Oh man.
Sometimes I really stick my foot in my mouth. Things that sound so much better in my head pop right out of my mouth (or sometimes, through my fingers into the keyboard) before I can stop myself.
Today I really embarrassed myself. I normally say a lot of off the wall things to people’ I like to believe it’s part of my charm, but sometimes I just revert back to being 13 years old and wanting to curl up and die.
So, without going into too many details, I said something to a very cool guy to make him feel better about himself and he obviously got very uncomfortable, changed the subject and then minutes later, made an excuse to end the convo because he had places to go, things to do, and needed to purge the inappropriateness of my comment from him by dousing himself in gasoline and lighting himself in a purifying fire.
It’s times like this that I think very highly of stapling my mouth shut. Or maybe go all punk and pierce my lips together with attractive stainless steel barbells. Then I would be forced to live on Ice-Es from the Kmart Lunch Counter and my lips would always be stained an attractive cherry red.
Once, I had the great misfortune of eating lunch across from the company V-P, my boss and my boss’s boss. We were talking about cats and the Veep said that all of his cats line up and watch him take a shower.
Wanting to further my reputation as Witty Banterista, I formulated a clever comment in my brain.
‘They’re probably wondering ‘Why isn’t he licking himself?&AO8AvwC9AO8AvwC9-
Because, you know, that’s how cats shower. They lick themselves. Get it? Innocent and cute. Not meant to be all dirty and black socks-wearing, heavy bass sounding Wakka Chicka Wakka Chicka, ‘ooh you want it you know you want it’ brown paper bag PORNO!!!
Once it came out of my mouth however, it was obvious to myself as well as everyone within earshot that I had conjured for everyone the most inappropriate image of the Vice President engaged in bathing himself with his tongue whilst his voyeuristic felines watched.
Everyone burst into laughter. I immediately turned seven shades of violet. In fact, one might even be able to point to this episode as the cause of my rosacea.
My first experience with “Foot In Mouth” syndrome happened when I was five years old. My wicked stepfather had a friend from work stop over. He was a fun guy, played with me a lot, did some magic tricks for me, listened to my jokes. His name was Mitch.
Only I didn’t hear Mitch.
I heard “Bitch”.
The entire time he was over, I didn’t want to say his name. I just kept calling him ‘Funny Man’… because I was much better at subtle fakery when I was five years old. Plus, I wasn’t sure I had heard correct. His name was Bitch? But again, I thought I heard them call him Bitch. Maybe because he was an adult, he could get away with having a swear word for a first name?
When he finally left, I was relieved in that I didn’t have to avoid using his name.
“Boy, that Bitch sure is a nice guy!” I exclaimed happily.
The silence that passed through the room was deafening. All eyes turned to me. It was then that I understood the desire to want the earth to open up and swallow oneself.
So now, this new episode, which I shant divulge details but suffice to say obviously made all parties involved uncomfortable, is right up there on Weetabix’s Trauma Center and forced me to go and get a Frappuchino and three sour dough mini batards with which to carbo binge. At least I didn’t order Sour Dough Bastards, like I thought about doing. Plus, instead of making the very cool guy feel good about himself, I think now he might think I was coming on to him. Because I’m married and all that. And that would be wrong. As wrong as insinuating that a multi-millionaire Vice President indulges in a little tongue shower and making people wonder if he gets pubic hairballs. Because THAT would be beyond wrong.
(sigh)
I now have “I Wanna Fly” by Sugar Ray stuck in my head but I do not struggle to replace it with, say, a little MoJo Nixon or perhaps Tom Waits or even the Lady Bug Picnic song… no… I’m taking it on as a pennance for my actions. Let that be a lesson to me.
I added a new favorite to my list’ Dancingbrave. She shares my addiction to Diet Coke, Buffy, and MightyBigTv. I lurve her.
From Today’s Green Bay Press Gazette:
Packers need plan to avoid toilet crisis
An increase in the number of toilets at a renovated Lambeau Field means that come halftime, there’s going to be a whole lot of flushin’ going on.
Need I even tell you that it is the front-page top story for today?
With all that beer and cheese consumption, you don’t mess with the plumbing.
