Gosh, I’ve never been controversial in my life. This is so very strange. Well, wait, that’s not entirely true. There was the Wal-mart thing. And when I stood up for Uncle Bob‘s right to ask questions about gay sex. But I don’t think it’s ever been implied that I am un-American. And I live twenty miles from Senator Joe McCarthy’s grave.
You know, it feels kind of good to be the bad girl. I mean, I’ve somehow gotten this reputation of Diaryland’s Chubby Sweetheart, which is cool but as Chauffi will quickly tell you, I’m actually quite wicked. So if I didn’t piss you off with yesterday’s entry, here’s some more controversial beliefs I hold:
- I hate Basketball. Hate. It. I somewhat doubt it is a sport. Perhaps if they were throwing around a ball that had been lit on fire or something, then it would be a sport. It seems like the sport is just in growing people who are tall enough to reach the hoop.
- The Three Stooges? Not funny. Not even a little.
- Nascar? They are driving around in a circle. With cars. Driving around with cars in a circle. Get over it, people. It’s cars. In. A. Circle.
- Speaking of Nascar, I suspect that when the rapture comes and the demons run around looking for people to scoop up and bring to hell, they’ll pick out the folks with the Dale Earnhardt memorial stickers in their window first. I saw an Oldsmobile with a 3 sticker on it yesterday. The 3 had wings and a halo. And the caption ‘God Needed A Driver’. Um, if God needed a driver, he sure as hell isn’t going to pick some guy who crashed into a damn wall because he couldn’t handle driving IN A CIRCLE. I would think he would have picked someone like Morgan Freeman because I’ll bet Jessica Tandy would give a good reference.
- Nuts are gross. Don’t put nuts in things. They taste yucky and sometimes make my mouth itch. And they look like bug larva sometimes. Peanut butter is ok though.
- The drinking age should match the voting age and the dying for your country age. I don’t care which way you make it but when you turn into an adult, you should be an actual adult.
- Marijuana should be legalized. If it’s illegal, then alcohol should be too, and we all know how that worked out.
- I don’t think Norman Rockwell was all that great.
- Ernest Hemingway was a big asshole and I don’t think he was all that talented either.
- Hand guns. I don’t like them. They scare me.
- People shouldn’t drink or smoke in front of their children.
- There should be more laws to protect animals. You should have to pass a test and get a license before you are allowed to own a pet, just like driving a car.
- I am pro-choice. One of my great grandmothers died at the age of 25 from a botched illegal abortion. She was married, already had two children, and it was the height of the depression, but I’m not inviting a morals check or questioning her choice. She hemorrhaged to death. Could I ever have an abortion? No way. But I think there should be an option because that’s one of the things that makes this country great. Personally I don’t believe that life starts at conception, but there are people who do, and that’s cool. That’s why there should be a choice. That great grandmother left behind my grandfather, then age 4, who by all accounts grew into a drunk who hated women, often hating them with his fists. My grandmother left him when she was 20 and my mother was one and a half, leaving my mother to grow up without a father figure and one could argue, make some spectacularly bad choices in mates from that point forward. So am I biased? Perhaps. But that story could just as easily illustrate the reason why people shouldn’t get abortions, I suppose, so probably not.
- People who harass women who are walking into abortion clinics on one of probably the worst days of their life…. well, something should happen to them.
- People who kill people who work at abortion clinics? Something should happen to them too… and perhaps the something should be on fire and inserted into their rectums. Sideways.
- Chris Farley? Wasn’t funny. Perhaps that’s distasteful because he’s dead or I’m ‘disrespecting’ people who think Chris Farley is a comedic genius, but it just doesn’t make him any funnier.
- Jim Carrey? Also not funny, but not as not funny as Chris Farley.
- Ok. The Van Down by the River bit. That was a little funny. The first time. And when someone imitates him, it’s so not funny that it’s like an anti-funny sponge that sucks humor from the universe.
- Renee Zellweger? Looks better with the extra weight. News flash: women should have breasts and hips. Seriously. It’s in a book somewhere. Go look it up.
- Speaking of weight, Lane Bryant and all of those fat lady stores shouldn’t be allowed to sell cropped shirts or shirts with horizontal stripes because obviously some people aren’t smart enough to get it.
- There is no one right religion.
- But some religions are way kooky. Like whichever sect of Christianity thinks women shouldn’t cut their hair or wear pants. God didn’t write the bible, folks. And not because he couldn’t find a pen. Regardless of how much divine intervention originally went into that thing, it’s been reinterpreted throughout history. I suspect that King James put some of his personal agenda into it too. The ‘no meat on Friday’ thing? Something the Pope made up to help the fishing industry way back when.
- I suspect that a very popular diary on Diaryland is a work of fiction.
- Celine Dion might be an alien. No, not just from Canada. From Arturu-7. I began to suspect that when she pounded on her fragile birdlike torso at the Oscars, it was a sign to her world that their plan for world domination was well under way. For the sake of the planet, now that we’ve got the bombs out, we should be bombing her bunker too.
- All restaurants should have vegetarian and vegan options. Even if it’s just a big veggie salad with garbanzo beans on it.
- Those Precious Moments dolls look like they are hydrocephalic Fetal Alcohol Syndrome children.
- And while I’m on the subject, why hang a Thomas Kinkade picture in your home when you can letter up a big sign on cardboard that reads ‘Hi I have no taste of my own. Would you like some delicious aerosol cheese?’ and send the money you saved to the Make a Wish Foundation.
- Magazines like Jane or Seventeen that bandy about with the ‘Be Happy with Yourself’ and ‘All People are Beautiful’ should be required to show models of all shapes, sizes, ages and abilities or be stamped with ‘Hypocritical Content’ on the front.
- Hunting is fine. Hanging the dead animal’s head on your wall is just gloating that you have opposable thumbs and a gun.
- If I were ruler of the world, I would eliminate country music. Completely. Except for maybe that one song by Garth Brooks about drinking with white trash. We’d keep that one in a little musical zoo so that our children would be able to understand what country music was about and understand why we had to put it down like a rabid dog.
You know where to complain.
