An entry is worth 15000 words.
Ok, I tried to be tricky and use mouseovers and flipping pictures and all sorts of HTML wackiness, but the people have spoken and said it sucks. So here are the captions in normal mode and no flippover on the booby picture.
Gah. I hate mofo html.
Allison looks just like Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She’s our five by five bartender. The only downside is that the female bartenders don’t buy me drinks the way the male bartenders do. I still like Allison anyway though.
Bald Bartender/Bad Bar Owner looking particularly intelligent, along with Naked Chris. This was right after Naked Chris gave me green glowing sticker nipples. I wouldn’t let him place the third sticker so he got creative.
Not only can you violate building violations and be generally stupid at the Bad Bar, the employees actually encourage it. Steph, another bartender, is without her Red Leather Pants of Ass Kicking, but looks very hot just the same, dances on the bar in a maneuver we like to call ‘The Drunk Killer’.
Bald Bartender usually makes several wardrobe changes during the evening. Here he demonstrates that a macram’ tank dress is the friend of no man.
Once again, up on the bar. The song that was playing was Dueling Banjos from Deliverance, and they are doing Air Banjo with, appropriately enough, an empty bottle of Malibu. What? Why are you looking at me like that? I did NOT drink all of it. Sheesh. 
Naked Chris, before he got Naked (although technically, he had a robe on. I was hoping he’d come out with a fig leaf, although he assured me that I really was better off if he kept the robe on. He asked Penny and I if we were girlfriends and I acted very offended, asking if he thought that I was butch, so he assured me that he didn’t, but that we were both hot and it would make him very happy if he could think about Penny and I making out. So Penny offered that we were bi-curious and Naked Chris declared that he would be buying us drinks. I whispered to Penny that I predicted that she and I would be making out by midnight for free shots, but we didn’t have to because whenever someone else wasn’t buying us drinks, Naked Chris bought us drinks. All night. We got off easy. Another girl had to show him her breasts. While standing on a bar stool. Seriously, that place is a mixture of Cheers, That 70’s Show, and Girls Gone Wild. It’s a very bad bar. Very bad. On the plus side however, I somehow came home with more money than when I started.
Elvis is everywhere. Elvis is everything. The Bermuda Triangle? Elvis needs boats. This guy was actually incredible and I think this was Elvis flirting, the way he was lying on the bar directly in front of us. Later, on a trip to the bathroom, he came up and hugged me and asked for a cheek kiss. I guess I got caught up in the hysteria. He promised to buy me a pink Cadillac. I wonder what I’d have to do to get a silver Lincoln LS instead?
After the last entry about the Bad Bar, we felt it important to get a picture of Evil High School Chris, and Penny rose to the challenge. This picture has NOT been digitally altered in any way. Is it just me or do you feel sort of dirty after looking at him? Ladies’ I think he’s single.
More Allison. The smile isn’t particularly Faith-like, but trust me on this one.
Pennilicious and Joel dance to some song that I’ve since blurred out, probably because my forehead was down on one of the leopard print barstools and Eric was offering to be my Magical Brick Wall of Support. The most interesting thing about this picture is that you can actually SEE the Snarky Skinny Bitches in the corner in the very act of being bitches. You see, at one point while I was on the window ledge dancing with Penny, the Old Skinny Bitches were apparently making snarky comments about me and Mo caught them and sneered and then tried to call them out on it, but they ignored her. Then she told me about it, and I was ready to seriously kick their asses, but Mo wouldn’t tell me which one was being the Leader Bitch. Actually, my real intent was not to actually kick their asses physically, but use my ‘kill them with kindness’ method, but Mo wouldn’t believe that I didn’t really want to get into a fight with women who obviously were old enough to be our mother&AO8AvwC9AO8AvwC9-s younger sisters. Then Mo was talking with one of them and asked if they had been making comments about me. She denied it completely, so then I joined in and she had Mo in one ear saying ‘My sister is one of the most fun people in this bar and she goes out of her way to make sure that people feel really good about themselves, and she always recognizes the best in any person. So I feel protective because I think that it’s great that she has such a healthy self image and doesn’t listen to what assholes say about her because they obviously wouldn’t if they knew here blahety blahety blah.’ And I was in the other ear saying ‘You know, it’s really hard for me to psyche myself and act as though it doesn’t matter what people think, and I have been overweight all of my life and I think as women we should support each other because the world is a mean enough place’.’ And she just kept saying ‘No, I think you’re beautiful, your eyes, you’ve got incredible grace.’ To me and to Mo ‘I think it’s great that you go out with your sister and you have such a bond.’ Like she’s Jerry Lewis and I’m sitting there drooling in a corner. Gah. I was about to invent some more patheticness and tell her that I had been sexually abused and used food to distance myself from society, but she obviously had horrible guilt, so mission accomplished. Don’t be messing with the team of Weetabix and Mo. If we don’t kick your ass, we’ll make you feel like shit. Hrrmph.
General Wackiness of the Bad Bar. Notice the steady consumption of alcohol. 
Slutty Ho Lipstick makes its mark on yet another man. Seriously, the Weetabix lip prints were becoming like beads at Mardi Gras. It is frightening the power of my lips. 
You’ve read about her. You’ve seen a blurry picture of her arm but now’for the first time ever on this page, an actual picture of my sister Mo. And Eric, who apparently is of the thought that if a girl kisses you, you should turn the other cheek. That was Penny’s kiss on his right cheek though.
This is the only picture I have of Nice Chris, who bought me many glowy cups of Malibu and Diet Coke. He was a true gentleman, unlike his old man friend Don, who was obviously wowed by the Dayam!Bra. However, at one point, I was wandering back to the bathroom and Nice Chris stopped me to talk, but Scary Guy I Went To High School With Chris was standing there and decided to give me a drunken scary hug, in which his hand snaked right around my waist and started playing with my junk in the trunk, ya know? So I beseechingly tried to talk to Nice Chris, who saw a damsel in distress and pulled me to him for a hug, hoping to break me free of Evil High School Chris. It did not work, and I became the filling in a Chris sandwich, people. I will undoubtedly repress that within days and have years of therapy to undo my fear of men named Chris. Nice Chris later came very sweetly asking for a Weetabix lip print later in the night, which was kind of scammy but I still obliged. Because he was nice’ and apparently I am very generous with my cheek kisses while drunk. Hey, I don’t call it my ‘Slutty Ho’ lipstick for nothin’.
Hey Rocky, watch while I pull a rabbit out of my hat. Again? That trick never works.
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This was written by
WendyBix. Posted on
Sunday, February 23, 2003, at 8:28 am. Filed under
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