I’m thinking about not drinking Diet Coke anymore. It can’t be terribly good for you. Also, I learned that soda manufacturers wrongly list that diet soda with Nutrasweet contains zero calories. C’mon people. Remember back when Paula Abdul used to sing ‘Just 1 calorie! Diet Coke!’. Look at a Diet Coke label today and you’ll see that the 1 calorie has disappeared. Nutrasweet DOES have calories but the soda manufacturers have found that people don’t want to drink soda that tastes like battery acid if it has 60 calories in it, but they’ll drink it if it has negligible calories in it. The FDA routinely fines them hundreds of thousands of dollars for falsely labeling the nutritional information (that pesky law about ‘truth in advertising’ that the tobacco manufacturers stretch to the limit as well) but they’ve found that the increase in soda sales exceeds the amounts of the fines and thus they are still profitable.
Also, here’s the nutritional content of my Diet Coke: Carbonated Water, Carmel Color, Aspartame, Phosporic Acid, Potassium Benzoate (To Protect Taste), Natural Flavors, Citric Acid, Caffeine.
Breaking that down: where the hell does ‘Carmel Color’ come from? From the Carmel plant? Natural Flavors? Hog sweat is natural. Toe Jam is natural. I grew up with hippy parents, people, and I can tell you that nothing that ever came from the Natural Foods Co-op EVER tasted like fucking Diet Coke. Also, what’s the deal with the ‘To Protect Taste’ crap? If that taste is protected, I’m not sure that I could stand the unprotected taste. And what exactly are they protecting it from?
And yet I drink the stuff with relish. I get all trembly if I don’t have my 32 oz fix every damn morning. I’m Coca-Cola’s bitch’I’d be willing to suck down antifreeze if they packaged it with caffeine in chilled effervescent goodness.
Last night, I purchased a tub surround for our bathroom with Ward and June. Dad is so funny. He makes me laugh all the time. They invited me for dinner too, so I stayed and ate with them. The payment for this was only sitting and listening to a ‘You should have children’ lecture, which wasn’t so bad. I’m remarkably used to this now. My eyes glaze over and I just sit there and nod and say automatically ‘We’ll see’. We’ll see’ We’re not ready for that yet.’
They’re both on a Carb-restricted diet. I don’t know if they’ve lost any weight on it. My friend Mary Kaye has lost oodles of weight, though. I’d think about doing it, simply because I’d like to be quicker on the volleyball court, a little smoother in the hips. By no means do I want to be a 140 lb thing. I just want to be the way I was when I was 20 years old, still a plus size girl, but a little less like the Goddess of Willendorf. Not that there’s anything wrong with looking like the Goddess of Willendorf. She is a goddess, after all. And she’s got quite a rack on her. I just want to look more like my Porn Twin, but sans slutty Porn Twin makeup and big 1992 hair.
The thing about the Carb-restricted diet is that the list of illegal foods reads like the list of Top Ten Foods Weetabix Lives On. Cereal, fruit, bread, pasta, potatos, soda, tomatos, peas, bananas. The only thing I like on the ‘stuff you can eat’ list is bacon, and my affinity for bacon is tenuous at best. I like it about once a week, but I don’t know if I can eat more than that.
Also, I don’t know if peanut butter is allowed, but if that is, then I like two items on the list. And what the hell do you actually EAT the peanut butter on if you can’t eat any bread things? Do I make a sandwich by slathering strips of bacon with peanut butter? I think Elvis did that and he wasn’t exactly triathalon material. Also, it is a minor felony to eat peanut butter without bananas or jelly, both of which are on the “illegal carbs” list.
I’m allergic to milk, so that cuts out butter, cream and cheese. I’m mildly allergic to most whole nuts, so that cuts out all of the seed eating. You can’t eat any fruits, nor can you eat the only vegetables that I like. I just don’t think it’s realistic for me to attempt it. I think that the real motivation behind the Scarsdale murder was because that guy wouldn’t let her eat a Pillsbury Grands biscuit with honey.
To punish my reluctance to become a disciple of Dr. Atkins, June then began telling me about the places that Ward got hives from eating gluten. I tried to stop her, but my ears had already begun to bleed. They are so much like my parents that it puts me into physical shock when they talk about anything groiny. I want to believe they are Ken and Barbie dolls, with hard nubs of detailless plastic where their reproductive organs should be. Then she chastised me for being afraid of bats flying out of the gaping hole in the bathroom. Don’t you just love parents?
Have you read these?
How ’bout if I just cut back on onions, olives and liver instead?
Prithee, fine squire, shut the hell up?
Sort of like “A Star is Born”, but with Dirk Diggler
Now with 45% more RIBOFLAVIN!!!
Convenient Feminism: the religion of the Gen X woman
Singing about Girl on Girl action!
