Esteban : So what did you do today?
Weetabix : I attempted to shop, but the leg is thwarting my shopping joy. I went to my favorite scrapbook store, oestensibly to buy a new black scrapbook for all of those pictures I took out of the sticky photoalbum while I was an invalid, but I didn’t find any I liked, so instead I bought a bunch of paper. Which is stupid, because I’ve got all of this actual art paper from real art stores and instead I keep getting suckered by the very beautiful printed fake ass art paper at the scrapbook store.
Esteban : Is that so bad? If it makes you happy?
Weetabix : No, it’s not so bad, it’s just that it doesn’t make me as happy as the art paper. And actually, for what you get, the art paper is significantly less expensive because you get a huge sheet for $4, whereas you get a 12×12 inch for $1. And it’s…
Esteban :This is a snobby thing again, isn’t it.
Weetabix : Um…Yeah. Yeah, totally. I hate the sincere kitsch of the scrapbooking stores. I hate the other shoppers who are wearing denim shirts that have been decorated with puff paint. I hate the minivans in the parking lot. But apparently, it is my kryptonite. I am powerless in the scrapbook store. And the women who work there… I doubt they could get jobs anywhere else. They don’t understand computers. They work at glacial speed. There was one person in front of me and it took the lady fifteen minutes to deal with both of us. So then I was cranky.
Esteban : You? Cranky?!
Weetabix : Ttthhbbt. Then I went to the mall so that I could use my Bath & Body Works coupons at the White Barn Candle place. They have a candle that smells like firewood that I love, but I didn’t buy it the first time I saw it.
Esteban : Why not? That’s unlike you.
Weetabix : Ok, this is stupid, but the demonstration models had a silver cover on the candles, but if you buy it, you don’t get the silver cover. It was only for the tester, apparently. So, if they hadn’t shown it with the silver cover, I wouldn’t have known about it, but because there it was, now I wanted the silver cover and felt like I was losing out.
Esteban : Wow… this is a whole insight into the mind of a woman… right here. I’ll bet the marketing people at Bath and Whosits have no idea.
Weetabix : No, I’m sure they don’t. But then I just decided that I wanted it bad enough that I didn’t care about the silver cover and was just going to buy it anyway. So I’m standing there, and there are two women who are loving the new snazzy scents and they just blurt out to me that the candles must be more expensive because of the silver cover and I said “Well, you know, you don’t get the cover.” and they didn’t believe me, and found two boxes which were open and had silver covers on them. But then one of the Bath And Body Works ladies came over and confirmed that you didn’t get the cover. So right away, they snatched up the two in the open boxes with the covers. And thanked me for helping them.
Esteban : So you didn’t get one.
Weetabix : They weren’t firewood scented.. they were like orange something something. The saleslady said “Thanks for making those sales for me!” so I pouted and said “I want a cover. Can I buy one? Do you have extras?” so she went off to look. Meanwhile, I wandered over to a holiday display and was huffing some new candle scents and then a different customer looks at me and says “Wow! Did you know they had Creamy Nutmeg?! Smell this, it’s really different!” So I did, but was weirded out because it was like I was suddenly everyone’s Candle Shopping Buddy, and then I felt like I had to reciprocate so I offered her a sniff of the one I was holding, which was Cinnamon Vanilla.
Esteban : I just had this weird mind image of both of you rubbing the candles on your crotches.Weetabix: (long pause) Um… Yeaaaaaaah. Esteban : I told you it was weird. Weetabix: ANYWAY, she freaked out because she loved it so much, so then I was helping her find the size of Cinnamon Vanilla when the saleslady walks up and says “Wow, you should get a job here!”
Esteban : Yeah, I can really see you hawking candles.
Weetabix : I know… zero interest. But then she does this weird stealth hand off of a silver candle lid and says “Here, if anyone asks about it, tell them Steff the manager said you could have this.” So, yeah, I got a silver candle lid.
Esteban : Wow… that was like a mini Christmas special.
Weetabix : About the importance of being altruistic. And getting free stuff.
Esteban : I’m getting misty.
Weetabix : But here’s what I’m wondering. If you had a choice between spending $35 and getting $10 off, or spending $50 and getting $15 off, which is the better deal.
Esteban : Hmmm… I think they’re both the same.
Weetabix : I don’t think they’re the same, but I think they’re close. That was my coupon… I ended up spending $35 and getting $10 off, but the coupon said “or better yet, spend $50 and get $15 off”, but I don’t think it was necessarily better.
Esteban : I think most people, including you, would automatically decide that you’re getting more off, therefore it’s a better deal, and spend more money. It’s interesting that you didn’t.
Weetabix : It was the leg. I was cranky already and therefore very suspect. But I’m not sure if I was right.
Esteban : Well, let’s see, 15 goes into 50 three times with a remainder, so it’s something like 35%.
Weetabix : Um, no… it’s 30%.
Esteban : That’s what I said… 30% with a remainder.
Weetabix : No, it’s not. It’s 30% exactly. You have to divide 15 by 50.
Esteban : That doesn’t even make sense. You don’t divide the big one into the small one. Why would you do it that way?
Weetabix : I don’t know, but that’s how I remember it, because it seems wrong. You have to go against your instinct.
Esteban : Well, I get the right answer my way, so it must be right.
Weetabix : No it isn’t! You can’t have a remainder and then just lop it off! It’s 30%! And I can prove it because if you double 50, it’s 100, and if you double 15, it’s 30. Therefore, 30%!
Esteban : What kind of crazy logic is that?
Weetabix : I don’t know… but it makes more sense to me than dividing. It’s shopping math, which isn’t scary like real math.
Esteban : I don’t understand how yours is right and mine is wrong.
Weetabix : Think of it this way… if you had $1.50, and wanted candy but all the candy cost 50 cents, how many pieces of candy could you get?
Esteban : Three.
Weetabix : Same thing. Just move the decimal. 30%.
Esteban : My answer is good enough for standing in line at the store!
Weetabix : But it’s not right! Math is an exact science.
Esteban : Why did you ask me if you already knew the answer.
Weetabix : Because trying to figure out the 10 and 35 makes my eyes cross. I think it’s like 29% but then the whole “better yet” thing makes me think I’m wrong.
Esteban : Ten goes into 35, three times with a remainder.
Weetabix : I told you, it doesn’t work that way. Your equation is wrong.
Esteban : I’m solving for x.
Weetabix : What? X! That doesn’t even make sense.
Esteban : Neither does your whole double everything and then subtract voodoo. If mine doesn’t make sense, why does it work?
Weetabix : It DOESN’T work. You get a remainder. It’s not even right.
Esteban : It’s close!
Weetabix : It’s only close in this instance. It wouldn’t be close if you had other numbers.
Esteban : Oh yeah? Give me two numbers where it doesn’t work.
Weetabix : I can’t.
Esteban : Why not?
Weetabix : Because my head is all full.
(stunned introspective silence)
Weetabix : You know what?
Esteban : What?
Weetabix : We are both apparently very stupid.
Esteban : That we are.
Weetabix : This is worse than the time that I learned that I earned a bachelor’s degree in English Lit without ever having read anything meaningful. I mean, this is fourth grade math and it leaves us completely incapacitated.
Esteban : That it does.
Weetabix : This pretty much proves right here that Darwin totally had his head up his ass. How did we make it to adulthood? I mean, seriously. How?
Esteban : Calculators.
Weetabix : I love calculators.
Esteban : And computers. Computers with calculator programs. And easy interfaces with bright colors and big letters.
Weetabix : And you know what’s weird?
Esteban : Hmmm?
Weetabix : Along with the knowledge that we are apparently both retarded, came an intense craving for Ritz crackers with aerosol cheese.
Esteban : Mmmmm… cheese that squirts. Them’s good eating.
Weetabix : Let’s never talk about math again.
Esteban : Agreed. 100 percent.
Weetabix : Ouch. Percents.
Esteban : With a remainder.
