Once upon a time, a Czarina decided to listen to a priest who was a little wacky. Once upon a time, one Mediterranean tribe decided to accept a really big wooden horse from another tribe that didn’t like them. Once upon a time, a government agency decided that a really good way to end a standoff with religious militants was to set their compound on fire. Once upon a time a general decided that the best way to kill a bunch of indigenous people was to wait until the men went hunting and destroy their village. Once upon a time, someone decided that passenger pigeons made really good eatin’.
Once upon a time someone built a big tower in a town called Pisa and it started to sort of tilt. A lot. Once upon a time there was this big balloon that people used to fly in but they filled it with flammable gas and it went boom. A lot.
Once upon a time a man named David Letterman hosted the Oscars. Once upon a time there was a western movie made with a cast of only midgets. Once upon a time there was a company that spent a bunch of money that wasn’t theirs. Once upon a time a cute intern flirted with a very powerful man and he thought ‘What the hell? No one will ever know.’ Once upon a time people thought that a good way to tell if someone was a witch was to set them on fire.
Once upon a time all of the dinosaurs were killed by a comet.
And once upon a time a girl wasted her entire Saturday morning sitting around the house waiting for it to be noon so that she could buy tickets to see the Dave Matthews Band this summer and when noon came, she sat and kept hitting refresh until fucking Ticketmaster’s site went back up and then when she got through at 12:04, it told her that all of the reserved seating for both concerts were sold out and ha ha for screwing up your entire fucking Saturday and now the art store is closed and oh, look at that, so is the good meat place and the other art store and everything else so see ya wouldn’t want to be ya on July 5th, sucka!
