I didn’t watch the Oscars. I took one look at them, at Joan River’s emanciated little skeleton with her raspy voice and her “Look! See! I’m a human! I’ve reproduced and then my mate killed himself” daughter Melissa and I feel slightly faint, as if I had just inhaled a combination of bleach and ammonia. That’s horrible of me. I shouldn’t make fun of poor Edgar. But perhaps Joan shouldn’t have made fun of him all of those years? Hmmm?
I guess that I missed Gwyneth’s droopy uneven breasts and J.Lo looking like an extra from Peggy Sue Got Married. And Russell looking sour when he lost out to Denzel. A good sport Russell is not, but he’s very pretty so he doesn’t have to be.
Joan Rivers: Hello everyone, I’m reporting here from the red carpet at the 1st Annual Diaryland Awards. Everyone who is anyone is here. I just saw Bobby Burgess walk up the red carpet with Julia Roberts, wearing Armani and a smile. And a second ago, you can still see the back of her head up the way there, we saw Marn arrive, wearing a gorgeous ….oh… gorgeous!… Versace number in pale chartreuse.
Melissa Rivers: Mom? Mom? Have you seen UncleBob yet? They’re telling me that he’s coming your way.
Joan Rivers: Ohhh! Ohhh! UncleBob. Oh my goodness. I’m flushed! I’m flushed. I can see him now. UncleBob! Yoohoo! Oh no! He’s running away! Hey! You come back here! This is E! Entertainment, buddy!
Melissa Rivers: Mom, just let it go. They’re about to start anyway. (wishing she was the daughter of Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs)
Joan Rivers: That’s right… we’ll get him back when we crucify him for his clothing choice. Did you see that tux? Denim with the American flag embroidered on the back. Awww! (makes retching sound) Blech! But now, let’s cut over to the award show.
(Cut to the stage where a large Cirque Du Soleil act is going on and Roseanne Barr is making Tom Arnold jump through a hoop of fire. Tom’s groinal region catches fire and she laughs maniacally. Then Billy Crystal makes a joke about having one’s diary online being akin to toasting one’s nether regions and then announces that there will be no acceptance speeches in effort to keep the awards program under 5 hours. Cut to a shot of Jack Nicholson’s sardonic expression. Cut to a reaction shot of JHeaton looking amused. Then the folks from Price Waterhouse looking anal-retentive and uncomfortable. )
Throcky, presenting with Bjork: In today’s fast paced society, we look to small bite-sized bits of diaries to give us our daily fix. (Bjork does some interpretive dance and is chased around stage by a gigantic swan, but it turns out that it is really KitchenLogic) And the Andy for Best Short Shorts goes to…. Save Craig!
Pamela Anderson Lee crosses the stage with Blab who is merely oggling Ms. Anderson’s finest qualities.
Pamela: Electronic voyeurism has been around since the inception of the internet.
Blab: I wonder why they chose us to present this award, Pamela. (raises eyebrows knowingly)
Pamela: (sighs and ignores him because she is a serious actress) For Best Gratuitous Sex Scenes, the Andy goes to…. BadSnake!
Andy Warhol: And now the presentation of the Andy for best design of a diary.
Chromemm: Hey. You’re like David Bowie or some shit, right?
Andy Warhol: No. I’m not.
Chromemm: Yes you are. Don’t fuck with me. You’re David Fucking Bowie.
Andy Warhol: You are strange and off putting.
Chromemm: Listen Ziggy Stardust, bite me, ok? And the award for best design goes to Outfoxed.
Billy Bob Thornton: In times of uncertainty, it becomes…. hey… I object to this next category!
Bfee: (picking up the cue)… it becomes necessary for women to know how to kick some serious ass while still maintaining a healthy pout. The Andy for Best Usage of Angelina Jolie goes to…..Pischina!
Billy Bob Thornton: They told me I was doing the Lifetime Achievement one. This is crap! No one touch me! (storms off the stage)
DancingBrave: An online diary is nothing without a compelling narrative style.
Russell Crowe: Hey, uh, are you married, baby?
DancingBrave: Um…. no, but I have a boyfriend… and we’re not going to be bringing up marriage again for some time, ok?
Russell Crowe: That’s no matter. Want to see my muscles?
Dancing Brave: And the Andy for Best On-Screen Writing goes to….Widower!
Russell Crowe: Does this mean you don’t want to see my muscles?
Chauffi: Concept diaries abound on Diaryland, but some of them rise to the top as being truly excellent.
Tori Spelling: My dad bought me a diary once.
Chauffi: Um… that’s nice Tori. It’s your line.
Tori Spelling: Line? What? My breasts defy gravity.
Chauffi: And the Andy for Best Overall Concept goes to …Quoted!
Tori Spelling: My dad tried to buy me a spot on Quoted.
Brad Pitt: And now we have the presentation of the lifetime achievement award.
Anenigma: This next award goes to a man who has written almost 1000 entries, each one funny as hell, as well as several hilarious alternative diaries. Plus, he’s very sweet… or at least his urine is…. Uncle Bob!
UncleBob:(ripping off his Brad Pitt mask) Thank you! Thank you! I’m really honored. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do with this award thing. I mean, it’s nice because it’s named after my kid, right, but I’m pretty sure he’s just going to swipe it and chew on it. I’ll probably put it in the garage sale, but I’m honored just the same. Thanks y’all! Peace out!
By the way, the diarists and celebrities mentioned here had nothing to do with this entry and it was all me, baby, all me. So don’t get your panties in a twist. It’s satirical. Besides, Andy Warhol is totally dead.
