Oh my goodness, where to start?
First off, the great and powerful Badsnake has answered my email and has granted me audience at Rancho Lesbiano, but I must first write an essay on Jodie Foster. She is a cruel and unusual task master…. I love it.
I have been all giggly about it. My first thought was “Oh my goodness, what ever will I wear?” because I’m nothing without a comprehensive fashion plan.
Esteban is a little nervous about the whole thing. Ever since I told him, years ago, that I thought K.D. Lang was hot, he’s been afraid that I will switch to the other team, as if sexual orientation were a game of kickball or something. He’s such a burgermeister sometimes.
Oh! And then, yesterday when I went to my doctor appointment, I got weighed. Now technically, it was not the same scale, but according to their records, I’ve lost 17 pounds of bulbous ass. Oh, I’m certain it’s not all bulbous ass, but still, very cool.
But that wasn’t the coolest part. The doctor examined me, confirmed that I had bronchitis, pressed hard on the rib I bruised coughing until I grabbed him by the testicles and said ‘YOU WILL STOP THAT NOW!’. Maybe I was a little PMSy at that moment.
Then he said, with a look of concern on his face, ‘I’d like to prescribe you some codeine for that cough.’
I swear to God, the heavens parted and I heard the voices of angels singing in perfect unison ‘Codeine’ codeine’ CODEINE!!!!!!’.
I tried to play it all cool. ‘Sure’ I respond pretty well to that.’ I said, shrugging, trying to stop myself from doing the little codeine addict dance of joy.
So he wrote me a script for the lovely drug of golden sleep.
With one refill!!!
Right now, I’m envisioning countless cyber-interventions being planned in my honor. But honestly, it’s not like I’m panning for the stuff. I just really really like it. Really a lot. A LOT. Sure, a part of me wants to be codeine’s bitch. Part of me wants to wear tight suggestive clothing, lots of lycra and pvc for codeine because it wants me too.
But I don’t. I just relish it when I get it. I’m not all ABC Afterschool Special about it.
You’re not buying it, are you? Listen, it’s not like there would be much of a market for a chubby round codeine whore, so I don’t think we have to worry, ok? Besides, I have my addiction to Starbucks already and they’re counterintuitive.
Stop looking at me like that. Great. Now I have guilt.
As Esteban and I were lying in bed talking about the trip, I was absolutely giddy. I now have an event to look forward to (as I wasn’t exactly excited about the actual wedding we’re attending… Esteban’s familial events are generally indescribable. As someone who grew up in an obviously dysfunctional family, it weirds me out to see all of the strange family bonding and genuine good will which exists there. To me, it isn’t a family function if someone isn’t getting drunk or Grandma isn’t making someone cry.)
Then Esteban called me a dork because he delights in any evidence that I am not cool. He likes to call me a diary dork. No, I said, I am a diary diva sweetie. And then, to prove a point, he started asking me html questions, under the pretense that knowing the answer makes me a geek. (Sorry, sweetie, no matter how hard you try, I’ll always be cooler than you. )
Weetabix’s Uterus: How about with me, bitca? Helloooooooo! Have you forgotten me? (waves for attention) This is me right here! Have you forgotten the time you waited in line at 2 a.m. for tickets to a Monkees concert? When they were all reaching retirement age? Hmmm? Or how you wore striped jeans well into the late 80’s.
Um, as I was saying’Esteban grabs at anything that would lower me to his level. Part of him secretly wishes that he were the cool one in the marriage and he could lord it over me. I think he wants a D&D playing wife with a unibrow and a Lord of the Rings t-shirt.
Weetabix’s Uterus: Who do you think you are fooling, Hurly Girl? You loved the crap out of that movie! And how much did you pay for that Spike action figure with the thrusting crotch vampenis? I think we should celebrate your 17 pounds loss with a little cookies & cream frozen custard. With extra Oreo cookies. And some bacon crumbled on the top.
I just can’t continue this entry any longer. All I have to say is ‘Wooohooo! Badsnake next week!’
Weetabix’s Uterus: That’s what we need, limp lungs. I want to live in a house where everyone has a uterus. Badsnake’s got the right idea right there. No more Fruit of the Looms thrown wherever’ I’ll bet all the uterus’ get together and coordinate their schedules too. It would be one big estrogen party! Hot damn! (singing) I’m every woman’ it’s all in me’ anything you want done baby’ I’ll do it naturally’..(stopping suddenly) Where’s that fugly Whitney Houston? I’ll kick her skinny druggy ass! Me and Chaka Khan, we’ll take that bitchtard DOWN!!!!
Badsnake, seriously, if you are afraid after reading this entry, I can provide references for my sanity and upstanding citizenship. Really.
