandchildren to play with, then we would but instead we’ll just sit here and stew in our own sweat to make you suffer for not reproducing. Feel happy?”
Anyway, when we stopped over there this morning, June informed me that she and Ward had been pool shopping because the more they thought about my words, the more they wanted a pool.
BWAHAHAHAHHA!
Do not try to resist my powers of persuasion! I cannot be stopped.
Oh, and I also convinced Esteban to return the rented DVD’s today.
I fucking rock.
I think I’m going to head over to the tree store and try to convince them that they really want to come over to my house, dig a hole and plant the tree that I want to buy. And for this, I will give them tasty lemonade.
I think it will fly.
I think Bridget Fonda has been reading this thing.
First she does a movie where her love interest was Russell Crowe. Then, she was the big love interest in “Monkeybone”, which stars the very hot Brendan Fraser.
Two of the three men who remain on my fucking List. She’s chewed on Russell’s lips and now Brendan’s lips. Hey, those should be MY lips to chew on. Wait, that didn’t sound right. I don’t want Bridget Fonda to chew on my lips, I want her to take her filthy Fonda lips off those of my Listees.
If she goes after Sting next, I’m taking that bitch out. I’m serious. We’re going to have a little chat out back. Just her, me and the fists of death. I’ll snap her scrawny little ass like the fucking plank of over-bleached kelp-eating cartilage that it is. Jennifer Jason Lee has NOTHING on a pissed-off Weetabix.
Nothing.
Spectators will be welcome, of course. I like to work for a crowd. And then at one point, I might step on her neck and yell “Am I not merciful???” as an homage to Russell. And then maybe I’ll do the “George of the Jungle” yell, or perhaps I’ll just be attired in a cute little loincloth, as a shout-out to Brendan.
God, that pisses me off.
I know. You don’t have to remind me that I’m taking this List thing way too far. I’m just being protective. Plus, I don’t think Bridget Fonda’s all that cute. She’s only in acting because of her family. Anyone who starred in “Lake Placid” should not think too highly of themselves.
Ok, well, Bill Pullman can, but he’s cute and he was sexy as the President in “Independence Day”, especially when he quoted the “St. Crispin’s Day” speech before they blew up the aliens.
I hope I didn’t spoil “Independence Day” for anyone there. But then, you knew that they were going to kill the aliens, right? You didn’t really think that the writers would try to convince us that everyone got blown to bits, including the President’s daughter, Will Smith and the dog too?
Come on. Seriously. They don’t kill Will Smith. They might kill Harry Connick Jr. but never the snappy black Astronaut wannabe with the stripper girlfriend who has a heart of gold?
Well, off to water my crispy potted plants in the Sahara Desert, I mean, front yard. Have a super Sunday.
