Ok, this begins Day One of the Decaffeinated Weetabix.
My blood has the viscosity of slightly overcooked oatmeal.
My head is filled with lovely bunches of cotton
It is 10:30 a.m.
I’ve decided that I’m going to, for the most part, pretend that I’m a vegetarian. When I was a vegetarian, I ate rather healthy and enjoyed it. Now, meat doesn’t disgust me at this point in my life, so I’m not going to make Esteban’s life hell again by refraining from meat products. Poor man. He suffered silently and was always so respectful of my vegetarian status. He didn’t call me a hypocrite when I returned back to eating meat. Really, I didn’t stop eating meat because of any cruelty issues or moral indignance. Rather, I simply gradually grew disgusted by meat’ first ground beef, then any red meat, then chicken. At that point, I was sick of saying ‘Well, I only eat fish’ and truthfully, fish kind of disgusted me too (the skin, oh god, if there is skin on fish I can’t even look at it!), so I became a full-fledged vegetarian (although, I did meat by-products, like milk, eggs and butter because it didn’t disgust me). When meat started looking good again, I started eating it (in reverse order’ first my ability to swallow fish came back, then boneless chicken breasts, then any kind of chicken, then steak, then after a year I could eat hamburger again as well). But Esteban had a hard time with my dalliance into the herbivore life. And truthfully, meat doesn’t disgust me at this point, so I’m not going to abstain from meat entirely, just lean more toward the types of meals I ate when I was a vegetarian.
This morning, instead of my normal McDonald’s 32 oz Diet Liquid Sex, er Coke, I had a freshly squeezed glass of orange/strawberry juice. Instead of an Egg McMuffin, I had a whole wheat bagel with hummus and cucumber on it and crunching blue corn chips. For dinner, I’m planning on making grilled chicken breasts and veggies with rice tonight for dinner. I’m endeavoring to eat my five or more fruits and vegetables a day and only drink liquids that are of the replenishing sort’juices, waters and herbal teas.
I may need to prop up my eyelids with pens by noon.
I think I’m going to keep updating this entry as the day progresses. Stay tuned.
11:02 am. That hummus did NOT do anything for me whatsoever. My spring water’s almost gone. I’m getting foggy.
11:20 amWhat made me think I could quit caffeine and also eat healthy crap all in the same day? My head is so heavy. Sooooo heavy. I want to curl up under my desk and rest my head on my footrest, which looks so inviting down there. It’s beckoning to me. Must…. resist….must….resist!
12:08 p.m. I think I’m getting my second wind. Ok, it’s not so much a wind, but a gentle breeze. Or maybe a fart, but at least it’s something. In response to KathMcall’s guestbook entry: Oh I have plenty of vices! While none of the one’s you suggested apply, I have many other devious little habits. It is physically impossible for me to go through a grocery store checkout without thinking about purchasing a National Enquirer (junk food for the mind, you know). I bite my nails. I don’t balance my checkbook. I tend to whine sometimes. And I’m sometimes a mean person. While these are sometimes excusable (well, not the being mean to people thing), also being a caffeine junkie, in my opinion, is not. I detest the idea that I am addicted to something. I dislike feeling powerless over my own self. I’m already powerless over my nailbiting (sometimes doing it in my sleep) and so many other issues that I just can’t stand the idea that there is something that I can control if I put my mind to it. And as Throcky wrote in a thoughtful caring email to me this morning, (paraphrased) drinking so much Diet Coke is like applying cancer directly to your bladder. Which is something to give one pause, wouldn’t you think. But I really appreciate your validation of my pathetic need for caffeine. I thought about it. I really did. But I am steeling myself against my weaknesses. (cue “Patton” soundtrack… fade to waving American flag in the background)
1:22 P.M. You know what’s a good substitute for caffeine? Sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. I got a big Dairy Queen slush for lunch and now I’m just a sippin’ away. Stop looking at me like that. It doesn’t have any caffeine. Ok, sure, it may be not exactly the “replenishing liquid” I talked about above, but it’s not Diet Coke, now is it? Plus, they make the slush with apple juice. Seriously. I read that somewhere. slurp slurp slurp
3:32 p.m. Kudos to Kath who is volunteering to take my caffeine for me. Such a brave girl. However, thinking of her buzzing around like a big Diet Coke fiend is a little funny. She’s such a sweetheart. Actually, I feel that way about all of my readers. I love you guys. They said that withdrawl makes you lose your edge. Hmmmm. Esteban has sent me a bouquet of a dozen red roses and purplish something flowers. What a sweetheart. I may eat them by the end of the day. The sugar buzz is gone. My neck does not feel strong enough to support my bulbous head. Why did I need to have such a large head? Second thingy of Aquafina. My boss went out and purchased Wendy’s Frosties for us. I chugged that thing like a decathalon runner. One hell of a brain freeze, but I got a nice little buzz from the itty bitty bit of caffeine in it. I’m truly pathetic.
5:29 p.m. I’m home now. I’m not certain exactly how I made it home, given that I was practically falling asleep at the wheel. I missed my exit and had to drive to the next one.
I’m a menace to society without caffeine, I tell you.To respond to Trouble‘s guestbook entry, I can’t deal with coffee, caffeinated or otherwise. ‘Round about January 4th, when the temperature hits negative twenty, I can tolerate a 50-50 mixture of hot chocolate and french vanilla cappucino, but that’s about it. I’m also drooling thinking about Jen’s Dr. Pepper. At this rate, I will likely be in bed by 6:45 p.m. Still on for the grilled chicken dinner, but I have no energy to actually make this dinner, so Esteban and I are going out for it.
8:19 p.m. Well, I made it. We went out to dinner and they even had free soda and I still had water (cue John Phillips Sousa march crescendo, filter camera with hazy fog of victory). Can you believe it? I know. Wow. I’m certain that I will sleep very well tonight, despite the fact that it is rougly the temperature of the surface of the fucking sun in our bedroom.
God, tomorrow, I’ll have to get up and do this again. I don’t know if I can handle it.Oh, and thanks to all of the fabulous well-wishers in the guestbook! I love you guys! I love Tuesdays.
Have you read these?
Do they make caffeinated air???
How ’bout if I just cut back on onions, olives and liver instead?
Prithee, fine squire, shut the hell up?
Sort of like “A Star is Born”, but with Dirk Diggler
Now with 45% more RIBOFLAVIN!!!
Convenient Feminism: the religion of the Gen X woman
Singing about Girl on Girl action!
