I went to the dentist yesterday’. Actually, not my dentist as he is on vacation, one of his Dr. John clones. I had never seen this one before. I was lying in the chair with my little paper drool bib on when she came up behind me and introduced herself. I turned my head to look at her and’oh my god’she was twelve years old. Seriously. She looked like a Girl Scout.
The whole thing was weird. Of course, they took x-rays. They always take the damn x-rays. They always tell me that we haven’t taken damn x-rays for a year, but I just know that they took them last time. It’s this whole x-ray scam they’ve got going, I’m certain. I think they just like to stick those horrible little cardboard torture devices in your mouth.
For some reason, Dr. Puberty likes to do the cleaning herself. Apparently, the girl just likes to get her hands full of tartar. Not that I’m a big tartar mouth or anything. I actually have pretty decent teeth. Dr. John always tells me that if everyone had teeth like me, he’d have gone into law with his father. That’s his wacky bordering on geeky sense of humor.
Also, normally, I don’t have the scraping thing done. I have this ultra sonic thing that kind of blasts off the tartar with sound. That’s probably why my teeth are in such good shape’. I listened to some pretty loud music as a teenager. The ultra sonic cleansing means no scary metal hook and it also goes much faster than a normal cleaning. About five to ten minutes with the Master Blaster and then we’re off to the polishing stage. But apparently, Dr. Puberty doesn’t use that thing or maybe one must be eighteen before they are allowed to use it. Instead, she scraped and scraped away for possibly four hours. At one point, her hand slipped and that freaky metal hook thing went flying into my cheek. I wanted to point out that never once in my life had a sound wave ever made me tremble in fear of a possible hole in my cheek, but she had four fingers, a mirror, a suction tube and her elbow in my mouth, so instead it came out ‘Mfffph mulled mullet moped!’ On the plus side, I’m very hip with my new piercing.
Finally, she finished and allowed an assistant to do the polishing. Then she lectured me on not flossing behind my retainer, told me I have two cavities (WHAT??), and tried to sell me some cookies for a fundraiser. Apparently, her little Future Dentist Society is trying to earn enough money for a field trip to clean the teeth on Mount Rushmore. I hope she uses more care on George’s teeth than on mine.
At one point, she quizzed me on the proper method of flossing and then handed me a mirror. Is it just me or does everyone else look like the bearded lady at the dentist? That light opens every pore on my face, you can see pimples I had no idea I had and also pimples weeks yet to come’. My skin looks like a topical relief map of the Andes Mountains, complete with cannibalistic soccer team. Also, apparently, I am one hirsute woman. I mean, I knew that my eyebrows get a little out of hand, but I did not realize that I was sporting what appeared to be, under that dentist’s light, a full beard and mustache to rival the that of the members of ZZTop.
When I was making the appointment to have my two (WTF? TWO????) cavities filled by Dr. John, thank you very much, I peeked at my chart. I have been visiting Dr. John since November 24, 1982. Nineteen years.
I quizzed the receptionist about what my 20-year anniversary gift would be’ perhaps a diamond encrusted tooth broach? A free tooth whitening service? Maybe a little license plate cover, bordered with gleaming white teeth, similar to the ones they give the people who give blood. It was for not. Apparently, they don’t give Frequent Flosser Miles or anything.
When I fled to my car, I had lost my Chia-Face and was back to semi-normal.
Note to self: pluck every damn hair from face before going back to the dentist.
This morning, as I was blow-drying my hair, I saw something out of the corner of my eye
sort of fall off my head’ and dangle there! I backed away and found that it was a two-inch long spider, dangling three centimeters away from my face.
I shot a bunch of hot air at it with my blow dryer. I don’t think I killed it’ it’s merely well-coiffed and fluffy now.
Mornings where the first words out of your mouth are ‘GAAAAHHHHH!!!’ never bode well.
