I think it’s time to set the record straight on a few things. Some of you have asked a few questions about me and I thought I’d clear it all up right now.
Why do you write an online diary?
Why do you read an online diary? I dunno. I started it to get back into the practice of writing every day, a habit I had lost when I graduated college and evolved into the corporate world. And it has been tremendously rewarding. I’ve gotten to know some incredible people and made some wonderful friends.
How do you get to be so funny?
I honestly don’t think I am all that humorous. It just comes out of my brain that way. I think it just looks better in the printed word. My friends don’t think I’m all that funny. My husband thinks I think I’m funnier than I really am.
Why do you use the name Weetabix
Spike on Buffy announced that he liked to crumble Weetabix in his blood to give it texture the night before the first time I ever signed up for the Hissyfit forums and the Television Without Pity forums. And by the time I signed up for Diaryland, I was so used to using that as a signin that it made sense. Why? Don’t you like the name?
No. I like it. It’s fine. Why do you hate skinny people.
I don’t hate skinny people. Some of my family and best friends are skinny people. I have no prejudice against people of any size or shape. The skinny people you might have been referring to were being bitches. They were skinny bitches. If they had both had red hair, I would have called them the redhead bitches, but you wouldn’t have assumed that I hated all people with red hair, now would you? Just because I’m a curvy round kind of girl doesn’t instantly put me at odds with my opposite. The world is not a comic book, people. Besides, I was really drunk when I wrote that entry. And I still hate those chicks.
What is YOUR favorite entry? Mine is the uterus one.
Hmmm… that changes frequently. Right now, probably this one because it’s the first of those dialogue entries and it reminds why I go through the hassle formatting them and typing them in. I also like the Porn Tape one, although that one was hellacious to transcribe and then format. “No stucking” still cracks me up, though.
Does your uterus really talk to you?
Probably in nonverbal ways. That was just artistic license. Don’t take what you read on the internet so seriously.
Why did Esteban turn your toilet seat blue?
I have no idea. Crazy Esteban body chemistry or something. I’m hoping that my toilet seat may someday be featured on Unsolved Mysteries.
Boxers or briefs?
Boxers.
When you go out to Karaoke at the Ass Splinter bar or the Cute Boy bar, which songs do you sing?
Depends upon my mood and the feel of the crowd. If they have something by Natalie Merchant, I’ll usually sing at least two of her songs, preferably “These Are Days”, “Carnival” or “Like the Weather”. I’ll usually do “Gypsy” or “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “Back on the Chain Gang” by the Pretenders, or “Who will save your soul” by Jewel. My sister Mo always wants me to do “Angel” by Sarah McLaughlin or “Nothing Compares 2U”. If Joel is in the house, I force him to sing “If I had $1,000,000” because it sounds very nice. I’ve also branched into some Vanessa Carlton, Pink, Fiona Apple and Etta James.
Can I go out to Karaoke with you too?
Um…sure.
Will you read my diary?
If I have time, maybe.
Will you put a link in your page to my page?
No. It’s one of those things that if I just did it when people asked, it wouldn’t be as special. Like this. See? Special.
Will you put me on your favorites list?
Only if I read your diary and it makes me keep coming back for months until I get sick of typing your url.
Why do you work in technical support when you have a degree in English?
Because they pay me.
Why aren’t you a professional writer?
Because no one has offered to pay me.
Do those dialogues really happen that way? You must have an incredible memory.
They may not happen completely word for word the exact way that I transcribe them (with the exception of the Porn Store Tapes, which was directly off the recording), but I try to maintain the spirit of the conversation the best that I can. When we drove down to Atlanta, I wrote down select tidbits in my journal so I wouldn’t forget. I do have a very good memory, though. Ask my husband.
Does he get upset that you write about him the way you do?
He might if he read the diary, but he doesn’t read it. That’s his choice. He knows that he would try to censor me, so he doesn’t. I think that’s pretty generous of him.
Is ‘Esteban’ his real name?
No.
Would you be willing to leave Esteban and marry me?
We here at Dumber Than a Box Of Rocks thank you for your expressed interest in our organization. At this time, we do not have any openings, but please do send in your c.v, picture, Meyers-Briggs score, and a two page plan for keeping the dishes washed and we will keep you on file for any future opportunities. Thanks again and have a great day!
Will Mo marry me? Is she just like you?
I don’t know. Ask her. She’s very much like me, but far more cute, cool and popular. But she also is a cranky pants sometimes.
Why does your aunt starve her children?
Because she is afraid they will get fat. And yes, it’s horrible. But they’re figuring it out and fighting back now.
Is your Mafia Grandma really in the Mafia?
Just what kind of mafia do you think we have in Green Bay Wisconsin? The Belgian Mafia? No, she’s not. She just has an imperious nature and likes to exert control over the family.
Why do you never mention your father?
I have. Here.
Ok, changing the subject now. What does “Gah” mean?
It’s the first syllabel of “gobble”.
Why would you say that then?
Because I like how it sounds.
It sounds kind of dumb.
I don’t care.
I like that Chubby Tink. Where did you find her? Are you selling any t-shirts with her image on it because I would so buy one of those.
I like her too, but here is my shameful secret of copyright infringement. I don’t know who made her. I saw that picture while surfing one day and thought it was cool, so I snagged it on my hard drive. In 2000, when I started this diary, I was digging through my images, looking for something to put on this page when I was using the navy Diaryland template and not only did Tink have a navy blue background then, but also she fit my whole personality, so I threw her on the page. I’d love to know who drew her so I could say “Hey, I’ve, uh, been kind of borrowing her for a couple of years and I’d love to give you credit” but I haven’t found the artist. I’d hope that they’d be flattered that she’s so popular. Likewise, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with putting her image on t-shirts for that reason. However, if there is some interest, I could be convinced to create some designs that use certain Weetabix phrases and then sell them with the intent of earning money for a charity. You know, to earn some good karma since I did unrighteously use Chubby Tink for my own diabolical purposes.
Wouldn’t Weetabix the Company be upset?
Oh sure, bring up another gross copyright infringement issue. Haul out all my skeletons. I don’t know. They’ve known about me for sometime now. I’m the first thing that shows up on Google when you search for “Weetabix”. I think they must be a cool company because they haven’t said Boo. Maybe they would change their mind if they read some of the entries, though.
Who is currently on your List?
Russell Crowe, Brendan Fraser, Sting, John Irving and Dave Matthews.
Have you ever posed for porn?
No. Seriously, it wasn’t me.
Would you? I promise to make it really tasteful.
I think I’m done answering questions.
