So I was on the phone with my drunken mama and mentioned to her that I would be going to San Francisco in a few weeks.
“I wish I could go somewhere. No one ever invites me anywhere. It’s not like I’ve ever gone anywhere in my life. You go everywhere and do everything all the time. You’re so lucky.”
Seriously, I could almost see her crawling up onto a cross in her living room and asking her father in heaven why he had forsaken her with the inability to earn frequent flier miles.
I rolled my eyes, especially at the “lucky” comment. It wasn’t luck. It was by design. I made things happen. I decided what was important. It is, for instance, important for me to have fun, to go to different places, to expand my life experiences. It is not, for example, important for me to do extraordinary amounts of drinking and allow people to mooch off me with pathetic excuses about how they are down on their luck. Nor is it part of my personality to basically wait around for some mythical windfall of cash to drop into my lap.
But I didn’t say that. No. Instead I said “Mother, if YOU want to go someplace, then go someplace. All it would take for you to go to San Francisco is the $220 in airfare.”
And as the words left my mouth, it was like the final scene of The Longest Yard as my brain tried frantically to recall the words back into my mouth, with an anguished “NoooooooOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” She brightened. “You and I could share a hotel room and I’m about to get my tax return in ten days… when are you going?… oh my, and there’s a special right now at my bank where if you sign up for a direct deposit checking account, you can get a buddy ticket and fly free, so all I’d need to spend money on would be my food and going out and oh my gosh, that would be so great because you always have such fun and I’ll have to talk to Grandma about watching Jonathon… I’vegottoruntothebankrightawaybye!”
There I sat, listening to a dial tone, envisioning my drunken mama making passes at my friends, or having grand discussions with the sea lions in Fisherman’s Wharf, or pretending that she can speak Chinese in Chinatown (because she worked for a Chinese restaurant for eight years and felt that was immersion into the language). And the sad realization that it would be easier and less painful to get rid of a flaming case of herpes than to ditch my mom in San Francisco.
And I could only sit there and cradle my head in my hands. My head which had failed me. Every stupid thing I have ever done has originated in my head. Perhaps surgery of some nature would be beneficial. Lobotomy. Decapitation. Any of the above.
So I quickly called her bank to learn more of this free ticket. Apparently, you would need to buy the first plane ticket at full price in order to get the Leech ticket for free. Something I wasn’t willing to do. So I quickly devised a plan. I would use the bait and switch method.
She called back, very forlorn. “You’d have to spend $450 for your ticket… and you wouldn’t want to do that for me.” with the rather obvious intonation that she hoped that I would do just that. For her.
“Mom… listen. You don’t really WANT to go to San Francisco, you just want to go on vacation right? So let’s actually plan a trip with the entire family… you, me, Esteban, Mo, Abigail and Jonathon….maybe to Disneyworld in Florida… and we could rent a condo or something and it wouldn’t be all that expensive… and you’d have time to save up rather than scrambling for funds.”
Given that she punctuated my little practiced speech with “YES!” and “YESSSSSSSS!”, I think I managed to walk away mostly unscathed. I walked over to tell Mo about my horror and she pointed at me and cackled about how I almost had to take Mom on a vacation with me. Then I told her about the trip to Disney that I had implicated her in. She grumbled a bit but understood that when in the crossfire, I had needed to buffer some of the agony. And she’s up on the Disney thing, having a child who will then be five.
But we’re both pretty sure that at one point we’re going to find Mom in the sack with one of those guys who walk around wearing the big character heads. And then have to have a rather painful status conversation with the folks back home.
“Mom’s got a new boyfriend who is Goofy. (pause) No. Really, Grandma. He’s Goofy.”
If you don’t watch Buffy, (and wait a second… why aren’t you watching Buffy? Seriously… watch Buffy. It’s too good to miss) just skip this part:
Oh Spike you hot souly hunk of a manpire. Between you and the hot brooding Principal, I was awash with gleeful man loving. You almost caused me to forget about my current lust for John Corbett and the Irish guy from the Ya Ya movie. But there were definite shark-jumping elements with the Dawn knowing Sumerian all of the sudden thing. And I really wish that Kennedy would stop channeling Joe Polniaczek from Facts of Life because I keep expecting the First to come in as her father Moe Greene with a shot-out eye.* And Buffy? Why did the wardrobe truck from Fleetwood Mac’s The Dance throw up on you?
*You see, Alex Rocco played Joe’s father on the show, but it was at the same time that The Godfather 1 & 2 were playing incessantly on HBO and it traumatized me to see him get his eye shot out as Moe Green and then be a deadbeat dad in freaking Peekskill, NY. And maybe I should stop with the pop culture references when they become so obscure that they need footnotes.
OH! I almost forgot.
I’m compiling a mix CD for friend and her new boyfriend. and I’m currently having a problem deciding the songs that should be on it. The centerpiece of the CD will be Nine Inch Nail’s “Closer” because… damn… that’s one hot song. I get a little sweaty just thinking about that one. I’m also throwing on Supreme Beings of Leisure’s “Strangelove Addiction”, K’s Choice “Virgin State of Mind”, Fiona Apple’s “Love”, and probably Puddle of Mudd’s “Control”. But now I’m stumped. I’d put John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland” on it, but I’m afraid that Trent and the boys would kick the snot out of him and then Fiona Apple will be throwing her skinny little body all over them. So I could use some suggestions… tell the comments section.
