So Atlanta.
DejaVue.
Where was I?
Oh yes’. Rancho Lesbiano.
Ahem.
So it was time to get ready and I realized that it was something like 70 degrees out and the outfit I had planned (because it’s all about the clothes with me, you know) wasn’t going to cut it. It was kind of a downer, since it was the lime green turtleneck and I did have the lime green bra and panties to go with, so I was all afluster about wardrobe from the ground up. So instead, I freestyled and threw together a panic ensemble. I think it worked ok. Not great. It rated an ‘Eh’ from Esteban, but it would ensure that I wouldn’t melt. I did anyway, but considerably less. I think people from Wisconsin are like in that old Frosty the Snowman cartoon where he brings Karen into the greenhouse to keep warm and he melts. Yeah. That’s me. Big bulbous ball of white.
Esteban was hanging with the parents. They were going to dinner and the consensus was that they were going to Applebees. What? Applebees? We are 1000 miles from home and they pick someplace that we have not one, but two locations in Green Bay??? Esteban balked and I sided with him and suggested that they try one of the local places, but his Aunt was freaking out and was getting a rash from all the stress of being in a new place. She needed stability and apparently Applebees was soothing for her. Esteban was grumpy and tried to get out of the forced fam thing to come to the Rancho with me, but June was persistent and he acquiesced. His loss.
I hoped in my car and cranked up the tunes. The sun was setting on the city and as I buzzed through downtown on my way to the Rancho, I was giddy with excitement. I cranked up the tunes and was driving 85 miles an hour, in the flow of traffic, just exuberant in general. Then a moment of Atlanta Zen (tm Chauffi) I was driving down the Atlanta highway and suddenly the B-52’s song comes on. ‘Hey you see a painted sign at the side of the road that says fifteen miles to the love shack’. Love shack yeah yeah’. I’m heading down the Atlanta highway’. Looking for the love getaway’ headed for the love getaway’.’ And I was just’. Wow. I am driving to the Love Getaway’ the Lesbiano Love Shack. And there really was glitter on the highway. It was a surreal moment.
So from that point forward, I knew with certainty that the night was going kick some serious ass. It was destiny, baby. It was fucking fate.
Following BadSnake’s excellent instructions, I found the Rancho without a problem. I was sure I was in the right place by the presence of the green sofa which has been dumped in favor of their new lovely classic sofa. That made me giggle very much’ that I knew the whole story behind their junked sofa. By that time, darkness had settled and with a little jitters, I got out of the car. The Rancho is in a very lovely little area of town’ it reminds me very much of my neighborhood, actually. Little bungalows nestled on a quiet street. I walked up the path and found a note on the door directing me around back, where I found the residents of the Rancho gathered near a little pond, drinking wine and eating grapes and generally having a mellow time with their neighbor Lucy. Badsnake introduced me to everyone, giving Lucy’s real name and then, asiding, ‘That’s Lucy’ to me, to clue me in. Immediately, loud mouth Weetabix says ‘Oh, yeah’. Ricky and Lucy!’ To which Lucy was like ‘What????’ She then went over to tell Ricky about his pseude and he came back, laughing the classic Ricky Ricardo laugh. I felt like a loser though that I had outted her pseudonyms. Like, my grandmother would kick my ass from here until Tuesday if she knew I called her Mafia Grandma. Luckily, Ricky and Lucy were so incredibly cool that they thought it was great.
Deb immediately jumped up to get me a glass of wine and we all chilled in the backyard for a bit. Mechaieh talked about what she did in Amsterdam. We basically all got acquainted, just hanging out in the dark, being mellow. Deb was alternating between cooking and socializing. It was very lovely. Oh, and Mechaieh brought them some porn back from Amsterdam. What did Weetabix bring? Cheese and fudge. How lame is that? Seriously. She brings porn’ I bring cheese. I’ve got to rate somewhere around Betty White in coolness factor.
Then it was time to eat. First Badsnake needed to commemorate the event with a picture, complete with creative tripod placement. She commented on her page that everyone looked good but her’ in my opinion, she looked great’ I, however, have this whole Vulcan weird eyebrow thing going on. And I have my kicky eyeglasses on, but it’s not a good thing. I look exactly like a chubby version of my paternal grandmother, who was often compared to Minnie Pearl. Note to self: either relax forehead when taking pictures or stop letting hairdresser use a weed whacker on my eyebrows. Oh, and by that time, my hair had deflated and was wilting.
Dinner was incredible. Deb is the most incredible cook. Dinner tasted like what you’d expect the food on Molto Mario to taste like. And I love their house. I sat between Badsnake and Sara and we had incredible dinner discussions. Ricky is hilarious and a charming southern gentleman. Lucy is just as witty and clever. We talked about the most diverse topics’ anything from the war in Afghanistan to being so drunk that you need to cover one eye to see straight to biting the heads off partridges. The Hello Kitty vibrator was passed around the table and it is seriously too precious for words. It looks like it should dispense candy or possibly lipgloss. Then we had this weird bonding moment, kind of like in Jaws where Brody and Quinn are comparing scars’ only we were sharing machoisms. Sara has had to move a 300 pound corpse. Ricky puts grubs in his mouth when he’s ice fishing. I have had my hand stuck in a cow’s vagina, up to my shoulder, to twist a calf. There were others but I don’t recall them’ it was all too funny, however. And at one point, a ‘y’all’ slipped out of my mouth. They were turning me southern. I think it was in the wine or something, but it was met with raucous approval and raised glasses. Badsnake also mentioned that she once tried holding a phone book up under her breast. I postulated that I thought I would be able to hold up the entire New York Metropolitan White Pages under mine. She agreed that she wouldn’t want to get into a competition with me’ and what a strange competition it would be. I’m not certain that it would be a good thing to win, actually.
What can I say about the inhabitants of the Rancho? Well, Badsnake is so very cool I cannot even tell you. She is exactly as she is in her diary, and her life really is so good that you almost can’t believe it. And she’s utterly hilarious. Deb is sweet, wonderful, and lovely. You can tell how much she cares for everyone around her. She’s a truly elegant individual and yet completely comfortable and easy going. Sara reminds me a lot of myself, only she’s way more cool. She almost sent wine up into my sinus’ when I was talking about deep fried cheese curds and she said, completely serious ‘Please stop saying ‘deep fried cheese’, I can feel my arteries hardening right now.’ And Jake was completely fun to hang out with. I think I have a girl crush on Jake. She brought me out to the old green couch and Ricky took a picture of us with our hands covering our eyes.
Because of the drunk thing. Maybe you had to kind of be there, but it was hilarious. Seriously. Also, I look like I am from the Planet of 50 Foot Women in this picture. She’s tiny. And I’m descendant from many generations of hearty stock. And I look like a dork in this picture. I hate to put it up, but I promised. So there.
Then everyone finished their incredible soup. I took a picture of Deb and Mechaieh talking, with Badsnake in the background doing dishes, sweatshirt off and tattooed bicep showing.
And that’s when Jake flashed me.
Full frontal boobies’ .two feet from my face.
And did I have my camera ready? I did not. Please do not tell my Girl Scout leader this. She always warned me that I was never prepared enough. That’s why I didn’t get any badges.
And have I mentioned what a complete fucking hottie Jake is? I think she’s high on my Sting factor. (read Badsnake’s entry if you’re not sure what that is)
So dishes were done and we all resettled in different seating to talk some more, digesting to make room for Pear Pudding. I’m not sure if I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. It was fabulous. And then we had dessert, which was incredible. If you haven’t checked out Deb’s Comfort Food diary, I highly recommend it. Her Pear Pudding recipe can be found here and it is divine. Go make some. Now. You’ll thank me for it later.
Then Ricky found out about Jake flashing me and wanted to see some Jake action, so she flashed the entire entourage. Again’ two feet from me. I think I owe her a flash at this point.
Ricky brought me some pecans from his backyard because he’s one of the coolest people ever. And he was a bit tipled too. And I invited the lot of them to come up to Green Bay where I will show them how to tailgate at Lambeau come nippy fall football weather’ all the brats and saur kraut they can eat. I have a four bedroom house and a pull-out queen size sofa’ I think we can manage.
Then we all retired to the living room of Deb and Badsnake’s tastefully decorated home. I felt completely at ease and comfortable, despite the fact that this was the first time I had ever met any of these people. It was like we had all been great friends for years. That’s the magic of the Rancho Lesbiano, people. You just have to let it in.
Then came the part of the evening where I turned to Badsnake and said, ‘So, uh, can you show me where you have all the hot sex?’ Being the gracious Southern hostess that she is, she refrained from sneering at me and saying ‘Perv!’ but instead brought me up to the attic where they have all the hot sex. I got to see the big old cross and the famous futon where Remy ties up Claire. I held the big scary motorcycle boot. I started looking at all these mundane objects and asking about the sexual uses of them. ‘What’s that silicone spray for?’ ‘That’s for the exercise equipment to make the weights run smoothly.’ ‘What are the baseballs for?’ ‘Playing baseball.’ And then Badsnake cracked her whip, so I stopped asking so many questions. She’s quite adept at that. She got some good cracks going that made my spine tingle. Actually tingle. She’s kinda scary with it.
I can honestly say that I’ve never invited to a dinner party that ended with a whip cracking. Well, one, but I wasn’t actually invited to that one.
And then I asked to see the dicks, so she opened the dick box and showed me all of their dicks. And they were impressive. And then she unsheathed Denzel. And even put his glasses on for full effect. She’s so damned cool.
Then everyone was getting yawny, so I took that as a cue to leave, even though I could have stayed for hours and hours. Actually, they did invite me to stay the night but
I tried to explain that I’m from the North and don’t know how do deal with so much Southern hospitality at once. I hugged everyone. Ricky gave me a kiss and called me Sugar.
Best. Dinner Party.
Ever.
Jake and Sara walked me back out to the car and made sure that I knew how to get back to my hotel. Then I watched them wander into their portion of the Rancho. And I hopped in my car, popped in my Abba CD and headed back out onto the highway.
If we ever move to Atlanta, I know exactly where we will live. There are six houses on their block, two are the Rancho and one is Ricky and Lucy, which means that we’ve got exactly three houses in the Atlanta area to pick from. And I think that Stella lives in one, so the pool has gotten smaller. Anyway, great time. Great food. Great people.
Just goes to prove that Diarylanders rock.
When I got back to the hotel, Esteban was still grumpy over his night of fun with his family.
He asked, ‘So.. how was Badsnake?’
‘She was cool. Everyone was cool. And I saw boobies.’
‘Really? No. You didn’t. You’re just saying that.’
‘Yes. I really did. Twice.’
‘Twice?’
‘Twice.’
‘Daaaaaamn. Applebees sucks so much more now. Did you get a picture?’
‘No! And I was trying too! I just wasn’t fast enough.’
‘You know some really cool lesbians, you know that?’
‘Yeah. I do.’
‘I swear as God as my witness’.I am never going to Applebees again. Damn! Breasts! Bare breasts!’
‘Bare Jake breasts. They were very nice, too.’
‘Damn. Hey’ where are you going?’
‘I gotta try something with the phone book.’
