Oh man, it has been too long. Too long! How are you? How is your life? Do you still work at the same place? Have your children grown and made me feel old? Do you have grandchildren now? And all of our friends, have they retired and are now wearing polyester and living in Boca? Because, seriously’ it seems like ages. But you’re looking good. You hardly look like you’ve aged a week. Seriously, did you have Botox or what?
Speaking of aging in about five minutes’ that Missy Elliot song with the shizza for da nizza squizza in debizza? Yeah, color me seventy-five. I was driving into work (hell) this morning and just sat there in the Monte, mouth open, astonished look on my face. I guess I’ve been only listening to my mix CDs for a little too long.
I was very depressed earlier this week. And apparently, it’s contagious. Distraught. That’s the word, right there. Distraught. But I managed to hang a U before I hit despondent and now I’m back in the land of General Angst. Hopefully I’ll be back in the Land of Perky by the end of the week.
Of course, spending money always helps. Probably some of the pain was from opening my credit card statement and getting slapped in the face with my earring purchase of a few weeks ago. Damn Visa. They are really too quick on their feet. I just have to keep reminding myself that the earrings are very very pretty. Very pretty. Pretty. It’s almost working. Also, I just spent a bunch of money at Amazon. And then that wasn’t enough, so I spent some more. And then I preordered Pamie’s Why Girls Are Weird, which I’ve put off ordering for awhile because I don’t know that I have the patience to wait so freaking long without peeing my pants in anticipation. But then I realized that not actually purchasing the thing doesn’t make the wait easier. Holy Awkward Sentence Batman, but I now have two separate orders on the way. I feel so integrated. It almost makes up for the fact that I live in the cultural equivalent of 1953.
And I am apparently one of only twenty cool people in Green Bay. I received not one set but two separate sets of free tickets to the Tori Amos concert tonight. Why? Because no one had ever heard of her. And when I tried to explain it, no one had ever seen the movie ‘Great Expectations’. And the closest ping of recognition was when I mentioned to Carissa that I have sung ‘Silent All These Years’ at karaoke, and she wrinkled her nose. Because she hates that song and actually, it’s one of those sure songs that makes everyone go back to talking about the Packer game or about how last night they did forty shots of Tequila.
Esteban has made a lotion purchase of his very own. It is Gold Bond Medicated Lotion and looks like essence of old man. The first time he used it, he found out that the Medicated is apparently liquid nitrogen. He tried some on a dry patch on his thigh and then sat there doing Lamaze, trying to breathe past the impending hypothermia. A brave man does not back down, however, and he mysteriously decided to try some in his navel. I ask you’ is this the action of a sane person? He then huddled under the blankets and whined that it was ‘coooooolllllllllddd!!!!’ with his teeth chattering. In the same breath, however, he tries to dissuade me from using the Body Butter, tries to sell the benefits of the Gold Bond.
Esteban : It really works!
Weetabix : It’s old man lotion!
Esteban : Wisdom comes with age! It works really fast!
Weetabix : Of course it works fast. Old men don’t have time to wait!
Esteban : Put some on my back?
Weetabix : You know that long back scrubby thing I have in the shower? You use that to put it on and then you can throw my scrubby thing into the garbage.
Esteban : And waste your scrubby? Come on!
Weetabix : No! It squicks me out! It’s like the lotion my grandfather used to put on his feet and that’s the reason why I don’t like feet! Don’t traumatize me further!
Esteban : It’s a new lotion! They just started making it.
Weetabix : I said that it was LIKE that lotion. It smells the same. Gah! No more talking! My throat is getting tight!
Esteban : Just put some on me. Come on.
Weetabix : NO WAY! I don’t want stank ass hand!
Esteban : It’s not ass! It’s menthol.
Weetabix : Menthol ass’ it’s all the same. And don’t touch me with your hand either.
Esteban : Menthol is actually the opposite of ass. What if I put on the lotion and then scratched my ass’ would they counteract each other and I’d have a fresh and clean hand and could touch you?
Weetabix : The real question is who would get the cat in the divorce.
I will keep you all posted on the Body Butter/Ass Lotion debates as they continue. Seriously, why would anyone pay attention to CNN when you can be captivated by drama such as this. The humanity. The asses. I should develop my own theme music. And get James Earl Jones to do the voice over. It’s all about the production value.
