Russell Crowe: Hey there Weetabix. I heard that your bloke Esteban is leaving you all alone on Valentine’s Day to work on his project. How about I take you out, Gladiator-style?
Weetabix: Oh my! Russell Crowe! Wow. This is really something.
Russell Crowe: Isn’t it though? Aren’t I sexy?
Weetabix: Um, well, I can’t really deny that.
Penn Jillette: Don’t listen to him! (to Russell) Don’t you like waifish little blonde things?
Russell Crowe: (doesn’t know what to say, so he fixes Penn with his steely magnetic stare)
Penn: Want me to make him disappear for you, Weet? Then you and I can make some magic.
Weetabix: (giggles) Oh my! Penn!
Henry Rollins: #$@!@! How are you doing, baby?
Weetabix: Um, Penn, meet Henry Rollins. And that’s Russell Crowe.
Henry Rollins: Nice to %&#(@# meet you, Russ… Penn. What kind of #!&$ name is Penn anyway? These guys aren’t asking you out, are they Weet? Because I was thinking you and I could maybe thrash a little tonight. I heard you were quite the punk rock girl once upon a time.
Weetabix: Well, I had something quieter in mind tonight. I kind of partied myself out last weekend.
Penn: (sticks tongue out at Hank)
Sting: Yeah, so you chaps could hit the road. I’ve written Weetabix a melodic jazz tune with which to woo her.
Weetabix: Wow! Really!?
Henry Rollins: I got a new tattoo of a chubby tinkerbell! And you’re delusional if you don’t think I took a lot of heat from the other guys in the band over THAT.
Starbucks Guy: But what you really want is a piping hot Mocha Latte. Right, my little car thumping girl?
Weetabix: Teehee! What are you doing here?
Starbucks Guy: I heard you’d be all alone on Valentine’s Day, so I figured we could drive around and thump.. I mean, listen to music, and stuff. (grins adorably) I brought you this bouquet of free Starbucks coupons.
Weetabix: Thank you! You rock!
Hawkeye from Last of the Mohicans: Weetabix…. I will find you. No matter how far you go, no matter how long it takes. I will find you. No matter what occurs. I will find you.
Sting (singing) Every breath Weetabix takes… Every splinter she intakes, every kitchen she paints, I’ll be watching her….
Russell: Excuse me, but I’m on her list you know.
Sting: (still singing) I dream of rain a-lay a-lay a-lay I dream of gardens in the desert sand, I dream of Weetabix a-lay a-lay a-lay and the hopes of replacing Esteban!
Penn: I almost made the list, but for my cursed red fingernail! I’ll cut my finger off for you Weetabix!
Weetabix: No, really, that’s not necessary.
Jimmy Stewart: What do you want, Weet? Do you want the moon? If you want it, I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for you. Hey! That’s a pretty good idea! I’ll give you the moon, Weetabix.
Henry Rollins: Holy $&#^! Dude! Aren’t you dead?
Jimmy Stewart: Yeah, and you’re going to be wishing you were in a minute because I’ll give you what for!
Henry Rollins: Dude, back off. I’m not going to get into a fight with a dead guy. They don’t have anything to lose.
Sean Connery, in James Bond mode: Weetabix, my little curvy round sex goddess. Forget all of these children and come for a ride with me in my Martin… Astin Martin.
Russell Crowe: You don’t want that old guy when you could have my rakish charm, do you?
Ralph Fiennes as Heathcliff: Don’t you mean Raif? It’s pronounced Raif, you know.
Russell Crowe: I said RAKISH you limey bastard. Why don’t you go wander the moors a bit?
Ralph Fiennes as Heathcliff: Sheep$*#&!*.
Russell Crowe: At least I’m a gorgeous sheep$*#&!*.
Esteban: What is going on here?
Weetabix: You’re home!!!!
Henry Rollins: Aw $*#&!*.
Esteban: Well, yeah, do you think I’d leave you alone on Valentine’s Day… but I see you’re not alone! What’s the dude from Highlander doing in our living room?
Sean Connery, in James Bond mode: Charmed.
Weetabix: Um, they heard I was all alone and then they just showed up. (to the other men) I guess I won’t be needing you boys after all.
Sting (singing) I’m so happy I might start crying… Esteban showed up on V-Day and took my Weetabix away….
Hawkeye from Last of the Mohicans: I will wait for you, Weetabix. No matter how long. I will wait. Stay alive. I will wait and stare poignantly into the setting sun. I feel it more deeply than any stirring in my heart could imagine.
Ralph Fiennes as Heathcliff: You’re really annoying, you know that?
Russell Crowe: I may be dumb, but at least I’m pretty.
Penn: Well, this sucks. You guys want to go get a beer or something?
Starbucks Guy: How about a Latte?
Esteban: Your diary is really jumping the shark, you know that?
Weetabix: Yeah, I know.
