Weetabix: Scratch my back please?
Esteban: (scratches Weetabix’s back)
Weetabix: (undulating and twisting, trying to maneuver her back so that he hits the itchy spot) Lower…. Left…. Down… the other down…. Other…no… move…. Arrrrgghh!
Esteban: Where?!?!?!
Weetabix: I think my skin is dry and that’s why it’s itchy. Can you put some Body Butter on it?
Esteban: NO WAY! That stuff smells like the inside of the Dole Pineapple’s anus.
Weetabix: No, I got different stuff. One of my diary readers told me to try the Nut Butter stuff… she said it smelled like sex.
Esteban: Um… sex doesn’t necessarily smell very good. It smells kind of raunchy.
Weetabix: Well… I don’t think she meant the actual bad sex smell. Like you’d WANT to have sex.
Esteban: With the nut butter?
Weetabix: Freak.
Esteban: Oooh… it feels like… pig fat or something. This is made from pig fat isn’t it?
Weetabix: No… it’s all natural.
Esteban: Natural pig fat.
Weetabix: I think it’s vegan.
Esteban: (delicately rubbing the butter in with one finger) That’s what they TELL you. Soylent Green is People! It’s people!!!
Weetabix: Stop being a wimp! Use your hand!
Esteban: (digging out a huge glop of body butter) Hold still!
Weetabix: (Pulling her shirt back down) No. No. You’re done. You’re done!
Esteban: No! Hold still! You will hold still!
Weetabix: No! No! I don’t want you to do it anymore!
Esteban: I have it in my hand now! You’re getting buttered, young lady!
Weetabix: Henry Rollins wouldn’t be so mean! He wouldn’t be afraid to butter my back!
Esteban: Henry Rollins is a hard-core meathead.
Weetabix: He’s a hard body. He’d probably hate my fat butt.
Esteban: I love your fat butt, honey.
Weetabix: (injured voice) You think my butt is fat?
Esteban: Um…. er…
Weetabix: (erupts into wicked laughter)
Esteban: You’re evil. Ack! I have it on my hand! (wipes some on Weetabix’s leg)
Weetabix: That will teach you to avoid the Body Butter! It’s butter karma.
Esteban: You’re going to write about this in your diary aren’t you.
Weetabix: What makes you say that?
Esteban: Because I know you. You’re writing the entry in your head right now.
Weetabix: No… I don’t have to write it in my head.
