Weetabix’s Uterus: I’ve been told that I am too aggressive. I’ve been told that I operate on a very base level. Thus, I’ve reconsidered my methods and am trying a different approach.
Attention all of you plebes and tools who read this here page, be advised’ I HAVE TAKEN IT HOSTAGE! IT WILL NOT RETURN TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING UNTIL MY DEMANDS HAVE BEEN MET.
God, I’m good. That was impressive, wasn’t it? I’m a multi-talented organ, ya know. I took public speaking in college. Y’all think it’s a queef, but it’s not’ it’s an improperly schooled uterus trying to communicate.
Ok, first the list of demands:
All toll booths, parking attendants, and traffic cops should distribute Oreos. I’m not being picky here. I’m not demanding the Double Stuffs or the chocolatey ones or anything. Maybe a selection would be nice. I’m not completely unreasonable. Ice cold milk, would, of course be optional. Optional for everyone but me, because you’d best be given me some cold milk with that shit. You wouldn’t like me when my throat gets all sticky. I’m just saying.
Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks should only be allowed to make movies together. Let’s face it. Those two belong together. Think of how much better Turner and Hooch would have been with Meg Ryan’. Preferably as Hooch.
Women should rule the planet. Seriously.
Put a uterus in the White House. And no, not kneeling on the goddamn rug of the Oval Office either.
Jude Law‘ oiled and in a loin cloth’ reading me bedtime stories every night.
Bill Pullman‘ killed and strung up by his quirky caterpillar-like eyebrows.
Alongside Sandra Bullock. Who is NOT a criminal profiler. And then maybe someone could make a film about the two of them strung up together, called “While You Were Dying”.
Mammograms‘ figure something out with that shit. That shit’s just not right. I mean, seriously’ squash? That’s your answer? You squash it flat? You’re not respecting the female anatomy there people!
Outlaw silicon implants. Like girls don’t have enough to worry about’ now it’s not even possible for genetically perfect people to live up to the standard? That’s fucked up, right there.
Babies. Lots of babies. And make little cards that we can carry around that smell like babies when you scratch ’em.
Oprah‘ off that bitch already. She’s giving us a bad name. And dole out a little tough love on Dr. Phil too, would ya?
Hilde on Trading Spaces‘. Spread eagle, naked, in the Mohave desert, swathed in fabric’ I’m thinking magenta, taupe, magenta, taupe. Stick Paige out there too, so Hilde can have company. And let former host Alex stand above them and laugh and then maybe ask if they’re still under budget. And Ty, Doug and possibly Vern should be required to do the show in the nude. Frank should be required to wear clothing at all times.
Lessee’ am I forgetting anything? Oprah’check’ Hanks/Ryan’ check’Oreos’check’. Hmmm’. That’s not too much to ask, right? I mean, I didn’t even go into the way that I think the whole thing about women waiting until they’re married to have sex is just a misogynistic restriction put upon women to keep them from realizing how really lousy their future husbands are in bed. Or how masturbation should be taught in schools. With props.
You still like me right? Because if you don’t, fuck you. That’s right, you heard me. You can all go to hell.
Um’ I made you some lovely jam. And I made the little labels too. I was going to cross-stitch a little cover for it, but then Eco-Challenge was on and I had to watch, slackjawed, staring at everyone’s fucked up feet.
You know that a penis thought THAT shit up, right?
You look very nice today. Really. That outfit goes just perfectly with your eyes.
Can I have a hug?’..Bitch.
Oh, I just remembered’. That clique of Sun-In blonde girls in high school who used to walk around with perfectly feathered hair and frosted pink lip gloss, who always bragged that they wore only United Colors of Bennetton, even their socks? I want a bounty put out on their asses. Shouldn’t be hard to miss. Just have a sale on a bunch of teal and hot pink clothing and acid washed jeans, I’m thinking, and they’ll come out of the woodwork. I think they normally hang out at Bath And Body Works, stocking up on all that Pear Berry shit.
I seriously don’t think Pear Berries exist in nature. And sometimes, I wish I had a penis. No’wait’ I didn’t say that. Damn you Sigmund Freud’ Damn you all to hell. Misogynistic little twerp. I think someone had Uterus Envy. One look at that nose and no wonder you thought everything symbolized a penis.
It just makes me sad, that’s all. I mean'(sniff)’ all of those young messed up girls going to Sigmund’s office and then he bases this blown out psychological theory on them. Did he ever fix them? No. He told their fathers that their daughters wanted to have sex with them.
Oh’ another demand’. That ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ song that they play at weddings? I want that mofo gone. That thing is insulting. And no replacing goddamn ‘Butterfly Kisses’ either. How about Salt N’ Pepa’s ‘Whatta Man’ instead? Or Prince’s ‘Kiss’. Not really an appropriate choice, I just like it. (singing) Oh’ you not gotta talk dirty baybee.. to turn me on’ ahhhhh’ I just want to be your fantasy’ maybe you could be mine’uh! Just leave it all up to me’ my love’ we can have a good time’ ahhhh’
Admit it. You love that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts is grooving out in the bathtub. Yeah. You know you do. And you want someone to dress you up and bring you Harry Winston diamonds too. You bitchtards are so fucking predictable. I like diamonds too, but that’s different. Because it’s me.
Oh, man, I’m soooooo tired all of the sudden. Whew! This is too much effort. Tell you what’ just leave a pack of Oreos and maybe a pound of crispy bacon on the doorstep and we’ll return you to your regular programming. But don’t forget.
I gotta take a nap. Damn.
You still think I’m nice, right?
