(The scene: Dinner at Chez Weetabix, after Weetabix has cooked for approximately one hour making barbecued pork loin, jambalaya, corn, and homemade blueberry cobbler. Also sourdough bread. Sure, she purchased that and didn’t actually make it with her own two hands, but she had to go out of her way to go to a special European expensive bakery to get it, so there’s emotional connection there. Seriously.)
Weetabix: chew chew
Esteban chew chew
Weetabix: chew chew
Esteban chew chew
Weetabix: chew chew
Esteban (pushing his plate away in disgust) BLECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Weetabix: What? What?
Esteban (sneering) I don’t like THIS! This! YUCK!!!
Weetabix: You’ve already eaten half a plate of it.
Esteban I know. I just realized that I can’t stand it. It’s awful.
Weetabix: (thinking) spent an hour cooking…. did all the grocery shopping… didn’t put onions in it…
Esteban God… that was just God awful.
Weetabix: chew chew
Esteban Did you make anything else?
Weetabix: Blueberry cobbler.
Esteban I don’t like blueberries.
Weetabix: Maybe you can just thrust it away from you and declare “Blech!”
Esteban What? I didn’t like it. I don’t like jambalaya.
Weetabix: (mentally storing this in her hermetically-sealed woman brain vault of all male sins)chew chew
(Scene: A movie theatre, waiting for the showing of Attack of the Clones with many of Esteban’s friends, including his friend with the pseudonym of God)
Esteban: Angelina Jolie is hot.
God: Yeah, but she’s a lousy actress.
Esteban: Who cares about her acting. She’s got big hoots.
Weetabix: (folding her arms over her own big hoots)
God: That’s mostly padding.
Esteban: SO??!??! Who cares?!
Weetabix: (Mentally deciding that the next time he wants to see her big hoots, she’s going to give him a pillow)
(Scene: Putting together Ward and June’s pool)
Weetabix: There’s nothing for me to do. You guys are doing the rocks thing. I’m feeling really useless.
June: You can spread out that sand.
Esteban: No, she cannot spread out that sand.
June: Why can’t she spread out the sand?
Esteban: Because she’ll get in our way.
June: Weetabix, you can go ahead and spread out the sand, honey. Don’t listen to him.
Esteban: She doesn’t listen to me anyway, why would she start now?
Weetabix: Um, hullo?!?! I’m right here. I can hear you talking.
Esteban: She’s also a bit of a psycho.
(Scene: Eating High Maintenance Burgers at Ward and June’s, after temporarily deserting the pool project)
Ward: These hamburgers are really good.
June: Thank you for going to get these.
Weetabix: It’s a long drive, but it’s totally worth it.
Esteban:That’s because she’s high maintenance. Everything has to be so perfect.
June: I agree… these burgers are worth it. Mmmm.
Esteban: You should have gotten pizza, or something.
Weetabix: You know, you’ve really been walking on thin ice recently.
Esteban: Whaaaaat? I’m just saying.
Weetabix: Blech?
Esteban:Oh, that was days ago.
Weetabix: If I’m driving out to get it and I paid for the food, I can pick wherever I want to go.
Esteban:That’s what I’m saying. High Maintenance. (pokes her in the arm) Hey. (nods toward burgers, grunting, indicating that she should give him another one)
Weetabix: OUCH! Don’t poke me.
Esteban: What? It didn’t hurt. Baby.
Weetabix: Let me poke you back then.
Esteban:Ouch… no… hey, come on. (grunts at bag of burgers again, indicating that she should serve him)
Weetabix: Do you have something to say?
Esteban: I want a burger.
Weetabix: Do you have something else to say? (looking for an apology or possibly the word ‘please’)
Esteban: Um…..
Weetabix: Thin ice.
Esteban: Oh…. I suck?
Weetabix: (handing him a burger, mentally cramming this tidbit into the overly full vault marked “Bad Esteban”)
Esteban: (giggling and showing her his crossed fingers) NOT!!!!!!!! Bwahahahaha!
Weetabix: (sigh)
(Scene: Pillow talk)
Esteban: Woman! Scratch my back.
Weetabix: Because you really make me want to.
Esteban:Scratch!!! Scratch!!!
Weetabix: (scratches)
Esteban: Ahhhhhh…. lower… higher….. middle…. more… harder…. no…. back…. arrrrgh! You suck.
Weetabix: (stops scratching) You’ve really been a beast lately.
Esteban: What?! I’ve been kindness and light.
Weetabix: Bah! That’s funny. My next husband won’t be such an ogre.
Esteban:Your next husband will just call you a psycho under his breath.
Weetabix: Oh. That’s so mean.
Esteban: Why don’t you write a diary entry about how mean I am? They all love me. No one will believe you.
Weetabix: Sure they will. They just won’t believe I put up with your crap.
Esteban: I could put up a rebuttal diary. One to debate your claims.
Weetabix: Go ahead. I’ll link to it. It would be entertaining.
Esteban: Nah. It’s too much work.
Weetabix: That’s one thing I can count on, sweetie. You’re an ogre, but you’re a lazy ogre.
Esteban:: I’d fart on you but you’re too far away. Come closer.
