Now a bit of disturbing news from the family that puts the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’: My Mafia Grandma’s Betty is in the hospital. Perhaps I should explain. My Mafia Grandma couldn’t stand working for the MAN anymore, so she became her own boss. She had a lot of experience working in group homes, so she began running a private home for mentally retarded (as it was called then, and also in our home as a “matter of fact” term) senior citizens the year I was born. She started out with two ladies (because she didn’t want to deal with giving baths to old men) named Betty and Charlotte. Charlotte died (actually, she was just old, not mentally impaired, but my Grandma would take people who were wards of the state) and then a progression of replacement Charlottes filled her spot. Betty was a constant though. I think I get my appreciation of fine fart humor from Betty, as she very much enjoys farts and farting in general. Her favorite trick is to walk up the stairs, farting on each step and then laughing. That’s not an easy trick. You should try that some time.
Growing up, I thought that EVERYONE had a Grandma who stayed at home. I thought EVERYONE had some strange older ladies living with their grandparents. Betty was great fun when I was a child because I’d crawl up onto her lap and we’d sing songs and she’d tell stories of living in the state mental institutions (which I think is where I developed my love of gothic horror as well) or I’d bait her by getting her to pronounce words such as ‘helicopter’ which she would in turn pronounce ‘Hell of a Copter’ and I would dissolve into peals of laughter.
When my Great Grandmother developed Alzheimer’s disease, my M.G. semi-retired so that she could care for her mother as well as Betty. Then some laws changed and the state wanted all of its wards in state facilities, so my Aunt ‘adopted’ Betty so that she could stay in our family. All of Betty’s family is dead, although they claimed no responsibility for her so that they wouldn’t be held financially responsible for her care. My M.G. continues to send Betty cards from ‘her sister’ so that Betty doesn’t get upset (she now gets more contact from ‘her sister’ now than when she did while her sister was alive). Betty’s now 82 years old and just as likely to tell you to ‘Go to Hell’ or call you an ‘asshole’ as she was thirty years ago. And now she’s in the hospital and declining.
Truthfully, my sister and I have been expecting this for a while. The thing that upsets me is that she’s been in the hospital for five days and no one even told us. I already know what my M.G. would say, ‘I expected you to call me.’ Yeah, like I call for a freaking health report every three days? Nothing like a little resentment and distrust to go with your compassion, huh?
Yesterday I made a ‘dorky’ crack at people who play D&D, which includes my husband. Honestly, people, Esteban will be the first person to admit that he’s a geek. One of his friends actually has his email ending with ‘@geek.com’. They’re ok with it. Honestly. And I often tell folks that Esteban married me to improve his coolness factor. Sure, it downgraded my own coolness factor, being married to a geek, but hey, he’s a geek with an 8-inch schlong, so I’m pretty ok with that.
And if the only thing that makes you geeky is playing role-playing games, then fine. It’s ok. Everyone has at least three hidden geeky traits that they don’t like the rest of the world to know. Once you start to exceed that Three Traits of Geekdom, though, now you’re approaching Geek status. If you’ve maxxed with 12 traits, then you’re approaching the Dork level.
Traits of GeekDom:
Can quote original Star Trek episodes
Knows the difference between Dungeons & Dragons and ADVANCED Dungeons & Dragons
Wears only one type of shoe’. Very dirty Nikes or some other athletic type shoe.
Can name all of the Xanth books’ in the ORDER that they were written
Fifth Food group is Mountain Dew
Is Pissed that Babylon Five is off the air
Actually counted the shots in Terminator when Arnold is going into the police station killing all the cops to get Linda Hamilton
Backseat of car is a virtual shrine of fast food litter
Doesn’t quite have the ‘personal space’ issue down
Has strange facial hair’ and by strange, I mean that Amish men are complimenting you on your beard’ even if you’re a woman.
Makes computer or html jokes and thinks they’re funny
Has a collection of action figures of your favorite TV series
On computer an average of 8 hours a day (not including working hours)
Quotes Monty Python movies (Thanks Uncle Bob!)
Checks their Diaryland statistics more than twice a day (um, yeah, well, stop looking at me, ok?)
Has ever uttered the phrase ‘He’s dead, Jim’ and expected to get a laugh
Lusts after Lara Croft’ before she was played by Angelina Jolie
Ever rushed out to the store to buy the latest copy of Diablo
Waited in line overnight for tickets to ‘Phantom Menace’ and is bitterly hating Jar Jar Binks
Lives with a married woman’ Mom.
Drives a piece of crap car, but the computer cost more than $5000.
Tells nephew and niece ‘When I was your age, I only had a 2400 baud modem and a 40 meg hard drive and I LIKED IT!’
You are Anthony Edwards
Has a program created on your computer counting down to the date when High Speed DSL will be available in your area
Knows Pi to more than the fourth decimal place.
I’ve got a few of these. I definitely do the web page statistics thing. I have also made html jokes. I also start to tremble if we are away from home and it is nearing the ‘Buffy’ hour. And I read the National Enquirer sometimes’ it’s junk food for the mind. So all I’m saying is that if everyone owned up to their geeky qualities, maybe the world would be a better place and maybe people like Tom Cruise or Chuck Woolery would get off their high horses and let up on the rest of us, ok?
