Weetabix: Where do you want to go for breakfast.
Esteban: I don’t care. Pick.
Weetabix: I just don’t want to go where I know we’re going to end up going, which is Ponderosa. I have an urge to squeegee the grease off me when we leave that place.
Esteban:We ain’t going to Ponderosa.
Weetabix:Oh, ain’t we?
Esteban:What?
Weetabix:Don’t speak like that, you sound ignorant.
Esteban:I’m a country boy.
Weetabix:I’m from the wrong side of the tracks, but I don’t use improper grammar.
Esteban:Listen, woman, I’ll speak however I want to speak’ aiight??? (Esteban improves a gangsta hand symbol and adjusts his flannel shirt and Moobie hat)
Weetabix:Oh my god. You look like the whitest man on the planet.
Esteban:Give me my propas, beyatch.
Weetabix:Want me to represent?
Esteban: (pauses, searches for words)’. Err’.. I don’t KNOW what that is so I’m not entirely certain if you should represent or not’. Or what that would entail. Is that a good thing?
Weetabix:Spike Lee will undoubtedly be calling you for pointers soon.
Esteban:The vampire guy?
Weetabix:Yup, you’re one righteous poppa in the hood.
Out of curiosity, I sent Esteban the following email:
—–Original Message—–
From: Weetabix
Sent: Monday, January 07, 2002 12:50 PM
To: Esteban (E-mail)
Subject: me
What is the funniest thing I ever said???
This is a poll.
I’m serious.
He replied:
—–Original Message—–
From: Esteban
Sent: Monday, January 07, 2002 3:38 PM
To: Weetabix
Subject: RE: me
“What are those marks on the toilet seat?”
I replied
—–Original Message—–
From: Weetabix
Sent: Monday, January 07, 2002 3:38 PM
To: Esteban
Subject: RE: me
You suck.
He does indeed suck. I was expecting some humorous bit of Weetabixanalia, something witty and clever. Instead he picks something that makes me look really dumb.
But let me ‘splain:
We were lying in my bed when I was twenty years old’. My bed being in the living room of the one bedroom apartment I shared with a psycho hose beast from hell. No, that has nothing to do with the actual comment; I’m just giving you the setting. So there we are, Weetabix and Esteban, lying in her bed which is behind the entertainment center and always kind of smells like television ozone and the psycho hose beast is most likely in her bedroom dreaming up ways to torment the ‘Bix.
And we’re talking about toilet seats. I don’t remember why we were talking about toilet seats’Why is not important. We just were.
And I mentioned that I noticed that toilet seats in older homes, such as at my great grandmother’s house, always had two dark marks, almost like decorations or maybe where the porcelain had worn away. It was a mystery to me. And Esteban says, ‘Maybe it’s from the lid?’ And then I pictured the toilet lid coming down and having those two little nub things hitting the seat in precisely those spots and I said ‘Ohhhh.’
Doesn’t it speak to a certain sense of intelligence that I never gave the marks on the toilet seat serious thought, that I never considered cause and effect? Or does it speak to a slight form of autism or possibly a lack of logical thinking due to the mary jane brownies my mother used to make?
And he has never let me forget it. He even accused me of thinking that my great grandmother had a pointy butt. Which I did nothing of the sort. But he has lorded it over me for ten years. Also, I think it is possible that it was the very same night that he told me that he was going to spit into my belly button and when I said, ‘You wouldn’t dare’, he did.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m living in Arkansas and am married to my brother.
My next husband will not make fun of me. I think I shall marry Henry Rollins next.
