I’ll bet you’re just losing sleep at night, wondering what happened to the Nut saga.
Client: I don’t understand this question about the snack nuts.
Weetabix: Well, nuts are classified four ways. Nuts in cans, nuts in jars, nuts in bags and unshelled.
Client: What does ‘unshelled’ mean? Out of the shell?
Weetabix: Um…. no, actually in the shell. Like pistachios.
Client: Well, if it’s a nut, you’d eat it as a snack, right?
Weetabix: That’s the question. It would almost seem as though nuts in a bag would be baking ingredients…. like raw walnuts.
Client: In the shell?
Weetabix: No, out of the shell.
Client: Then what’s the difference between that and unshelled?
Weetabix: These are shelled.
Client: So they’re in the shell.
Weetabix: No, they’re out of the shell. Unshelled means that they’re in the shell.
Client: That’s… um… yeah.
Weetabix: It’s kind of reverse psychology. Like ‘unfrozen’.
Client: So I would think that snack nuts would be everything but the shelled stuff.
Weetabix: Even the raw nuts?
Client: Well…er…no. So just canned and unshelled.
Weetabix: Wait… unshelled is a snack now?
Client: No… just….whatever you said.
Weetabix: Canned and jars then?
Client: Is that what you think it should be?
Weetabix: Cans and jars. That’s snacky.
Client: I’m getting hungry now… for anything but nuts.
Weetabix: You’re unhungry?
Client: Why don’t they just call it “In the Shell”
Weetabix: Because the English language is a funny thing.
Client: Isn’t “in the shell” English?
Weetabix: I think nuts are classified by the people who write the IRS code.
Client: That makes perfect sense, actually.
Weetabix: I try.
Last night I went uber domestic. I went to the grocery store and purchased a whole tenderloin, a quarter pound of gourmet smoked bacon (which ended up to be five strips), some ground sirloin and some speckly mutant fruit (they’re marketed as “Dinosaur Eggs”, which is so disgustingly cute that I almost didn’t try them) which is a cross between a plum and an apricot. I then drove home, eating the mutant fruit with juice dripping down my face. Once home, I wrapped the bacon around the tenderloin fillets and then seasoned with Chicago Steak Seasoning. I also then made some mashed potatoes (the frozen kind… not bad, actually) with some fat free mushroom gravy and a pumpkin pie. While Esteban was grilling the steaks, I browned the ground sirloin and then made it into a big pot of chili, which then simmered for the remainder of the evening. Esteban is awash with excitement. His cooking wife has returned from her summer hiatus, even though it will probably mean that he gains the weight he’s lost over the summer.
I’m all excited though because it means that tonight, all I have to do is make some garlic cheese biscuits and perhaps prep some noodles for the chili (yes, in Wisconsin we are retarded and put pasta in our chili. I know. I know. Sacrilege and all that.) and I can devote myself to other more exciting ventures. Like laundry. Oh, and last repeat of Buffy. Whoot!
Speaking of laundry, today I’m a fashion train wreck. My bra isn’t behaving. The underwire keeps wanting to slip up until my boobs are squished under the wire in this weird quasi four-breast looking thing. Like I could nurse a litter of puppies.
What is more, while watching Donnie Darko, I painted my nails a nice autumnal serious Black Cherry. I’ve cut most of them off (ok, ok, I chewed three of them off during my stress freak out last week and then cut the rest because I looked like a psycho with seven perfect round ovals and three short little nubs right in a row. But apparently, I’ve gotten out of the habit of painting my nails with dark polish or I wasn’t paying attention because I look like I did it with a paint roller. I’ve got black/reddish paint down to my knuckles. It’s like I’m Betty Davis and I’m looking for that Redgrave chick. (I can’t remember which one though and I’m too lazy to look. Man, that metaphor totally fell in the toilet).
Then, to further polish my image, I’m wearing my new expensive-but-got-on-clearance-for-$14.99 leather mules. Good lord, I didn’t realize it but they have three inch heels. Three inch heels. People, I haven’t quite mastered zero inch heels and now I’m trying to walk around on three inch mules that don’t have backs so your heel kind of slips off the shoe and creates this stumbling epileptic gait that brings to mind a fawn trying to walk, only I’m not a lithe little fawn and I’ve been walking for 30 years now. But they do look cute.
When I’m sitting down, anyway.
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR DONNIE DARKO… DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW.
(Watching Donnie Darko)
Esteban: What is this movie about?
Weetabix: I don’t know.
Esteban: Then why did you NetFlix it?
Weetabix: Because Chromey said it was good and other people have said it was good and when I told Jake that I was expecting it, he told me to watch it while you were out of town and then watch it again when you came back home because it was just that good.
Esteban: Don’t be surprised if I get bored and walk away to play on the computer.
Weetabix: You won’t get bored. I looked it up on IMDB and it was rated like 20th of all indie movies. And that’s including stuff like American Beauty and Amadeus.
Esteban: American Beauty was sort of dumb.
Weetabix: I disagree.
Esteban: If this is just about this kid’s mental illness, I’m going to be playing Dungeon Siege in a few minutes.
Weetabix: I don’t know.
Esteban: Well, what did it say it was about?
Weetabix: I don’t know. I didn’t read it. I wanted to just experience it with no expectations.
Esteban: It’s going to be about this kid’s mental illness. I know it. What genre was it in?
Weetabix: I don’t know.
Esteban: It’s a horror movie isn’t it? I hate horror movies.
Weetabix: No. It’s not a horror movie.
Esteban: It’s certainly not a comedy. That guy looks familiar.
Weetabix: It’s Patrick Swayze. Euw. He didn’t age well. Not at all. His skin looks all…
Esteban: …Like a burn victim. Was it a drama?
Weetabix: I don’t know.
Esteban: Who else is in this?
Weetabix: I don’t know.
Esteban: You must know. You know everything. You’re a movie geek.
Weetabix: OH WOULD YOU JUST WATCH THE FREAKING MOVIE.
Esteban: Hostile! (A disembodied voice speaks to Donnie) Oh, I did NOT need that. I did NOT need that right now. That came right from the speaker right next to me.
Weetabix: GAH! I hope this isn’t a horror movie. That was creepy.
Esteban: I almost jumped out of my skin.
Weetabix: It was like the voice of a lizard. Eeek! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GUY!?!?
Esteban: This is so a horror movie.
Weetabix: Oh dear lord, it’s a big bunny. This is a remake of Harvey, only no Jimmy Stewart to make it ok.
Esteban: This is fucked up, right here. Who is that lady? His mom… who is that?
Weetabix:Um… Mary…. something… Mary McDonall? She played the First Lady in Independence Day.
Esteban: That’s it!
Weetabix:I’m impressed that you noticed her. You don’t normally notice such things.
Esteban: Because now I pick up on it. You’re turning me into a movie geek too. I’ve tried to resist because it’s just another geeky thing and I’ve got my geek plate full, but I just can’t help it because my wife is a movie geek.
Weetabix: OH DEAR LORD! That’s a big fucked up bunny! I don’t want to look at him!
Esteban: See. This is so going to be a horror movie. First the airplane part… then the fucked up mutant talking rabbit.
Weetabix: The bunny is going to stalk me in my nightmares. I’m going to open my eyes tonight and the bunny will be standing next to the bed and that’s when I’m going to pee my pants.
Esteban: Don’t in the waterbed! That rolls down hill. You can’t escape pee in a waterbed. I’m lower than you in the bed!
Weetabix: I’m covering my eyes. Wait, dude, that’s Noah Wyle.
Esteban: Hey… that guy…. where….?
Weetabix: Dr. Carter on ER.
Esteban: Yeah, that’s right. I’ll bet you ten dollars that Patrick Swayze ends up dead at the end of this.
Weetabix: Just watch.
Esteban: Ok, ok, now we’re going to find out that her stepfather’s name is Frank.
Weetabix: Just watch.
Esteban: Someone paid a lot of money for special effects on this thing. Oh… that’s it… he’s going to kill his parents. He’s going to kill the First Lady.
Weetabix: Watch. The. Movie. Oh… no bunny… please…. no more bunny! He’s like Skelator’s bunny rabbit.
Esteban: I wonder why they put this in 1988? What was the reason for it?
Weetabix: Bunny! GAH! It just doesn’t get any better. I can’t desensitize to the bunny!
Both: (watches movie)
Weetabix: GAH! I thought it would be better without the bunny mask, but it’s worse! It’s worse!!!!
Esteban: This is so fucked up.
Weetabix: That scene was just like American Werewolf in London.
Esteban: Movie geek. He’s going to hit the old woman now.
Weetabix: Would you stop trying to second guess it? You hate it when movies are predictable so stop trying to guess.
Esteban: (sticks tongue out)
Both: (watches movie)
Weetabix:When he does that possessed head tilt thing, it makes a little noise go off inside my brain that tells me to run away. (gets up and pauses movie) I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ve got to potty. I tried to hold it but I just can’t. I’m going to burst.
Esteban: Don’t call it ‘potty’. That sounds retarded. Ha! That is so cute. You did the pee walk.
Weetabix: (from the bathroom) The what?
Esteban: The pee walk. When you sort of run-walk all bent over. It’s cute. Hey… are you reading? No reading!
Weetabix:I can’t pee. I’m having performance anxiety. I’m afraid of the bunny so I’m reading the Levenger catalog to get my mind off him.
Esteban: (whistles Camptown Races)
Weetabix: Now I can’t pee because you’re whistling.
Esteban: You didn’t have to go very badly then.
Weetabix: My bladder does not follow logic and reason.
Esteban: WOULD YOU HURRY UP!?
Weetabix: (finishes and flushes) I thought you didn’t want to watch this movie.
Esteban: Hurry.
Both: (watches movie)
Weetabix: Oh man.
Esteban: Wha….?
Weetabix: It’s the plane. The plane that his mom is on.
Esteban: That makes no sense.
Weetabix: No, it does. Time travel. They’ve been saying it all along.
Esteban: So, how does Frank… what? How could all of that happen if he went back and died?
Weetabix: That’s what Dr. Carter was saying. That if you could see your path and then change it, the path doesn’t happen. It’s the time travel paradox. But what I don’t understand is why he had to flood the school. That made no sense, unless he had to flood the school to be able to walk the girl home. But why would Frank have him do that? Why would Frank pull him out of the house before the airplane piece fell in because if Donnie would have died, then Frank and the girl would still be alive…. ouch. Now my head feels all full.
Esteban: Now I sort of want to watch football but I’m afraid that something weird will happen, like suddenly a second ball will appear out of nowhere, only to be thrown in the third quarter or something.
Weetabix: Or there will be a big scary skeleton bunny. Gah!
Esteban: What else did you get from NetFlix?
Weetabix: A movie called Vulgar. It has something to do with Kevin Smith’s group of friends, but I’m not sure.
Esteban: What genre is it?
Weetabix: I don’t know. It has a clown.
Esteban: So… a horror movie then.
Weetabix: Exactly.
