Last Friday, as I was driving down to Milwaukee, I embibed a little Mocha Chocolatte Creole Lady Marmalade sans Starbucks Guy. As I opened my gullet to consume the energetic nectar I was suddenly hit with throbbing pain. What the…? It seems as though one of my fillings had suddenly become extremely sensitive to heat. That was ok. I had brought some Diet Coke along too. I stopped drinking the coffee and opened the Diet Coke and took a big swig. SURGING AGONY!!!
Ok, dental demons, that’s not funny. You don’t mess with the ‘Bix’s caffeine habit.
So I’ve been basically doing all of my drinking and chewing on the left side of my mouth. I stopped by Mo’s house to drop off some Hard Rock Atlanta t-shirts for her and Abby and snarfed up a piece of cold pizza sitting on her counter. Without thinking, I chomped and almost jumped out of my seat! Even at room temperature, it was too cold.
I went into the dentist today. I couldn’t get into Dr. John, so I acquiesced due to the pain and took an appointment with Dr. Puberty. They took x-rays again, because they’ve got a whole x-ray scam going. Seriously. It’s like an x-ray cult at that dentist’s. The worst part was lying there, knowing that she was going to shoot cold air at my tooth, my poor beleaguered tooth. It was actually trembling at one point, in anticipation of the pain. And of course she did shoot cold air at it, not once, but EIGHT times, until I arched my back, my ass hovering three feet off the seat and said “YOU WILL STOP THAT NOW! I’M NOT MAKING IT UP!” And then she made a note with her jelly pen that I was disagreeable and needed four more x-rays.
Turns out that my original filling, the one for the very first cavity I ever had, has a gap between it and the tooth. Thus, it must be removed, and replaced, with a white one because I now can afford to have invisible fillings instead of Poverty silver-colored fillings.
So I’m not looking forward to that.
Well, maybe a little bit. Because that means….
More Nitrous Oxide!!!!!
Can you even believe that I’m facing a needle in my mouth AND sharp insruments, including very probably a DRILL, just to get my mitts on some more nitrous oxide??
Kids, don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad. Don’t be like Weetabix. Drugs will make you choose a job which is in no way related to what you went to college for. Drugs will cause you to think a Nascar ride is the epitome of class and style. Drugs will cause you to have unruly eyebrows and a double chin. Drugs will make you hate Carson Daly and weep because Jackass is not on the air anymore. Drugs are bad!
But nitrous oxide is gooooooood.
Well, only if it’s taken during the process of giving you a lovely smile. No other time.
And eat your vegetables, too.
So, there’s this commercial which just started running for Cinnamon Crispix, and it shows two kids who are taping up their father with clear packing tape, presumably so that there will be more crispity cinnamony cereal for the little selfish brats to enjoy all on their very own, while their father struggles against his bindings. But whatever. Two things about this commercial disturb me: First off, they show a closeup of the father with his mouth taped with the clear tape, only you don’t really see the reflective shine of the tape. You just see his mouth looking somehow wrong. Actually, he looks like the world’s largest and most realistic ventriloquist dummy. And that is the stuff of nightmares, right there, people. And he has this look on his face, this kind of “Oh you silly kids, you silly delicious delectable kids!”
GAH!
Or maybe it’s just me.
Second off, the commercial then takes an even more disturbing tone as the children prepare to exit the bedroom, after the entire bondage session with their father. They find that the door is now locked, blocked by a chair by their devious mother, who now plans to eat the corn on one side, rice on the other little diamond shaped bits of breakfast delight. But that’s not the disturbing part. Well, it could be, but it’s not the part that bugs me the most. They do a closeup of the door and there is a DEADBOLT on the parents’ bedroom door! A deadbolt! Just what are those parents doing in there that they need a deadbolt? And then that brings up the issue of that tape. Was the tape already in the parents’ bedroom?
I mean, I’m thinking that their selfish cereal behavior is the least of their problems. I’m just saying.
I had a weird moment the other night. There was a guy at the Cute Boy Bar who looked very out of place, so I tried to describe it to Esteban, why this boy looked so out of place at the Cute Boy Bar. He had this strange bowl cut page boy on his angular fox-like face and he was wearing a cable-knit black turtleneck. I explained, “There was this sketch on Saturday Night Live, called Sprockets and Mike Myers played Dieter” And then Esteban nodded, because he vaguely remembered that Mike Myers was on Saturday Night Live. I continued “And one episode, Dieter was all excited because he was going to interview this famous film director from the Eastern Block… because, you know, the wall had just come down, so he finally could enter the free world. And they showed a clip of his movie and it was this strange black and white montage of the guy’s face, he was played by Woody Harrelson, and then a chicken and then Woody Harrelson again…. it was all very strange. And then the guy came on the show and he was ruined by all of the tackiness of the free world. Like, he had a hat with holders for beer cans, so he could drink beer from a tube. Anyway, that guy looks exactly like that character… only not ruined by the free world and stuff… you don’t know what I’m talking about, do you.”
“Uh-uh.” Esteban shook his head and then went back to his beer, uttering an oath under his breath to not marry a crazy woman next time.
And now is the time on Weetabix when we dance.
