I just had a serious moment of misjudgement.
I had quilting class tonight and skipped dinner beforehand in order to make it to the class on time. I didn’t want the Quilt Nazi to slap her ruler over my knuckles or anything. Because seriously, have you ever seen quilting rulers? They are not like normal rulers. They are freaking huge!
It ended at 9:30 and by that time, I was rather cranky pants, having not eaten a thing since my minute lunch at 11:30. That was not good. I really need to have small portion snacks throughout the day, preferably small watercress sandwiches, with the crusts cut off, delivered on trays by butlers in crisply starched uniforms with highbrow English accents. But I’m not picky.
So I started to drive home but in my hungered delusional state determined that there was nothing edible in my house (which is NOT so! In fact, there are three leftover tenderloin steaks, some sliced strawberries, leftover meatloaf, and a ton of other Weetabix approved things to nibble)
The only thing that I wanted was a chili dog.
From the Varsity in Atlanta.
So.. uh… plan B.
First, my conscience kicked in and lectured that a chili dog at quarter to ten at night was not the wisest meal choice. All of those nitrates and carcinogens and other nasty stuff would certainly kill me before I woke up tomorrow, if they didn’t add 17 pounds directly to my bulbous ass. 17 pounds of cancerous tumors.
Perhaps a lovely healthy garden pita from Wendy’s? That would be more reasonable. Thus, I drove to Wendy’s and got some 99 cent chicken nuggets. I meant to say “Garden Pita” but it came out like “Chicken Nuggets”.
I took a bite of a nugget and decided that what it really needed was some chili. And that it had the texture of something that someone else had very thoughtfully pre-chewed.
I sighed, threw out the nuggets, and drove the other way, to an A&W, which has passable chili dogs. Once again, I wanted a small chili dog, no onions, but it came out of my mouth “Footlong… does that come with cheese on it too?”
The shame.
It should be noted here that one cannot expect to find quality chili dogs at A&W at 10 p.m.
I’m pretty sure that I was waited on by Screech from Saved By The Bell but I never realized Screech was actually a girl. Also, I watched in horror as Screech removed my hotdog from the MICROWAVE and then actually wrestled it into the bun. She had her back to me the whole time, but I could see that it was giving her some problems. I thought she was going to have to call in Mr. Belding. Then she closed up the little hotdog container, she put it into the bag and proceeded to stand the bag up ON ITS END.
It’s really my fault. It’s tempting the fates to be eating chili dogs at 10 pm at night. Sometimes I think I need a Greek chorus to follow me around and sing about why I shouldn’t do things.
I brought my chili dog home and opened it.
After being turned on its end, the chili had not moved. It was ice cold and gelatinous.
What is more, the hotdog was three sizes too large for the bun. I think she used a normal size bun or something but it looked positively pornographic, all pale and poking out of the bun.
I blushed. I kid you not. I actually blushed sitting in my own home, alone, looking at a hot dog.
This is when the Greek chorus would have done a little “We were so right” dance.
I threw it out.
When I tell people that I have issues with food, I don’t think they fully understand what I mean sometimes.
Weird moment: Earlier tonight, I was pulling into the Quilting shop’s parking lot and I got some weird looks from the various patrons in the lot. That’s when I realized that not only was my car thumping so loud that my side mirrors were vibrating, but I was listening to Nine Inch Nails sing that they wanted to “fuck you like an animal”.
One started up her car and her radio started playing, I kid you not, Michael Bolton. She turned it up a little, wanting to hear about how a man loves a woman, heeeeee heeeeeeeeee oooooooh, but NIN’s “You let me violate you… you let me desecrate you.” kicked Pansy Boy’s ass.
My next quilt, I think, will be made with black leather and possibly barb wire.
